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-   -   Husband doesn't want sex (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=2363)

Baroness 8th August 2011 02:48 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Forever, sorry, it wasn't you that said the things to me about my christianity. I am glad that your h stopped doing those things and is treating you better.It's a miracle. Things are going pretty well here as well. We are getting along great and I laughed so much yesterday with him I couldn't believe it. Today when a movie we were watching looked like a couple were going to make love he got up and left the room.

As it turned out, it only showed them kissing and no nudity but I thought that was kind of interesting. We've spent every night in there together talking and watching tv and we've watched good movies that have nothing to do with sex really and even when I'm in the kitchen I've noticed he changes the channel if a woman so much as thinks of taking her clothes off.

He's been telling me he loves me a lot and kissing me and even thought we haven't had sex, he has been more affectionate and confiding in me and I bought him some vitamins for his problem but he keeps forgetting to take them. He doesn't take a lot of pills and I jokingly told him this morning if he doesn't take them i'm going to grind them up and put them in his food just like I did for my son when he was a toddler.

I have to say I've been very happy but it isn't just because he's made the effort. He still has made no effort to sleep with me but the reason its so much better is because of me. I did ask God to help me deal with it and I noticed for the past few days I am no longer dwelling on the situation. I decided to stay with him and then I woke up a few mornings ago and wasn't thinking about it at all.

In fact, I don't care if he sleeps with me because he is so much work. If we slept together both of us would be worrying about if he was up to the task and that's stress on both of us and its really difficult giving bj for half an hour! Sorry, didn't mean to be crass.

The fact is that somehow I have come to accept the way things are. Not totally, mind you, its still difficult at night when I am trying to go to sleep, but my mood seems to be lighter and so is his and I'm not angry or resentful, I'm just my happy self.

I still think its a shame and a terrible waste but I'm not ready to give up quite yet, but the point is that I'm fine with things now more than ever before. Yes, I know it isn't right that he deny me or even try, but he loves me and we have a good relationship out of sex. Sorry if it seems I get defensive sometimes but I've been going through a lot lately.

I still don't like insult about my christian walk or telling me what to do, but I am definitely better. When I start to think about it I stop myself and say, 'Don't go there!' because the truth is that I could be angry all the time and resent him and what good does it do? He is still going to handle this the way he is. I have asked God to show him he isn't being fair to me and hopefully he will listen.

Of course it won't always be this good between us, there are days when he just irritates me but I can't expect perfection and things like this happen in relationships. I do love him but can't say I love him as I used to but some of my feelings are coming back. I decided to stay and stick it out because I do love him and I might not like what's happening, but I have other things to think about.

I finished my second hat, a pillbox hat and it was so great doing that. The ideas just came to me and I ordered supplies since I'm just starting out and I've gotten some of them and it makes me feel proud of myself that I can create these wonderful hats.

I did have a nice birthday but it would have been better if I could have been with him physically and sometimes I still can't believe that he has done this to us. But I can't bring myself down by wallowing in this dark world I've been in. I don't even feel that much desire for him anymore.

I'm not saying I don't want him but I'm saying that it isn't the urgent and painful frustration I have felt previously. I think doing something creative has helped me a lot too and he supports me in this, which is important. Everyone supports me, friends and family. I know i'm just starting and the only hat I sold was to my husband, but I'm having a great time.

I got a hat from my mother which was a man's hat, the kind Frank Sinatra wore and when he saw it he took his long hair out of its braid and put the hat on and said he's pay me $25 for it. I took a picture because its rare that I see his hair down. He has such beautiful hair. It's grayish blonds and curls up at the ends.

He is half balding right on top of his head but he has wonderful hair and sparkling blue eyes that light up when he smiles at me and it still takes my breath away. He's been working out up at the canyon so he wears those t-shirts with his muscles showing and sometimes I can't help but feel his muscles, which he seems to like.

