Thread: I can't let go!
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Old 21st October 2013, 12:23 AM   #55
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 4
Re: I can't let go!

Dear Pamela,

This is gonna be long, but necessary.

I'm truly saddened by what is happening to your family. Your husband has unfortunately injected venom into your marriage's bloodstream.I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your marriage is now on life support, if not on just a ventilator already. And as needed in such situations, someone has to pull the plug in order to end the suffering. By the way,I am an advocate for doing all you can before you walk away, and by "pulling the plug" , I do not mean divorcing him, but rather, YOU taking back control of the situation by executing change-causing steps that will blow the fog away.

Pamela, right now you're facing probably one of the biggest challenge you'll ever encounter in your life. This situation asks for you to dig deep within yourself and find that strength that every human is blessed with. You have it and only you can access it. This is a test, and again, YOU have to decide how the outcome, for YOU, is going to be. You can either be engulfed by the flames of your husband's deceit, be totally incapacitated that your life will, henceforth, be a package deal of misery, sorrow and depression, OR you can be the strong woman that you already are (you just haven't internalized this yet, but you will) and take charge of how things will pan out. This is a call to you to exercise personal leadership.

By the look of things, this woman now has all her tentacles firmly enameled around your husband's heart. Unfortunately, your husband allowed it to happen and only he can disentangle himself from this woman's web of influence. He has to want to do it. Right now he doesn't look like he wants to and he's doing everything as prescribed in a cheater's script. The engagement model he is using with you is what some refer to as "gas-lighting". Think of him blowing gas around your body and throwing a lit matchstick. He's doing this by getting angry when you ask, obfuscating his answers and "altering" reality so as to plant seeds of fear, doubt and uncertainty in your own sanity. He has already succeeded in achieving this. Why do I say that? He's making you second guess even the act of asking him for an explanation for his relationship with the other woman. You're now even asking yourself whether or not you're exaggerating an innocent interaction between fishing buddies .Well, you have evidence of him investing an abnormal amount of time communicating(either via text or voice) with the other woman. You already "know" they met when she was, as he put it, " circling around" the small town. What more do you want to see? Why aren't you believing the reality that you've already determined? What is a deal breaker for you? Seeing them in bed together? How do we even know they haven't had sex already? You know they met when he gave her the fishing material that has "sentimental" value to him. What's in it for him? You mentioned that last month you only had sex 3 times - which directs us to a logical conclusion that things are off-kilter and this is an issue for you, right? I don't want to sound alarmist, but my point is, what more do you have to discover - how much more do you want to know before you say "enough is enough"? Is this a standard of marriage you're prepared to accept? What about the vows taken by both of you? What does it mean to you? I apologize if there's a sting in my response, but it is important to take this issue head on - to confront your fears.

You made a cardinal mistake by making contact with "Madame de Pompadour" . It's a common mistake that we all make upon discovering our spouses have introduced a third party into the marriage. Considering the hurt, anger, betrayal, disillusionment, disbelief and a whole myriad of indescribable emotions one experiences - it's a really a potent mix of emotions- our rational thinking is completely debased. In my own experience, I made monumental blunders, but it happens to the best of us . I did it all - messaging the other man, calling to have a "gentleman's discussion",etc. Can you begin to imagine the humiliation of finding out how they would "debrief" on how to handle the "insane" husband? I know that first hand.
DO NOT MAKE ANY MORE CONTACT WITH THE OTHER WOMAN. Doing so will give her undue credibility, diminish your value and further erode whatever self-esteem you're still holding on to. It also further "empowers" your husband to believe you want this more than he does, and that you do not respect yourself and are willing to "fight for his love". You shouldn't have to fight for YOUR husband's love. You messaged her and she basically ignored and humiliated you by "manipulating" your husband to "reprimand" you for "threatening his friend" - which was probably reported back to her. That he has dealt with you. Seriously ! This is a man you have been with for 29 years. The man you committed to. The man who committed to you. The man you gave beautiful children. He's your husband and should be protecting and guarding your heart with all he has. He has however treated this matter with impunity and complete disregard for the heart-piercing pain it's causing you -all that torment of unanswered questions! It is time to wrestle control back into your reigns.
Please don't get me wrong - I'm not advocating recklessly throwing away your marriage in order to "win". I'm saying, you need to start doing things for YOU. You said you workout, do yoga, etc. You already have a base for a rich social life and you now need to fully leverage on that. You need to "dismember" the arms of power from their nexus of deceit. It sucks to be in a position where your "fate" is decided by another party. You haven't committed any crime and aren't facing a grand jury that will hand down a sentence to you. You still have the power to change the course of events.
Have you read the book:

I think that's a good launchpad to start finding a solution to your situation.

Your husband is acting like a hypocrite. He demonstrates his duplicity of character by claiming he's "rescuing" a woman who's being physically abused by her boyfriend/husband, and yet he does or is not willing to recognize the emotional abuse and mental anguish you're enduring as a result of his "rescuing" actions. Would he be okay with you "being there" for some guy out there who's not appreciated by his wife? I guess he doesn't even give you the window of opportunity to ask all this, right? Stonewalling is up there on the emotional abuse ranking chart.

