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-   -   I love you but I'm not in love with you (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=5866)

Goldenboy 6th May 2009 09:36 AM

I love you but I'm not in love with you
The words of the title are what I was hit with last week and it has just destroyed me. My wife and I have been together nearly 11 years and married for 8. Our relationship has always been strong and happy, we have had ups and downs like everyone else but the downs were never serious, we have recently moved house and I just did not see this coming at all. She has recently struck up a friendship with another man from her circuit training classes who is single and whilst I'm not comfortable with this I have trusted her and given her space as she insisted he is just a friend. She say's things have not been right for a while and I think this other man has turned her head and flattered her. She has a good life and has always had what she wanted in life( love, security, help, a loving family, holidays etc) I just don't know what to do and feel as though I'm on trial and have to make her fall in love with me again. I can't believe that she would throw away everything we have built up together just like that. Please help

JWD 6th May 2009 10:17 AM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
Are you still living together? You're right when you say he had flattered her. Sounds like she is enjoying the attention. Is she willing to go to counselling?

As with most advice given to posters here, make sure you look after yourself. I read as much as I could on affairs to try and understand what was happening.

Keep posting

Goldenboy 6th May 2009 10:43 AM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
Yes we are still living together and I have mentioned help but she says '' I don't know I'm not an expert on these things''
She tells me nothing is going on with this other man and I have to trust her but I know they are texting one another as she is very secretive with her phone. We still talk about everyday things and are due to go away in 3 weeks which she said this morning she still wants to do.

I just pray it's not a false hope!

JWD 6th May 2009 11:03 AM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
I think you need the truth. My husband said exactly the same and turns out he was seeing someone else. It sounds like an emotional affair. Book the counselling and if she doesn't come along go yourself. They become very selfish and turn into different people before your eyes. Look after no one and read as much as you can on this subject. stay strong

Goldenboy 6th May 2009 11:24 AM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
I have asked her straight up ''Is anything going on'' and she said no, but I do feel with him on the scene she can't see what's in front of her. Her best friend has told her she needs to break contact with him as he is just clouding things in her head, but I don't know. I have thought of going round to his house to have a word but this could only make things worse. He knows she's married and respects that, though that what she tells me!!
I have spoken to my family about it and they are there for me but I think I may need expert advice. Who do I see? as I have no idea where to start.

Dnc 6th May 2009 12:00 PM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
Never mind swine flu, it is the wife flu we need to worry about, it is some sort of epidemic at the moment. Every other subject here is about walk away wife, articles in newspapers about it.
And i have also noted that it is happening in better off families.
By the way i am in the same situation with a moved out wife as a bonus, she "needs space" plus all other cliches.
My only advice is to keep reading this forum, it helped me a lot emotionally.

JWD 6th May 2009 12:50 PM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
I'm sorry but if your read my post husband says he doesn't love me I went on for pages about how he denied an affair blah blah, then I found proof. I'm so sorry for you, regardless whether she is having an emotional affair with him or not, you have made it clear that it distresses you yet she continues to text him. Please don't torture yourself by trying to justify it and feel like your are making it more of a deal than it is. It is a big deal. No one in the world is worth messing your head.

If you are in the UK England you can contact relate just google it, outside England I just contacted a relationship advisor by google. I'm not seeing a work counsellor which is free and better that the 40 I was paying to have someone listen to me although at the time it was the best 40 I spent.

Someone said you should check your home insurance I think or life insurance as sometimes counselling is offered there.

Like I said, my way of dealing with it was to try find out as much as I could divorcebursting.com is a good site where you will see similar situations

Raymond 6th May 2009 01:02 PM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
There is obviously something going on Golden Boy. It may not be obvious to everyone even herself but she is not acting in the right way as a married women. A woman has to relate to a man at work etc. but there are ways at doing this. Your wife is being indescrete here.

Your idea about seeing him may be a good one. Anything that will flush him into the open will help even inviting him around to your house. These things are done in corners and shining the light on it could expose him/her and take the stength out of it. He must be left in no doubt that he is messing about with your wife. If this is a mild affair or approaching a mild affair, this will work. If it is a serious affair it could work the other way and she could leave. You have to judge it correctly I think. I think option one will work as I don't feel it is a full affair and can be nipped in the bud. You will know the situation far better from your vantage point.