I tell you, he's very handsome to me and when I look at him I think its a shame we can't put those muscles to use, but we've made love before when I wasn't expecting it at all so I can't write it off. However; he's had the perfect opportunity lately since we've been getting along so well and have been affectionate.

When I laid my head down on his lap and he was caressing my arm I thought we were getting somewhere and then he just stopped. But we are affectionate towards each other and he has apologized for certain things but he just won't acknowledge our problem. I think he was nervous I was going to bring it up so I didn't bring it up at all and we both started relaxing.

You can see the love in his eyes when he says he loves me. That doesn't excuse his behavior during all this, but believe me, it matters to me a great deal. I think he's a fool for not at least trying, given our history, but I am not going to cheat on him or leave him for something that is happening in his body.

I also don't want to do something I will regret. I've been married twice, known other men when I wasn't married, and this man has treated me better than any of them. There was a time he treated me terribly. Always running off to the bar instead of coming home, so I would worry about him and then I would call the bar and talk to him and he's say he was coming home but he wouldn't for hours.

It got to where when he walked out the door I didn't know if he was coming home or going to the bar and it was very upsetting to me. He doesn't talk to other women at the bar (I know the owner and she tells me) or flirt with them. I found out one woman was flirting with him and he got up and left, saying he had to get home.

Of course he hasn't done this for a long time and I am just now beginning to trust him to come home like he's supposed to. He liked to go there and talk to his buddies and I didn't care, but I do care that he didn't just tell me he was going there. He can go there if he wants once in awhile but he mainly stays home when he's not working.

I mentioned it one day and he said why would he go to the bar? He had everything right here, a beautiful home, his own big screen tv and me. When he was doing that I really did almost leave him. He'd come home drunk but that hasn't happened in about a year. He does go to the bar when I spend the night with my girlfriend once in awhile, and I don't mind that.

He is entitled to get out once in awhile but he should take me with him, just like he did on my birthday. So, things are better, I am enjoying my life and our life, and while it isn't perfect or the way I would prefer it, its a good life nonetheless and if I didn't have him I would miss him very much. Hopefully something will change but I can't hold my breath waiting for that to happen.

I don't rule out Gods intervention but I can't live on false hope either. Its better if I just accept this for now and make the best of it.

chosen 8th August 2011 04:49 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
baroness Good to hear you are back to your happy self, and that your husband definately seems to have taken in your hurt about that movie and is acting on it. Our faith in God certainly helps in the hard times doesnt it,and He can and does change things.

Baroness 9th August 2011 05:15 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Where is everyone? I had a good day today with my friend. She took me to dinner and then I got to pick out my birthday gift and then we went and had ice cream. A little while ago he asked me where those vitamins were I bought for him. I guess he's going to take them. He's been forgetting about them since I bought them.

I bought vitamins and I'm feeling a lot better. My friend asked me why I suddenly am so accepting of the way things are here and I told her I'm tired of being upset because it isn't helping anything. Of course she hasn't had a man in 20 years. She thinks i'm with him because I don't want to be alone because she has another friend like that.

I said its hard to leave someone that you have been with for a lot of years because you are used to them and they back you up and you can depend on them. I don't think I'm afraid of being alone, I've been alone before. The only thing i'm afraid of is making the wrong choice in staying with a man who doesn't want to make love to me.

But I will at least be able to say that I gave it my best shot. I can't believe how patient I've been and how understanding. Maybe I should just pretend that everything is okay too. Well, at least he's making the effort in taking the vitamins. I only got him one because I didn't know how he would feel about taking more than one pill. This is supposed to help him.

Anyway, I'm still holding on to the belief that I am doing the right thing in staying, not because of my age or because I'm not working. I'm staying because I still have feelings for him but its very hard to be attracted to someone who doesn't seem to notice you in a sexual way.

