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edgya1234 12th April 2014 01:20 PM

Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
however he is ok looking and made me feel good about myself.
If I think back he was so persistent and consistent in his efforts so I end up caring for him a lot.
After years of bliss and problems (not between us - mostly us not having experiencing a downsize in the income and therefore in the life stile) he went to work in his birth country (which is Spain).
Needless to say that is the youngest of three boys and the apple of his mother's eyes.
Spain's economy is troubled and he didn't get the same payment, has money issues and more problems than before.
Three weeks before when the issues with the money get though he started lashing out at me very ugly. Passed from missing me and me being the reason of waking up in the morning to me being the reason he is in such a bad spot and that he does not love me anymore and out of the blue wants a divorce:(
Perhaps I should go back and say it is not so out of character because in all those years we had few setbacks based on the house he grew up in and the strange power his mother has over him. Stuff like she likes that he drives her somewhere instead of her own husband. She knows his friends. Went out with him and his friends couple of times etc.
Before you jump to ideas she is old and showing it. However she had three boys, he is the youngest and she manipulated him the most. The thing she used to tell me over and over was "I don't know what you did to him but he never wanted to marry until you".
She and I had our quarrels. I am a strong woman, I've run businesses and I was tired of being told what to do and how.
More than that out of the three boys one never sees her and she does not know her grandchildren because she did something to his wife; the second one went to the other part of Spain and his wife is happy with the distance.
Coming back to my husband as I said we had 2 smaller episodes before: 1 when he started acting thermonuclear with me out of the blue at the thought of having problems with money - we were supposed to be on a short cruise and I told him to get lost and go to mama (he had a shock that he is loosing me and straightened up); 2 one night before when I was having a major international fair for my most important client when out of the blue he bluntly told me that he is leaving me and was trying to say anything he could to hurt me - needless to say I didn't sleep the whole night and I was a zomby next day - after a day he called me and started crying that he doesn't know how to live without me and bla, bla - and well being in Berlin I had the opportunity to put him off for a week and tell him is the last time he goes bat crazy.
So now in one month, after his ordeal in Spain - he never ever had problems with money in his life, after the fact that he is close to his mother and father and seeing his mother "suffering"for him that he has an un-supportive wife who in those times of "crises wants to do a MBA and has as a goal running a multinational (forgetting the fact that all things in life started from goals and I generally reach my goals) he comes out of the blue and started on being aggressive first, than on lashing out on me, than 3 weeks ago he started with the wants to be with his problems and his parents and will not live with me in Barcelona, than the divorce, than when I said I go along he pedaled back, than came back stronger and let escape some things that his parents are asking him what is he doing with his life, and yesterday said not that he does not love me but that his heart is empty and compared me with things such as my business that is over, his former job that he lost moving etc.
He is calling mi "mi amor" (which in spanish means my love) and he professed his hate towards me not in so many words but in the things he wants to do to me, he really wants to hurt me and see me suffer because somehow he believes that I've hurt him probably.
Anyhow there is no other woman - if that will be the case he will kick me to the curb in a minute and he will not want to spend his life with me in in hurting me. It is strange.
Somehow I think is the fact that he is alone because he keeps saying that and he also said that he does not see the moment when I get there. Altough I just need to sell the car, rent the house, decide on MBA, speak to professors about the job, chose one and get packing
So as I said, what should I do? Take him at his word, give him the divorce (that is in Spain I get to decide) and let him drown himself or put my big ego aside and try to pack him up and see where it goes? The thing is that if this would not be my first marriage (and the only one as I hopped), if he was not such a big part of my life, if he was any other relationship I would have end it by now because what the ..., I am nobody's foll. But I have doubts...

Thank you so much guys I really value your opinion

Raymond 12th April 2014 01:59 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
All I see is a controlling Mama that has manipulating power over him. She has possibly never let him go or cut the apron strings.

When you are not in Spain does he feel he has to keep ringing her or e mailing her? Does her opinions have power in your marriage? It seems like the other children have seen this and got away but he is still under this control maybe?

Does that add up? Did things start to get worse when he got home? I sense there is some power there over him coming from her. He is her boy whereas she should have let him go and form an independent union with you. Not that one should not love and honour their parents but where there is a control normal parental relationships do not operate properly.

Does that sound right? You judge if that is right or not but that is what I see.

edgya1234 12th April 2014 03:41 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78703)
All I see is a controlling Mama that has manipulating power over him. She has possibly never let him go or cut the apron strings.