Going forward, do not talk about the marriage and the other woman anymore. You probably need to start the Michelle Weiner Davis divorce busting 180 list -

This is easier said than done, but as I said above, you have the strength to do it and you will when you've reached your tipping point. I did it, and it helped me recover quicker and be able to deal with the implosion in a rational way. Even if things don't mend, you'll be able to expedite your recovery.
Just to give you context, I'm a man by the way, and I consider myself to have achieved a lot against all odds. My sister and I were orphaned before I even turned 15. I would say I was gifted academically and was very bright in mathematics and sciences. I even participated in the Mathematics Olympiad. I went to university to study mathematics and physics. I then further did a postgraduate degree in physics which I graduated kum laude. I was offered an engineer job at software developing company(since I had taken courses in computer science). Later in my career I developed a yearning to pursue business so I got accepted for an MBA at an Ivy League Business School. So, I wasn't a total failure as my wife eventually called me before she left.
My wife basically went down that cheating lane.I was completely blindsided. Left field stuff! In my case, she sold me the usual story that "she wanted to move out so as to find herself" , that I had "emotionally abused her", that she "suspected" I had a girlfriend, that her feelings were in an "undefined state" (talk about new-age speak ), that there was something "wrong" with me, that "she could not love me as a wife should her husband", "she loved me but was not in love with me"- which, I of course, like a puppy dog, lapped up. All of this was revisionist, but that clarity only comes after the fact. I actually wondered whether or not our time together had been real. The sacrifices we had made for each, the money I spend to help her do an advanced degree in her career, family help, in-law sicknesses,etc, her support through my studies and dark moments, my support during her studies. The plane tickets to visit sick parents, the plan to start our own business after completion of the masters, etc...
What followed was an epic display of callousness and brutality no other human has ever dished out to me. Like someone thrown into a single-cell and have a teargas canister discharged on them, I got trapped in that abyss of perpetual despair. My emotional Armageddon had started. My world as I knew it had ended and she became more brazen in feeding me the poo sandwich.By then, she had already moved into our second bedroom. Her cruelty, meanness and brutality was astounding - it was like she was possessed by a spirit and she hated the sight of me. She didn't even like me anymore. It didn't make sense to me - we had known each other for just over19 years and we married late (mid 30s) because we wanted to be mature and sure enough that's what we both wanted. I was her best friend, brother, lover, confidant,etc. Even if she had fallen out love, I deserved to be given a sit down, and be told that things had ended. Instead, she told me though a text message that we should go separate ways - after 19 years of being with me.
Lo and behold, on my birthday, I discovered she had a "secret" phone. That was followed by an avalanche of events that unearthed Facebook and email correspondence between her and another man. I confronted her, and needless to say, she initially denied it, but eventually broke down and confirmed what my confidants(my sister and best friend) had already "told" me. We then went through the phase of reconciling, counseling and her committing to total and absolute transparency. I was only prepared to reconcile because I had determined from the messages that they had never met. We had some nice months of reconnecting and it felt like we had weathered the storm - for better or worse. Everything seemed on track until the fateful evening when she forgot to exit her "other" email account. It was clear to me she had continued to maintain contact with the other man. The depth of her deception and the blinding realization of being duped, even as we were going to church counseling, was too much for me to take. Some of the email exchanges were so graphic, with her telling him she had stopped sleeping with me and thus reserving herself for him, and how he was going to take her "to a place no woman has ever been taken before" . Being the one who wanted it more, I once again found myself living under the sole of her shoe for several months - she had again moved into a separate room and basically just treated me like dog excrement. Had she been bold enough to walk out then, I can confess I would have been the one to crawl, grab her leg and beg . I just could not imagine a life without her. Her contempt towards me became so vile she would even phone-chat with the other man as I sat across the table from her at a restaurant having a "romantic" dinner - we were going out and doing all sorts of things to try and rekindle the flame. If I tried to ask, she'd accuse me of being controlling and not giving her time to prove herself. How much more disrespect did I need see in order to stand up for myself? How does a spouse get the balls to pull off a stunt like that?More so, a woman. I thought this is the kind of stuff only bad boys do?
Just like you Pamela, I tried to look for that "thing" that would eventually give me the answers - I kept telling myself that there was no evidence they had slept together, that she would "wake up" and realize what she was doing, etc. To this day, I do not know and in hindsight, it doesn't matter - each person has to establish what their deal breaker is. As for me, it was the "doormat" treatment she continued to deliver to me, blow by blow, and finding out that she had made job applications to companies in the country where her FB boyfriend lived. Despite all the damage done, I was still "stunned" she was getting the wheel in motion to leave me. However, I also knew she still was not 100% sure about ending our marriage. It was my turn to take control. Unfortunately it wasn't easy and the quest to "establish" the truth took me on whirlwind of actions I'm too embarrassed to mention here. Suffice it to say I was totally unhinged and all my time was consumed with either checking her emails, waking up in the middle of the night to scan our home internet logs. Holding onto her and wanting to make the marriage work became a Sisyphean task. The boulder kept rolling down and I'd push it up again. This was not ME. How did I get to this? How could someone I had chosen to love put me through all this?
Pamela, I reached my tipping point after I unexpectedly got home early and overheard her on the phone with the other man. I didn't confront but asked that we talk in the morning - I needed to stabilize myself first. In the morning she broke the ice and I gave her the opportunity to come clean, even explaining that "we still had a chance together", that I still "loved" her. Her response -"there you go again with your trust issues". THAT WAS IT FOR ME! I asked her make to plans for alternative accommodation and to depart our marital home.
My point? You have to know that what is happening now can easily destroy you if you don't think about things and plan carefully. I wanted to kill myself - the sadness and emptiness was unbearable. I can't tell you how many times I "investigated" ways to end it. I'm less judgemental of people who commit suicide now. Sometimes for some people, it just becomes too much. Your situation might not deteriorate to that, but just take this as advice to help carve your anticipatory path - being aware of the potential pitfalls and to know when to launch a preemptive strike when it becomes necessary. Get information, get more of it, talk to a lawyer to find out what options you have IF things unravel.It doesn't mean you're betraying him and the trip to the lawyer might just end up being a waste of time - which would please all of us. You need to be prepared, even though everyone's wish here is for a good ending to your story. It would be great to be wrong about some of the advice we're giving.

