Stay together for the kids?
 

We've been married 23 years and have a 16 and 15 year old kids. I love my kids and never want to hurt them by ripping their world apart with divorce like mine was when I was around their age. BUT I don't think my husband loves me and I feel like I am living a charade.

He has never been an affectionate man, rarely instigated sex, or engaged in intimacies of any sort. But now he can't even bare to have sex with me. By this time of course I am not the girl I once was physically, but even in my hey day he was never demonstrative. I think he blames it on me in his mind. He lately admitted that he holds grudges and thinks negatively of me quite frequently.

On the surface everything is fine. Inside I'm miserable and know it's all a show for the kids and family. There is nothing to our marriage beyond the legal arrangements. Even the best of our friends would be shocked to know the extent of my loneliness with this man.

I've tried 22 years to make something of this and finally realize that it's not that he has difficulty showing his love as I always told myself. He just doesn't love me. Period. He made a mistake and decided to live with it.

I want to leave, or rather have him leave. I keep saying I must stay for the kids and I will. THey are happy. But how does one endure this empty failure of a marriage in the mean time?

Re: Stay together for the kids?
 

I just read what I wrote. I guess there's no way for someone to respond. It sounds pathetic. I guess what I didn't get across is how happy we seem on the surface. But that's just it, surface, there's no depth.

Anyway, thanks for reading it. I don't think there is really an answer other than for me to buck it up, try to make my life fulfilling in other ways.

I just wonder if there are very many other married couples in an amiable living arrangement, with no sex, no romantic love (I still care very much for him), and no affection of any sort.

Is this so odd? Is anyone else lonely in their marriage? Or am I expecting too much?

Re: Stay together for the kids?
 

Please forgive me if this makes no sense, as I am very mixed up at the moment, but I feel (from experience with my parents) that the kids are not a good enough reason to stay in a loveless marriage, Have you tried counselling?
my mum stayed dutifully until we all left home and started our own families and then she left dad, her explination to us "I only stayed with him because of you" (not saying that you would ever do that)
Result severe guilt trip for us on how we thought we'd ruined her life with hindsite and a few extra years we know know that we were not to blame, but at the time we didn't
Is there something that you have always wanted to do?? If you are determined to stay may that will help as meeting new friends that don't expect any thing from you may be of comfort.
If possible maybe a weekend away on your own to consider what you really want from your life

Re: Stay together for the kids?
 

Hi there

Sadly I think there are quite a few people in marriages but feeling lonely. I happen to believe that there are more alternatives than staying and suffering or going. There are a whole host of resources available to refresh your marriage. Although the ones listed here are for the UK, I know that several (like Marriage Encounter, REFOCCUS) are available in USA. You could also check out the Smartmarriages site.

There are also a host of reasons why physical intimacy doesn't work out for some couples. There can be physical reasons, psychological ones and relationship ones. Why not have a look at this section here.

Your children do need both their parents and research show that staying together tends to be better than parting, but what works even better is the couple working to model for their children that relationships can come through difficult times and flourish. Love is decision as much as a feeling. I hope some of the resources help you to find ways to revitalise your marriage again.

All the best

Kate

Re: Stay together for the kids?
 

Thanks for the responses. Sometimes it gets to me more than others. I'm a teacher and I have more time to dwell on it during the summer holiday. I appreciate the links and have already ordered a book about rekindling love in marriage. My husband is SO much like the "Scottish Guy" who started another thread in here that I'm printing up his thread for my husband to read.

Re: Stay together for the kids?
 