I've never had a man treat me like this but i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I had a good day and maybe that's all we can do; concentrate on one day at a time and not worry about what hasn't happened yet.

chosen 9th August 2011 10:27 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
baroness you are doing the right thing by not leaving, because when we marry, we make promises for life and we enter into a sacred covenant with our spouse.So unless our spouses commtt serious sexual sin, such as adultery, or commit serious abuse, then we arent supposed to leave/divorce. The promise for better and for worse is what we say and what we agree to.Not always easy but it is true.
It sounds to me that you are following God, and that is always best.

1aokgal 9th August 2011 04:18 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
For a man to be a "refuser" to deny his wife conjugal rights, is SERIOUS abuse. It exposes the mate to temptation, to seek physical comfort from another. It causes emotional devastation and the loss of equilibrium as one feels unworthy, unwanted and rejected. A refused mate can take a terrible tailspin toward something to mask the pain, in some cases, alcohol, MEDS as antidepressants, eating disorders or other forms of filling in a need to be loved and appreciated.

One beomes a hostage to anothers' refusal to keep HIS marital vows. Most women will stay in vain hope that things will change and as time goes by she is the one who changes. One is isolated in a problem that can't be shared with others. She becomes the social shield he keeps for others so they think he is an OK guy. Meanwhile she suffers in silence. I am not talking about sometimes ED problems but that other less understood dilemma of the loss of sexual desire.

This is a painful and sad problem and a burial ground for the hopes one had in marriage. There will never be a day when she doesn't question whether this is the right course. The divide widens between her husband and herself. I've lived with this dilemma and it is a difficult life to be labeled "married" and live single. It is especially hard to love another who lives behind a wall. Husband and wife who sleep in separate rooms in time will share few other things.

chosen 9th August 2011 06:43 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I suppose we all have greatly differing opinions on what constititues abuse. In my opinion a husband with ED doesn't constitute abuse, let alone serious abuse. Its not something that he can help any more than others can help other physical problems.

Baroness 9th August 2011 07:42 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I agree about the h using his wife as a shield so everyone will think he's okay. That just happened to me and I also agree that it is a form of mental abuse. However; even though we don't share a bed our relationship is like it has always been; good. Especially lately it is more than good.

That doesn't take away the fact of what isn't happening however. I don't think he will ever admit to it or even want to talk about it. As i've said before, my love for him has changed. How could it not? But I do still love him and I have known him for a long time and we've seen each other through difficult times.

I will say that in those times I am the one who suffered the most. I'm talking about when he was going to the bar all the time, but he did stand by me during the vodka time and now I don't drink hard liquor at all and haven't for over a year. His drinking has diminished quite a bit and he doesn't spend a lot of time in bars.

At times he is so generous and he makes me laugh and there are things that only he and I can relate too. We know each other. I am proud of the things he does for other people and up at the canyon. I am proud of the man he is. Of course I am not proud of how he is handling this. He could get help if he wanted to and even now I'm not sure its ed or the fact that he no longer finds me attractive, even though he says he is.

I know its ridiculous for me to feel this way but even though you may think you know what the problem is, you really could be wrong. Since he doesn't talk about it I don't know for sure but by the way our last encounter went I am pretty sure its ed, but it hasn't been confirmed or anything.

And I am also very sure that he is satisfying himself although I don't know when, it could be any time and I try not to think about it. He is no longer the center of my universe. I have other things to think about and other relationships in my life. I'm still doing pretty good in that I'm not walking around with anger and resentment.

Of course I will admit that the resentment comes to surface from time to time. I just can't live my life in anger and all the feelings this brings because it isn't doing me any good and doesn't change anything. I pray for him as well as for others, including George who posted on here, but I can't be an angry person anymore.

Life is too short. There are many other things that I enjoy in my life. Crafts, cooking, writing, friendships and shopping. I don't want to waste another minute dwelling on this 24 hours a day and i've already been angry too long as it is, for about three years in fact. It isn't healthy for me so I have to concentrate on making my hats.

