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-   -   some things I've found invaluable (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=4697)

befree 29th September 2007 10:52 AM

some things I've found invaluable
 
To everyone interested in having healthy relationships,I like the rest of you have googled myself to daeth looking for answers.The most significant website I've come accross so far is www.coping.org
Specifically the section on boundaries http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/intro.htm

I've lived my life not being able to say no,thinking if I loved someone enough they could change and settling for less than I was worth.I've pissed some people off on this site but I'm certain they've probably distanced themselves from anyone else in their lives who've told them to move on or questioned their behaviour.
I've come to realise that the behaviours and responses in our primary relationships have effect on all our relationships.Or rather we have similar reponses to all relationships,whether it's giving too much,being insecure,too distant,intrusive,dependant and the list goes on.
Sometimes the most important thing we can do for ourselves is stand back and take stock of how we react to things.Be an observer of our lives and emotions.learn to be seperate we get to the source of the pain.
Rejoice in our strenghts and ability to take care of ourselves.
Sometimes when a persons self esteem is dependent on a person loving or accepting us we will accept anything,even if it is punishment,just to maintain the connection.
Everyone manipulates.Anything said or done to ellicit a response or change a persons behaviour is manipulation.Even if you claim it is done out of love it still negates the fact that everyone is entitled to free will.We may not like their choices but need to take responsibility for our actions and direction if we're affected.
We can chose to have the best life possible and find meaning in who we are as individuals or we can spend our lives in a holding pattern of waiting,denying,controlling,grieving,persuing and hoping that someone else will validate us.
We're all valid.We all matter.Sometimes letting go can actually bring more into your life.

aqua 29th September 2007 11:07 AM

Re: some things I've found invaluable
 
"I like the rest of you have googled myself to death looking for answers."

Yes,I was like that! I didn't find the answers, nor did it make me feel any better.
I stopped it and said enough!! I no longer bother googling and I haven't bothered with any of the suggested books.

I just said to myself, get on with life girl, what's happened has happened, don't spend your life trying to figure out why, make decisions don't wait for H to - don't think, just do - move on.

I have learnt to let go. No, it didn't happen overnight but overtime.I am moving on and life is good. The situation between me and my husband is worse, but I can handle it and I just take it as it comes.

I feel great about myself! I've come a long way. (If any of you have read some of my earlier post they were full of dispair!)

befree...a great post! :D

aqua.

Highlander 29th September 2007 10:29 PM

Re: some things I've found invaluable
 
I thought it all seemed quite sensible, until I read:

"You will never be able to maintain your boundaries with your relationship partners if you do not have a belief in God."

That's the "Off" button for me, I'm afraid.

befree 29th September 2007 11:10 PM

Re: some things I've found invaluable
 
Sorry highlander.I'm not religious.I just skip those bits because a lot of their other stuff is worth reading

cw68 30th September 2007 02:27 AM

Re: some things I've found invaluable
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Highlander (Post 30720)
I thought it all seemed quite sensible, until I read:

"You will never be able to maintain your boundaries with your relationship partners if you do not have a belief in God."

That's the "Off" button for me, I'm afraid.

I just think, "Well, I do have a belief in God. I believe he doesn't exist." :)

broken 15th May 2011 07:43 PM

Re: some things I've found invaluable
 
I'm just reading through the threads. I am going through "finding out" now. This is helping.

Raymond 15th May 2011 09:54 PM

Re: some things I've found invaluable
 
Hope you find your answers Broken.

Quote:

Originally Posted by befree (Post 30704)
Sometimes when a persons self esteem is dependent on a person loving or accepting us we will accept anything,even if it is punishment,just to maintain the connection.

It was knowing God that set me free from this. Another person is still important to our self esteem but not to the extent of absolute dependence. That belongs only to God.

broken 15th May 2011 11:31 PM

Re: some things I've found invaluable
 
Raymond, very good advice thanks so much for responding.


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