The point of sharing my story with you and the forum is to help elaborate the perspective that informs my school of thought, and help you calibrate your situation accordingly. This is to help you eject yourself from the current position of fear and make decisions that you can live with. You and I are similar - we don't want to look back and feel we could've done more. Every relationship is different. People are different. For all we know, your husband might indeed be telling the truth, but what matters the most are his actions and how he has treated this matter. He has disrespected your feelings, but you cannot make him do what he doesn't want to do. Accepting that my friend, is the beginning of your taking control and shifting the focus onto you. For what it's worth, I'll tell you this. I lost my mother when I was in my teens. Her death was, as they say, "untimely" - short illness, was suppose to be discharged in two days, but things turned for the worst and in just 10 days, she was gone. As young as I was, I remember how so "final" it was. There was nothing else anyone could do to undo her death and bring her back. That is the brutality of life. I do know I didn't really "deal" with it because I needed to be strong for my sister(who's younger than me). Every situation I've faced in life, I've drawn upon the strength I mustered then as a teenager to hold it together for the sake of my sister. Sad as it was, I've pretty much used that as my source of strength - that if I could be that strong, there's NOTHING else I cannot handle.
Death does not try too hard to convince us of the fact that the person is gone. It does a good job at it and we're already conditioned to know this. The end of a marriage is different, but just like in dealing with death, we have to truly let go.
You have to reach a point where you're prepared to lose him if you want to have any chance of him recommitting to your marriage. You need to get to a point where you stop pining for him.Dig deep.
You need to ask yourself these questions:
  • who is Pamela?
  • who am I really without hubby?
Forums are great for support and will help you see that you're not alone. In fact, as you read this, someone is being told they're no longer wanted, i.e. if they're lucky enough to be informed. Realize that after all is said and done, you're still going to be the one who has face an empty home, a hostile spouse, etc - so it's very important that you interrogate those two questions above and work on building the strength to deal with those times when you have to eat dinner alone, and he's away fishing. As you sit and contemplate - asking yourself "is this what it has now come to".

I've seen advice saying you should attempt to go with him and kind of force your presence so that he does not get the opportunity to stray. That doesn't work. Once again I'll say this, you cannot make him do what he doesn't want to do. You may want to save your marriage so much, but no bird can fly on one wing - he has to play his part. He will do what he wants to do and he has displayed his propensity for it. What he masked as a "request" about the living arrangement was actually a carefully crafted dictum that this is how it's going to be.

The two of you should be having the greatest time of your life - back to boyfriend and girlfriend days. You should be shagging like you're trying for another baby ! You come across as a loving woman who cares about her marriage and is willing to do all it takes to save it. However, you also expressed the yearning for that person who appreciates you. That seed is going to continue germinating - it won't die out. There's no reason why your husband can't be that person who appreciates you, but right now he's not seeing it because he doesn't have any conception of what it is to lose you.
Maybe he has already checked out and for him now it's just "seconds away" . Unfortunately -or otherwise (depending on how you look at it) Pamela, the responsibility to provide that illumination - that clarity required to truly know where your marriage stands - has now been bestowed upon you. You have to discharge that responsibility because he won't. As other contributors have said, he will continue to sit on the fence until you shake him off it, or he will maintain the status quo with you sitting on a barbed-wire fence, dying a painful emotional death.
If he chooses to leave you, then you'll have your answer...and, as Neo says in the Matrix, "Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you."

Lastly,but more importantly not least (to me as a believer in Christ, and those who believe in a higher power), pray ...and pray...and pray some more!


Last edited by Morpheus; 21st October 2013 at 12:48 AM.
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