And if the enemy is trying to get me down with this, well, he loses.

1aokgal 9th August 2011 08:02 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Chosen..

You have a great many opinions about a great many subjects. As you stated, you have no personal experience with a sexless marriage.

I am not the poster girl for sexless marriages, but after many, many years I am more knowledgable then most, having lived it and studied the dysfunction. As I said in my post, I do not discuss the physical malady of ED.
There are pills, pumps and devices for a man who wants to operate sexually post ED.

Please do reread my posting. It was a sure thing you would differ with anything I have to say about all subjects, but you have nothing to add on this one from a book you read. I live it, as does Baroness.
I post here that others may understand this problem, not that the facts agree with someones' concept.

Her husband has had some ED problems. That is not the full problem but the truth likely is this , he has lost sexual desire for his wife while meeting his own needs. He will not address the problem so she suffers the negligence. Sex is in the mind and not just in the loins. There are different forms of sex and a man who has desire can go that route. Men in wheelchairs can have sex in many cases, in other forms. It is easier for this man to perform for himself than to seek treatment for ED. Masturbation is as addictive as other personality disorders, as nail biting. It is habitual and takes away desire in the marriage and robs performance in the bedroom.

A woman simple can not scratch where he itches, as good as he can himself! He now has no problem as he sleeps elsewhere and has privacy, while he refuses to discuss this with her. That is the emotional abuse.
He will have a hissyfit with her if she brings it up.

Such a man can also become so agreeable and be a good companion instead of a lover. He will compensate for his failings to keep a facade in place and will be generous and helpful. He keeps her bound by his good deeds and little rewards he will use instead of affection and sex.

A woman can also get a dog who is a most agreeable companion. Personally, I sleep with a sweet grey striped cat and I have a very beautiful large dog to come at my command. I know my animals do not cheat me of love or neglect me emotionally.

I am lucky because my husband is gone six months of the year so I can maintain some peace. I will always admire this decent and intellectually astute man I married 31 years ago. That hasn't diminished, but it also doesn't cure the anger I feel because there has been much of this life unlived as it was meant to be. When he is here we are close and loving and viewed by many as a couple to envy. I keep myself busy and divert energy in my business. I urged Baroness to find something that belongs just to her.

It is sad to realize we may have placed a bet on the wrong horse, however his merits. My h. will always be the man I have most loved. It can be difficult to cope with loneliness at times since he is away but I fill the time with many enjoyable projects, friends and family. Others see us as a successful married couple. Sometimes that makes me bite my tongue. We are matched in all interests and things we like and are great companions. Yet we don't discuss this most sensitive subject because of how he would react. I never let my husbands family think there was ever a problem.

chosen 9th August 2011 10:38 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
You situation is very different from Baronness's though. Hers is very recent and wasnt this way for a long time. Yours has been for most of the marriage. If a man has ED he can hardly help it, it is physical. He is finding it really hard to deal with and accept.
She otherwise has a close and loving marriage. Why throw that away? Having ED isnt being abusive.
Telling her that nothing will change and that she will just have to accept it or leave, is because that is what you have experienced, every case is different, every marriage is different.

1aokgal 10th August 2011 12:24 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Chosen..

When this problem began my husband was 38, robust and healthy since we regularly played tennis, hiked the mountains, biked long trips, enjoyed our boat and worked out together at the gym. The first 12 years we were together was perfect. His job which requires he is gone 6 months a year, developed fully at that time. I see that absence as very hard on a couple. His lifestyle never includes drinking or substance problems and he is still physically in great shape. The many years we have together have been the best I could have with a devoted man, with one exception.

Her husband is 65, with a past drinking problem, plus some bouts of ED, which she believes may have been result of past alcohol use. The other problem discussed here which Baroness talks about, is the same.