When you are not in Spain does he feel he has to keep ringing her or e mailing her? Does her opinions have power in your marriage? It seems like the other children have seen this and got away but he is still under this control maybe?

Does that add up? Did things start to get worse when he got home? I sense there is some power there over him coming from her. He is her boy whereas she should have let him go and form an independent union with you. Not that one should not love and honour their parents but where there is a control normal parental relationships do not operate properly.

Does that sound right? You judge if that is right or not but that is what I see.

Oh my God, you are totally right. She has a sick power over him really. She has this things where she was entering in our bedroom suddenly just knocking and entering. She also enters the bathroom when he is in the shower, I don't do this unless I really want something and is not sex:)
She also wants him to drive her places, go with her to the sales pitches she does, she wants to go out with him and his friends. He is her confident. She was always calling when we were home. She kept calling and calling sometimes we were in bed. The only instrument I have to get her off my head is touch. He responds extremely well to touch.
And here comes my fault. We had a fabulous sex life ( let's say the Latin lover thing is kind of true) and when he come to my country and started living with me I started to have this issues - it is not that I was not attracted to him but I could not let him touch me. Our sex life was lacking to say the least and not because of him. He never complained, we talked, he tried to understand but I heard him talking to his friends once about sex and a girl was like she never had a fulfilling sex life and he talked about us - few things - but what he said basically translated to I was amazing in bed. I just felt ashamed and dirty and I lashed out at him.
And I still love him and one of the things that he is telling me when we talk over and over is that we don't have sex. Now I want to fix everything but I can't and I won't push him. I don't believe in fixing a relationship when a man seems that he does not want. Actually I am not calling him and I do not know what to do when I will need to go to Spain to talk to the professors at MBA and get through the interviews for jobs. I don't feel like telling him. But kind of feels twisted and sick to come to his town and not telling him. On the other side I am afraid that if I tell him and he rejects me I can't deal with it. I would prefer running away and never face him before rejection.
I tried to get others opinion but people that know us are shocked. It seems he never talked to anybody about this. But my friends, our friends, my family they are shocked. I mean 1 month ago I was the reason he wakes up in the morning and he loves me, one week after that we have a massif fight over money and the car he has to fix - that his parents are using and after that all went downhill. That was the moment he started to say I am supportive, I don't care, I am selfish ( and that are his mother's words ). Maybe I need to tell that for 4 years I was the main provider in the relationship - I mean he had money - but I had real money. Now my business went south, is hard to find a job so fast because I used to be an entrepreneur and people think that I will live, I don't have other source of income besides him and he is not cheap except that he has to give his mother money and she lives him live sometimes with 13 Euro / week and he blames me that I don't understand he can't send me money because she is in his head constantly.
As I said I still love him and he gave up everything for me and now all his fears of not having money, of having payments he can't cover, of not being able to be a provider come true. He says I have a future and he does not want to her of me paying for anything ever again. This because when he told me that he does not want to send me money because he needs to pay off his parents I got mad and I told him that this is not just and fair because I supported us for 4 years, can't he do this for me for few months? So he took it as a reproach and he was like you through the things you do for me in my face when I was just making a statement.
Any idea what can I do? I am in shock. I can't process what is happening to me. I don't know who he is anymore. He seems like Mr. Jekil and Dr. Hyde. I don't want to live it ( and fight for a thing that is over it seems lame) but I want to make the right movements so he realize that he will regret it sooner than latter ( he said that he is not sure is the right decision and he might regret it latter but this is what he wants - be alone with his pain, his sufferance and wants nobody caring for him). Thank you so much for support.

Raymond 13th April 2014 09:40 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
You are saying that he repeats his mother's words that you are not supportive, don't care and are selfish. This is her control speaking again which is the main problem I see. If you were able to work these problems out alone without her interference you would most likely get somewhere. However he seems powerless to me to resist that control and therefore she might get her way. You were useful to her son while you had money perhaps but now she pulls the rug in? Until he can make his own decisions without her control then there is always going to be trouble in your marriage I'm afraid unless he can stand up to her. I don't think it is a straight rejection of you Edgya I think there are strings being pulled behind the scene.

edgya1234 13th April 2014 06:42 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78709)
You are saying that he repeats his mother's words that you are not supportive, don't care and are selfish. This is her control speaking again which is the main problem I see. If you were able to work these problems out alone without her interference you would most likely get somewhere. However he seems powerless to me to resist that control and therefore she might get her way. You were useful to her son while you had money perhaps but now she pulls the rug in? Until he can make his own decisions without her control then there is always going to be trouble in your marriage I'm afraid unless he can stand up to her. I don't think it is a straight rejection of you Edgya I think there are strings being pulled behind the scene.

