Frozen marriage
 

Help, I'm freezing in this marriage. Is there anyway to thaw it out?
We have been married for 16 years and until a month ago I was quite certain, apart from a wobble a few years ago, that we were going to continue.

A month ago what appears to be a common experience happened. My H announced that he could not go on, was sorry he ever married, and it has all been a terrible mistake. Sorry.

Our child adores him; I could not face telling her that her family was splitting and said he would have to explain himself, because I simply couldn't.

I am not mrs wonderful, but I am Mrs OK. Consequently, it is easier for H to carry on being here as he would otherwise find himself instantly enmeshed in lawyers and sorting out and goodness knows what. Also, we are both very good at customer-service politeness, so on a day-to-day basis it appears to work very well. eg. phone calls, courteous greetings, mutual consideration.

But if you saw us, you would be rubbing your eyes and thinking, "well, it looks right, but it feels wrong". It is very 19th century, like a lavender marriage. It was so wierd that I even wondered if my H had suddenly found himself othewise orientated late in life. (Probably not).

And now we are several weeks in to this cold new world of air-kissing and desultory pats on the back and I am having trouble sleeping because I am looking at years of being Mrs Not-quite-good-enough, or else being the one who takes the hard decision to end this marriage, which means I'll have to do the explaining.

What I want is to get this marriage back on track, but I feel so angry because I believe I deserve much better treatment than this that it is getting in the way of me acting effectively.

Anybody know how I get a handle on my own galloping emotions first?

Re: Frozen marriage
 

First of all, it's good that you have acknowledged your emotions. Don't bury them, face up to them. You could even write them down. It also helps to understand where those feelings come from. There is an article on emotions here which might help you.

Then there is the challenge of forgiving your husband for the way he has hurt you and coming to terms with where he is, so you can begin to find constructive ways forward.

I guess that you are feeling hurt and judge that he has rejected you and you are wondering what the last few years of your marriage mean. Well they mean a lot. You both made a commitment and you have stuck to it and provided a loving home for your daughter. You did have that in love feeling once and you can find happiness again with each other.

Many couples go into marriage with unrealistic expectations. They expect to feel passionately in love all the time, they don't understand what they have to do to keep the relationship vibrant and sometimes they don't actually make the effort to make it work. Disillusionment can set in at any time, but it doesn't need to be the end. it is a sign that something is needed. Instead of withdrawing from each other, it's better to recognise that the relationship needs some nurture.

Marriage enrichment programmes (available on both sides of the Atlantic) are a good way to start, to give your marriage a bit of refreshment.

Liz

Re: Frozen marriage
 

Hi Ms Ordinary,
First of all , know that you aren't ordinary, although you may be feeling this way right now.... You are a wonderful, unique and beautiful woman ;).
Ok, I've just been thru something similar and I am in the process of working it out. I think the hardest thing in the beginning was to put on this charade that everything is ok, so that my children would not know.
I also felt humiliated, and ashamed that this would be happening to us.
Didn't I deserve better???? How could I change the way I felt ? What caused him to change.. (I still don't know the answer to this one..)
Like Liz said write it down! I did and it helped me to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Cry! I Listened to music that was similar in feeling to how you are feeling, and gradually move on to more cheerful music. Talk to friends you can trust, that might have had a similar experience... I was adviced to stay away from talking to divorced people... rather to speak with those who worked it out.
Like I've said in other posts, when one is faced with this kind of challenge one has the choice to become bitter or to view it as an opportunity to become better.
What helped me the most was to all give my problems to G_d. Other wise all you do to yourself is a diservice... by going over the problem over and over and over, You begin digging a hole of depression , which gets deeper and deeper and which will be truly hard to climb out of. Don't do this to yourself ok?
This last one was the advice of my sister who was in a similar situation and did get herself into an awful state of depression.
I think that once you are in a better state of mind you can talk to your husband and suggest that you work it out... do talk to him from your heart trying to reach his heart. That's what I did.
I reminded my husband of our commitment to each other 10 years ago, of his words when he proposed and of the kids and of the 20 years we had known each other and How I didn't understand he could just throw it all away. He promised to try, I found a marriage encounter weekend which applied to us and we went. This was 2 weeks ago, Today I am hopeful, but I still read this memo and pray for healing, it gets me thru the day and sometimes the hours....

Here's the memo that was sent to me at that time , it helped me so much and I hope it helps you too.

Faithful

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD - The Boss!
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE
This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.
I love you.
GOD
P.S. And, remember....
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you can not handle, Do Not attempt to resolve it yourself !! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.
P.S.S. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now. I
If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!
Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have touched their life in ways you will never know!
Now, you have a nice day, God

Re: Frozen marriage
 

Thank you!

Have printed a copy and tucked it inside my bag so I can read it and remind myself that I don't have to 'get in to everything' all the time.

This situation is not normal, especially by the standards of the 21st century, but it does not have to be resolved right this minute, if at all.

Re: Frozen marriage
 

I thought you might like an update.

We are still married. I wouldn't say it is heaven on earth, but it is tolerable. Much of my anger has ebbed away; it still sparks up at times because I do have some real things to be angry about, but it is within the bounds of normal.

It turned out that there were some more things going on in my H's life and he is very much in the process of trying to sort those out. They take a fair bit of sorting -some of the situations are unfair and have been dumped on him. Others he made worse by how he behaved. Who hasn't done that at times?

Anyway, should the marriage break up I am satisfied that it will be because we couldn't work something out between us, rather than as a way of trying to solve the other problems or distract attention from them.

Funnily enough, putting things 'in God's hands' did give me a really effective way to stop degenerating in to bickering contests. It doesn't seem to matter whether or not you believe God exists - either He really does take on ownership of these problems, or it works as a psychological technique. Whatever, in these situations you need all the help you can get.