Chosen, I am curious why you are so fascinated with this thread? You seem to have a pre-occupation with those of us who come here to discuss these issues with others who understand and share this problem. You want to interpret your knowledge from something you read again?
What is your point?

I told Baroness what I experienced. Where do you get off to say I advised her she should leave her marriage? Rather, I would say realistically, at 55 yrs old, that would be a foolish move for any woman to launch out in the toughest econemy since the depression, in hopes to find job, roof over head and perhaps find another "whole" man or greener pastures.

To the contrary, I advised her to make use of her talents and direct that energy where she is not preoccupied by these problems. I suggested that hats were successful internet items and supplied pattern and design sources so she could launch a business. That guidance steered Baroness to millinery creations she can sell on the internet. She finds pleasure in this path and it eased tensions in her household. That is the best advise she will ever get!

You are typically argumentative.

Chamomile 10th August 2011 10:45 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Hi Ladies :)

I appreciate what 1aokgal is trying to say.

I also appreciate Chosen is a dedicated poster on this site and her posts are extremely helpful most of the time (which is a huge positive when no one usually cares quite often in this day and age so her presence is so unique).

Her complete Faith in God is indisputable. And, I do admire her for it. Chosen's character is so solid like a massive boulder which just sits quietly most of the time independently.

I can also appreciate where 1aokgal is saying. I can feel your pain as if it were mine. I often think about this type of situation in my own life. Maybe, it's a matter of expectation we unconsciously possess? We all need to be understood FIRST when we seek help rather than being given a plain, cut and dried reply, along the simple line of "Do this now and you will be fine". When you are bleeding emotionally, you want that to be accepted and recognized. It's very understandable. We sometimes feel better when we are listened properly. I believe it's our spiritual dimension we possess.

In philosophy, they say that the "concepts of logicare far from cut and dried." To be honest, no replies for people who went through life-long sexless marriage should be cut and dried. In a way, it's another insult to a long-standing injury if such is done. The problem of yours is so immense and the huge damage caused by it must be beyond any descriptions. There's a difference between material needs and spiritual needs. When something is missing greatly then one is bound to notice and suffer.

Also, it may be worth thinking re. educational level of ppl who would reply. Some ppl seem to have talents and aptitude without any qualifications. But if you are so academic and are highly educated in Master's Degree or PhD etc, you are bound to be disappointed by the level of reply from someone who merely went to High School. You have an intellectual mind and you may want to seek your intellectual counterpart, which may not be available strictly on this site.

We can be all guilty of this in a public site such as this but we all need not to irritate someone/others by our crass assumptions. Sometimes, dismissive reply could drop like a sharpened knife without realizing. We really don't know ins and outs of everyone's situation that well. We assume a lot of things from reading what is written. We need to stay sensitive to the "feelings" of posters who had laid their faith shown over this site. Some posts contain highly intimate and personal information and that shows the level of faith in us. These need to be handled carefully.

Forever 10th August 2011 04:22 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Chamomile,
Very well put. I for one have no idea what being refused is like on any level....I have been totally rejected and then divorced as the result of it, but never lived my life in a "half in, half out" sort of way. I think the reason I wanted to help Baroness is because she does have her faith at her disposal...and I felt that perhaps she could be built up on that particular level as well. She needs all the support she can get, but some of us can only offer part.

That said, I also, if I am reading this correctly, think that Chosen's main concern is that Baroness does not become bitter and toss an otherwise good marriage. This would be a very easy thing to do if the conversations were primarily about how painful and unfair the situation were. There are many other things there that can operate as a means securing some level of wholeness in a relationship, and Chosen may be thinking that if we focus of the feelings of the "abuse" or "betrayal" too heavily, then we can discuss our way out of an otherwise good oportunity to properly exercise that faith to it's final outcome.

So there is a tension here, trying to help someone by whatever means we have as our strongest offering.

1aokgal 10th August 2011 04:35 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Chamomile...