I know that Raymond. She tried this before but we were very close and he got really nasty with her. Now I have a disadvantage. I explained to you: I will be his first choice as long as we have a healthy relationship, there were months he never had time to talk to her and was always very brief and without details like " we are ok, we are at... I need to live because...etc." But I rejected him, allthough I tryed to explain that I have some severe problems with myself and he seemed to understand. But how can he? I myself wouldn't. Do I have any chance as long as it seems I've lost the upper hand?

chosen 13th April 2014 10:20 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
I think that if you can both move away from his parents, get back together and have some good marriage counselling you have a good chance. You have already had one divorce surely you want to fight against having another? You do seem to think far more of your career and of money than you do of him or your marriage, I have to say. Don't you think your place is by your husband side?
His mother is using him as her surrogate husband, and he and he and his father are allowing it. Unless he moves right away from her like his brothers have, he will always be under her control.

Raymond 14th April 2014 08:53 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Why did you reject him when things were going well Edgya?

edgya1234 14th April 2014 11:01 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78713)
Why did you reject him when things were going well Edgya?


It might be that I was bored with his luck of imagination of choosing the place and the time, I am more adventurous that he is. Don't get me wrong our sex life was fabulous but lately something was lacking. I did not realized that then but now looking back I wanted different things that re was reluctant to do in the past so I stopped asking. I am beautiful woman and I am used to men doing what I want and when I want. Him saying no probably started a process in my mind that in the long term made me feel uncomfortable with myself.
Again at that time I felt like I could not stand any men's touch, not just his. I felt blocked.

edgya1234 14th April 2014 11:06 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 78711)
I think that if you can both move away from his parents, get back together and have some good marriage counselling you have a good chance. You have already had one divorce surely you want to fight against having another? You do seem to think far more of your career and of money than you do of him or your marriage, I have to say. Don't you think your place is by your husband side?
His mother is using him as her surrogate husband, and he and he and his father are allowing it. Unless he moves right away from her like his brothers have, he will always be under her control.

Thank you chosen, I do think we will have a chance at that. I never had a divorce:) He is my first marriage and I intend to keep it this way:)
He fall in love with the beautiful, sexy executive that wanted to change the world, until recently when his mother started to whisper in his ear, he believed in me and was extremely proud of me. Of course I was a wife too, I believe in doing all things well.
We will move but it will take a lot of work for me and will be painful.

chosen 14th April 2014 06:30 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78715)
Thank you chosen, I do think we will have a chance at that. I never had a divorce:) He is my first marriage and I intend to keep it this way:)
He fall in love with the beautiful, sexy executive that wanted to change the world, until recently when his mother started to whisper in his ear, he believed in me and was extremely proud of me. Of course I was a wife too, I believe in doing all things well.
We will move but it will take a lot of work for me and will be painful.

He may not agree to move away from his mum but I hope he does.

chosen 14th April 2014 06:36 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78714)
It might be that I was bored with his luck of imagination of choosing the place and the time, I am more adventurous that he is. Don't get me wrong our sex life was fabulous but lately something was lacking. I did not realized that then but now looking back I wanted different things that re was reluctant to do in the past so I stopped asking. I am beautiful woman and I am used to men doing what I want and when I want. Him saying no probably started a process in my mind that in the long term made me feel uncomfortable with myself.
Again at that time I felt like I could not stand any men's touch, not just his. I felt blocked.

Edgya its not good for you to expect men to be at your beck and call. Its not good for anyone to think they should have their own way all the time just because they may be physically attractive. Many women who are attractive will use their looks to get their own way and that's not nice or wise..
Marriage is about compromise and thinking of the other person, not expecting them to do everything YOU want. So he didn't want to do things in bed that you did. Never pressure a spouse to do that, if they aren't comfortable with something sexually then they shouldn't have to do it. Its wont have helped that you seem to have had many men before who did exactly what you wanted. Its not real life.
Also remember that real beauty is what is inside and not what is outside. What is outside will fade fast as you age, what is inside will last forever. Its what is inside that makes a marriage work, not what we look like.

