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Old 11th June 2006, 05:31 PM   #3
shadow
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Re: will wife cheat again

Quote:
so why did she do it ???
This is not your fault.
Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with her is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault.

Don't take ownership of others' mistakes. blaming yourself for your wife's decision to have affairs is an unfair move. even if your not the perfect husband you dont own your wife's decision to cheat.

I know how hard it is not to blame yourself, to feel so degraded, to feel that you should of done this or that. Even tho I know it had nothing to do with me, there is still a small part of "what is so wrong with me, was I that unattractive for you to do this to me, what did I not give you that could keep you happy with me? " It will eat you up. Keep telling yourself it is not your fault!!!

Will it happen again?

Only the two of you will know that answer, is this something really out of character for her? Does she show real remorse?

Her real first step is no contact with the other person. no excuses. she must be willing to do whatever and give up whatever to avoid even seeing the other man. If they belong to the same gym, time for her to switch gyms, etc..... all contact must come to a stop. She needs to be 100% commited to the marriage.

These action from my husband helped me to try and save our marriage. He accepted responsibility. He had the decency to tell me in all honesty that he owns his own choices. He is the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with me. If we wanted to fix our marriage, he had to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn my trust back one step at a time.

Then there is the commitment from the cheating spouse.
He was committed enough to me in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship. However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long he need to work at it.

Trust is the hardest part, she needs to be completely honest about everything right now, not even a little white lies. she must do whatever it takes until you find the trust again If it requires her to check in with you multiple times a day, then she needs to do it. It'll require her being where she's supposed to be, when she's supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so you can trust you again. And she does it until.

Communciations lines need to be opened now. In the beginning you will talk about it alot, you will want to know why, you will want to know the details, my husband hated talking about it, he hated to see the pain it brought me, he wanted nothing more then to sweep it under the rug and forget it happened. But he realized that I needed it. It is part of the emotional closure they need to help us with. It will hurt to hear it, but try to remain calm and really listen to your spouse. Over time these talks will get less and less. There are times when I would say god I dont want to bring it up again, I dont want to nag him about it but always glad that I did. And tho it hurts your wife to talk about it in the end it will be worth it. Finding that your spouse is willing to do whatever for you to deal with the emotional closure is a big help in saving the marriage.

And dont just talk about the affair talk about everything under the moon, dreams, weather, etc...... and really listen to each other.

It is time to turn toward each other, not away from each other. you both need to be tuned into each other feelings.

And the big question for you are you going to be able to forgive?

Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does. If you can't forgive, let go.
When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your wife's face, you will eventually run her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your wife. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and be with someone who causes you pain.

Forgiving is actually easier then the forgetting. Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.
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