Your astute observations on this site are always kind and genrous to all. I liken this thread to a painting of two boats. One is a luxery liner passing by and there are observers at the rail. I see Chosen as one of those who view the world from the rail from a safe distance. Though one can never say that a marriage of hers' (or the liner) of short duration is "safe." One also wonders why there is so much time sight seeing on this thread.

The other image is a smaller boat. Some passengers are in the water and a few are newly aboard this boat who feel frightened and try to maintain balance and establish safe footing. Those on this boat try to help the new passengers hang on and make it to port. I see myself on that boat and
Baroness is there. She feels relieved that others survived and understand her fear. As a passenger, I'm sure that the weather will remain good and we can maintain footing and help others into the boat.

It bothers me that one who sits dry on the liner insinuate their opinions on what happened here. The curiousity and lack of empathy is apparent in deameanor. It is easy to have faith when things are right in ones' world. It is a huge test of faith to live under adverse conditions and still keep faith intact. There are those profess faith, but would never consider serving a meal at a homeless shelter for others or taking someone less fortunate into their home and feed them at ones' own table. I have done these duties of faith, but don't talk much about my beliefs.

No one has the formula to heal a marriage nor is every situation alike here. So we can't offer more than personal experience, sympathy and support.
Belief is the lifeline for most of us regardless of where we are in that painting. It is also difficult to talk about an intimate area of living because most of us learns a woman holds the key to intimacy in a marriage....said my mother. That means when there is a problem in the marriage the woman may feel she has failed.

Baroness 11th August 2011 03:46 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I realize that not everyone can understand the current situation I am in. Sometimes I hardly understand it myself. When I first came on here all I wanted was to know there were other women who suffered from the same situation that I did and I was reaching out to understand why this was happening and wanted to know what to do about it.

1aokgal has a similar situation but has suffered longer than I have with it. Of course her husband is different than mine but they have very similar reactions to a similar problem. Who really understands why this happens to a man and why he handles it the way he does. Posting on here has kept me in touch with women of different personalities and different problems.

No one can understand exactly what I'm feeling because my h is different than all of yours. And I am a different kind of person than others on here. And yet I've heard very good suggestions and also ones that don't help me. I take it into consideration but I have certain standards that I believe in. If we didn't have a problem in our life we would not be on here.

I have found comfort on here and indeed, a new way of life that helps me cope with what is happening. There is no stress between him and I now because I let it go, gave it to God and yet sometimes I still battle with it. It has helped me a great deal to talk on here, to know that someone else has a similar problem.

There is a big difference in me from when I first came on here and the way I am now. In the process of posting I reinforced my relationship with God and that helps more than you know. But God isn't making the problem just go away and i'm sure he has reasons for that. I'm not going to be mad at God because he isn't solving this problem as I think he should. Who am I to question him?

But neither am I telling myself that its all going to be okay eventually and I will have a happily ever after. For many years I had that attitude. I didn't want to hear anything negative because I was living in this dream world where I would be happy with the man of my dreams and everything was going to be fine.

I can't live with my head in the sand anymore. Life isn't like that. It isn't like the romance novels I write and one of the reasons I write them is because I can make the man do whatever I want and he's always a gentleman and I assure you he doesn't have ed. I read novels in my youth and was certain I was going to find the man of my dreams.

There is no such man, but that doesn't mean there aren't good men but as human beings we are all flawed in some way and we deal with the things in our life either well or badly. And then we can start out badly and then get better, which is what I hope I have done. I am not in constant stress and anger anymore.

I have times when I am still upset and I think of what I'm missing out on, but most of the time now I am not letting this rule my whole life. Since I have felt this kind of detachment from the situation things have been going pretty well between him and I. He doesn't get mad when I try to bring it up, he just makes excuses and pretends all is okay.

I have made an adjustment to my feelings. Before I was mad and hurt and just wanted to leave because then he'd be sorry he treated me like this. I thought of that scenario a lot. But then I put myself into the future without him to see how I would feel and panic gripped me. To not have him in my life, to not see him or his smile would be horrible.