Hi There,

Just to introduce myself. I'm Em the Wife of Scottish_Guy, my Husband read your thread and thought I would be able to understand what you have been going through and he is absolutely right ! My Husband Andy sounds so like your husband and to be honest I thought he was 1 of a kind until I started to read the mail on this site. I can understand how lonely you feel as I felt the same and funnily enough the Man involved usually says " how can you be lonely? you have me and the kids for company" I don't know your Husbands background but I have discovered that is where Andy's problems started and he dragged them throughout his adult life with him. Andy wasn't shown love or affection as a child and was brought up in a very distraught home. His Sister and Brother went through the same and moved out as soon as they were old enough, both of them have broken marriages behind them as they found it hard to " commit" His Sister even left her Kids with their Father because she couldn't relate to them. None of this came to light until Andy started therapy and we contacted his siblings and asked if they were having problems and what they felt going through life. Andy was brought up with his Father beating him and his Mother trying so hard to protect herself she couldn't protect him from the violence. His Father came and went because he was always in and out of prison so Andy didn't have a stable home, Father, Mother or even life as he was growing up. He was so used to hiding his feelings and thoughts and emotions that I only found out a lot of things that went on in his life just recently. Andy used to tell me occassionally that he loved me but his actions never backed up his words, they did the opposite and it seemed that everyday he would find something new to hurt me with. If I tried to talk to him about a problem he would tell me that he didn't see anything wrong and as I was the only one who saw it then it showed that it was all in my mind and I was just looking to start a fight.This went on for over 14 years and in that time he not only distanced himself from me but also the Kids. He never gave them the opportunity to feel a Fathers love and my Daughter was so hurt and frustrated and angry at him that she would never call him Dad and told everyone that he wasn't her real Dad and was just some bum that I married out of pity for him. My Son reacted by bad mouthing and talking back to him, at times when they were rowing my Son actually told Andy to go for it and was willing to get into a fist fight with him ( my Son is only 13) This is when I decided enough was enough, everytime Andy and I argued the Kids got themselves involved and were naturally protective of me, almost ended up with my Son and Daughter beating on their Dad.( we never fist fight). After our last row which started because I tried to talk to him about problems, I told him I couldn't take anymore, he said he didn't care anymore and so I packed a bag for myself and the Kids. I didn't do it as a threat or to get his attention as I had somewhere to go and wanted a better life for my kids and myself, I did it because my life felt so empty with Andy and everyone was so unhappy. As I was about to leave he called me back into the house and asked if he could tell me something, so I thought I could give him a chance to say a last few words. This is when he broke down and told me that he really loved me and the Kids and didn't want to lose us, I decided I had nothing to lose by listening to what he had to say and when he told me everything it all kind of fell into place. He asked if I would give him a couple more days to try to sort out some sort of therapy as he knew he needed help but was scared and didn't know where to start. He called our GP there and then and got an appointment with our surgey counsellor for 2 days time. The Kids went to my Fathers for a couple of days and we sat and talked like we had never done before. He told me what he had been through and how he felt and I told him how I was feeling and the way he has made me feel over the years. The biggest turning point was when he told me he knew how I was feeling and that he had caused it and he wanted to change the way he was but just didn't know how. He begged for my help ( not to show him things but to understand them) When he went for his first therapy session he came home and told me that the counsellor had told him exactly the same as what I had already told him about our problems and that in order to sort our marriage out he first had to sort himself out. One of the exercises he was given to do was to write down situations that happen and how they make him feel and what he did about it, for the first time it has actually slowed down his reactions and made him think about things, he doesn't walk away anymore, he comes to me and discusses it now. I know that it will take a lot of time to get things on track and I still have a few issues that I am working on but we are getting there slowly. I have been through the loneliness, depression ( I have been on anti-depressants a few times over the years because of this) hating him and myself, panic, suicide.... you name the emotion and I have felt it. But I can honestly say that I feel a lot lighter now that the ball is rolling. I know this will probably sound a bit jumbled cause there is so much to say and I tried to cram it all in lol. I think if you can get your Husband to read and acknowledge the threads my Husband posted then hopefully you will be on your way to making things work between you. It is very hard especially when little things niggle at you but I found that even though I still can't forgive at the moment I am staying positive and this is helping in the fact that things don't eat away at me anymore.
I hope this has maybe been of some help
Best of Luck
Em :)

Re: Stay together for the kids?
 

Yank,
Ive just read your post, and it seems you are living the exact life that I am. I have been married almost 16 yrs myself. My husband has even went so far as to say he doesnt love me anymore, but he is going to stay for his children. He believes that we can just make the best of it, and take care of the kids together. When I think about leaving I feel very guilty, almost selfish. I am not treated bad. But I do miss being loved by a partner. It is a very lonely life. I cant remember what its like to have someone kiss me. I can honestly say I have tried everything. My husband will not talk to anyone. He will not try to rekindle anything. He is very blunt about his feeling, and believes I should just get over it. I stay because my children are very close to their father. Likewise he is very much a part of their lives. I can't see taking a family away from them for my own needs. Honestly I think sometimes, if I left who is to say I would find love from anyone anyways. I'd still be lonely and then be financially insecure and have children broken hearted. So each day I wake up, and put on that smile and pretend everything is alright. I dont know what the right answer is ,,, to leave.. to stay... I have no idea. Right now I am just doing the best I can. I just hope its the right thing. I dont want anyone hurt.

Re: Stay together for the kids?
 

I can understand your feelings of wanting to scrifice for your children. I am now in a position where my hubby has told me he's no in love with me anymore and he's not attracted to me (after 13yr. relationship and 2kids).

I've given himthe space he needs for now; but am willing to take him back (even knowing his feelings) for the sake of our family. Like yours, my children are very attached to the both of us. We both spend a substantial amount of time with our children together and separately. We went into a marriage believing that family, love and encouragement are vital factors in a "home".

I guess what I'm trying to say is Hang in There. I would be doing the same thing (if given the opportunity). Just cointinue to talk to others (ie: this forum). I thought I was one of the few cases out there going through this! As I read various threads here, I realize, I'm not alone...

Keep the faith in yourself and in your kids. This will give you strength to continue on.
Cari