Goldenboy 6th May 2009 01:25 PM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
You have hit the nail on the head with her behaviour. I have told her that it hurt's me deeply and yet she say's I should trust her but if she had any respect for me then she would stop. I'm trying not to torture myself but it's so hard, I do know though that if were not married then she would be gone as I would not stand for it but I made a commitment to marriage and we have built up so much that I don't want to throw it away. I just can't understand why someone would continue to do something that hurts the closest person to them so much.
Only last week I asked her if she loved me she said ''yes'' then I told her I don't want to lose her and she said ''what makes you think you will'' 48hrs later she tells me she loves me but is not physically attracted to me. She then just carries on?????? What the hell !!!!! Am I just delaying the inevitable?

Raymond, to right it's not the right way to carry on. I'm pretty sure it's not an affair as I know where she is most of the time and her movements but I do think he is waiting in the wings for something to happen. If I do go round and she finds out she'll go mad and that's what I'm afraid of as I don't want to put anything at risk.

Thanks for the help

RayCub 6th May 2009 03:20 PM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
I confronted the woman my husband was having a "Facebook" relationship with, and it backfired on me. She saw it as more of a challenge and he hated the idea of me interferring. He left me, not for her, but because I was spying on him and "controlling" him. He's in the wrong, of course, but that doesn't make a difference. In his mind, he's in the right and this gave him a big reason to leave me.

If you're going to talk to this other guy, be very, very prepared for the worst to happen. You're wife sounds exactly like the female version of my husband. I really feel for you.

Please take care and keep posting.


Mit1587 6th May 2009 06:03 PM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
Hi Golden Boy,

i had the same thing form my wife only last week. Unfortunately, i found out she was having an affair with her 'best friend'!! It had been going on for 6 weeks before she told me the truth and we were living together and planning to move house etc. during this time.

Like other people have suggested, the other guy turned her head and made her think things weren't right in our relationship and took advantage of her vulnerability.

She also refused to go to councelling as she probably didn't want the affair to come out, but it got to the point that she couldn't lie about it anymore (i think the guilt got to her).

If I were you I would try and have it out with her and get the truth - trust me its worse finding out that it has been going on for weeks behind your back.

Listen to the poeple on hear about looking after yourself as they have been fantastic in helping me start to sort my head and health out.

jools 6th May 2009 07:05 PM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
Oh Goldenboy - I'm so sorry. As soon as I saw the title of your thread I just knew that there'd be someone new on the scene. To be honest, it's the ONLY reason that wives or husbands ever make this statement (well, at least 99% of the time). If she hadn't met this other person I bet the statement would never have been made. Although, I also think that the other person would not usually bring about this change unless cracks were already there. But we all get cracks in long term relationships and some years are better than others.

Can you pull it back? I really don't know. But do NOT underestimate the influence of this other man - or her involvement with him. Another common thread is that they also deny anything's going on - I hope it isn't yet - but I'm guessing that the longing and temptation is already there. You've got a battle on your hands, Goldenboy. I know that you'll get lots of good advice on here - and support when it's needed. Good luck.
Jools XXX

jjjj_jjjj 6th May 2009 07:18 PM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
She is having a EA at the very least. What you do next will determine the future of your relationship. Do not try an win her back. Begging will only push her farther away. Demand that she ends contact with this guy and stick to it. There are a bunch of books on stuff like this. There is something called the 180, look into it. Men in your situation often try to romance their wives back and this never works.

Goldenboy 6th May 2009 07:52 PM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
Thank you so much to everyone that has replied it is really helping me at this time. I resisted the temptation to go round there as I don't think it will solve anything in the long term. Apart from the texts I don't think she has seen him for over a week. I told her my feelings a bit more tonight and that I don't want her staying out of pity for me and as for the romancing her back then no way. It's not me that's changed it's her and she admits that but I made a commitment to marriage and I want it to work, but I've told her she will not mess with my head. I suggested counselling and she remained silent, so we'll see on that one. I've told her we can't go on pussyfooting around and living like flatmates and that it wll come to ultimatum time in that we either split or stay.

Jools, It is since she got friendly with this other man that she has been this way, at Christmas she was absolutely fine.

I have told her to stop all contact and all I get is ''he's just a friend you have nothing to worry about, he knows I'm married'' even though she knows it's destroying me inside.

I'll keep soldiering on and just look after myself.

JWD 6th May 2009 08:01 PM

Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you
The 180 you will find info on in DivorceBusting.com and survivinginfidelity.com

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