Raymond 14th April 2014 07:29 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
I don't know. Sexual needs can be worked out between couples. There is a difference between needs and wants but these things cannot be worked out without good relationship. Depends what it is really although I don't want to know. I think principles are true without going into personal details. There are some thing that maybe should be done if the other feels alienated. Again it is a question of what are needs and what are wants. They can be different but I think that intimacy and closeness in that area are quite important.

If the relationship is sorted Edgya then the marriage bed can be too through open discussion. I think it was a wrong move to reject him over it. You might have pushed him back to Mama. I would apologise to him over that but still letting him know there is a problem there. Some things may be right but the way we handle them might not.

edgya1234 14th April 2014 08:10 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78719)
I don't know. Sexual needs can be worked out between couples. There is a difference between needs and wants but these things cannot be worked out without good relationship. Depends what it is really although I don't want to know. I think principles are true without going into personal details. There are some thing that maybe should be done if the other feels alienated. Again it is a question of what are needs and what are wants. They can be different but I think that intimacy and closeness in that area are quite important.

If the relationship is sorted Edgya then the marriage bed can be too through open discussion. I think it was a wrong move to reject him over it. You might have pushed him back to Mama. I would apologise to him over that but still letting him know there is a problem there. Some things may be right but the way we handle them might not.

The idea is I didn't know why I was pushing him. At that time all I knew was that I couldn't stand him touching me (of course I was much more diplomatic and invented something).
I went to counseling and did not help. The answer just pop into my mind after all this time. Being away from him, being able to think and hear my thoughts, being able to see friends without feeling guilty, being able to go out all night by myself etc. all those things helped me find myself. We were both wrong. I love him but I won't push him. I'll open the door for him but he get to come through it by himself. He is a man not a little frightened boy. I do not like that I am much more tougher and I am not the man in the couple:)
And because a photo speaks for 1000 words here is a link:
http://imgur.com/bX4graM

chosen 14th April 2014 10:57 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78720)
The idea is I didn't know why I was pushing him. At that time all I knew was that I couldn't stand him touching me (of course I was much more diplomatic and invented something).
I went to counseling and did not help. The answer just pop into my mind after all this time. Being away from him, being able to think and hear my thoughts, being able to see friends without feeling guilty, being able to go out all night by myself etc. all those things helped me find myself. We were both wrong. I love him but I won't push him. I'll open the door for him but he get to come through it by himself. He is a man not a little frightened boy. I do not like that I am much more tougher and I am not the man in the couple:)
And because a photo speaks for 1000 words here is a link:
http://imgur.com/bX4graM

What was the point in posting you photo? It makes no difference to a good healthy relationship what you look like. In fact in my experience it seems to be the people who are thought to be better looking whose marriages don't seem to last(maybe because others are attracted to them and so affairs are more likely?).
It is good that you have such a good self image though. Most women struggle with their self image and self esteem no matter what they look like. Of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn't it. Its not something that we should ever use to get our own way, or to have control over another. However that's what many do.

edgya1234 14th April 2014 11:49 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 78724)
What was the point in posting you photo? It makes no difference to a good healthy relationship what you look like. In fact in my experience it seems to be the people who are thought to be better looking whose marriages don't seem to last(maybe because others are attracted to them and so affairs are more likely?).
It is good that you have such a good self image though. Most women struggle with their self image and self esteem no matter what they look like. Of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn't it. Its not something that we should ever use to get our own way, or to have control over another. However that's what many do.

Well the image was for a certain reason: to show that all of this thing of me being ugly, feeling sick of myself, feeling ashamed was just imaginary and that I had no reason not to feel attracted to my husband. In reality I was ashamed for being an unfit wife to the man I love and loves me back and as I said did not understand for the life of me what is going on. The only thing I knew was I could not do anything in bed. A woman can't have an affair while in love:( Or I can't.
My husband suffered in silence. I just wished he would have done something I don't know, pushed me more.
He let me discover by myself trying to be the sensible and loving guy. I took me two years:( Because in the beginning he jokingly told me NO to few things I wanted to try in our intimate life, I never asked again. My subconscious stored the NO's and shut my body down. I just realize today of all days that I wanted some different things from him and because of those NO's I was afraid and ashamed to ask.
Today I am hurt, he is really hurt and we both care for each other and we have no clue how to do anything. Of course I still have to know how to tell him what the reason was. I have no idea how he will react or what he will say:(
Therefore my question: what will a guy who loves his wife do to please her?


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