As long as I'm here there is hope. If I am not here there is no hope because we wouldn't see each other and I think it would hurt both of us very much. Since we still love each other it would be like having a body part missing if we were no longer together. Maybe I would find a man that would pay attention to me and make love to me, and maybe I wouldn't find anyone or worse yet; find someone who betrayed me with someone else.

At least now I know that he doesn't want anyone else, he's told me so on several occasions and to be honest with you, I don't want anyone else either but this is where the problem lies. I feel like I can't have him when I want or maybe never again. It is very hard to want someone and not be able to be with them as you would like.

Eight months ago we made love and it was great and we made love several times during the night. Four months ago we attempted to make love but he had a problem staying erect and I got frustrated and it didn't end well. He has slept with me since and we have held each other but nothing happened. Once I was too tired and then he was, but he hasn't slept in here with me in about 2 months now.

Four years ago when this started almost a year would go by before anything happened between us. At least we got better for awhile. He seemed very angry and quiet then so I assume that's when he realized his body wasn't the same. It comes and goes. I think he is terrified of not being able to perform. He doesn't want me to get upset and he doesn't want to have to face his problem.

Its easier for him to m and I'm not saying he does that all the time because I don't really know. I saw him once a long time ago and its natural to assume that hasn't been the only time. We no longer have the problem of him watching naked women on tv, thank God, and I know he doesn't watch porn.

I also know he loves me. He's been very loving lately and we now have an easy, enjoyable and mostly pleasant time together. I am laughing again with him and he is looking at me with love in his eyes and seems concerned that I believe that he loves me. How would you feel if you loved someone so much but your body wouldn't cooperate?

Wouldn't you feel horrible and helpless and afraid the other person would leave because you couldn't perform the way you used to? Would you want your mate to walk around angry and unhappy? Or would you want them to still love you and to make you feel like its okay and that they would still stand by you?

Would you actually admit to them that you weren't the woman you used to be and that you can no longer make love to him like you used to? Wouldn't you feel like half a woman and depressed that your body wasn't working like it used to? And wouldn't you feel so much better if he smiled at you and told you he loved you anyway?

Wouldn't you be relieved when the stress of the situation was gone? And then maybe you would relax and then feel so loved that you would risk it to try and love him? Or maybe you would be so afraid of failure that you simply couldn't risk it. You don't want him to know you can't do what he wants more than anything. And how can you admit, even to yourself that you have failed as a partner and lover?

Of course, if I were in his shoes I would go and try to get help so that I could have sex with him. I would also talk to him about it and tell him that I love him and it isn't because of anything he did. I would do that, but he has not. I would even make love to him anyway even though my body wouldn't respond.

You see, its different for a man. A woman can lay there and even fake it but a man cannot. If he can't maintain an erection then there is no hiding it. Its on his shoulders basically. Maybe he doesn't want me to feel like I am not attractive or it is somehow my fault. No, I wouldn't handle it like he has but I am not a man and I am not him.

I believe he is relieved that I quit trying to get him to talk about it. But you see, it is not just him in this. I am in this right along with him and yet he isn't making an effort. He has shown me more affection lately and tells me he loves me a lot and is oh so nice. Maybe he feels that's all he can do until his body cooperates.

There are two kinds of people in this world, ones who have a problem and put all their effort into solving it, and there are those who have a problem but don't want to admit it to those around them or to their spouse. The sitters and the doers. He is the sitter. He sits there in front of the tv and tries to forget that his body is changing.

I'm the doer, I will immediately find out what is wrong with my body and then I will do whatever it takes to try and fix it because I don't want him to feel inadequate. I have tried many things and its been a frustrating road to travel down because most of the time I feel I'm out there swimming in the water trying to stay afloat, and he's sitting on the boat watching tv and doesn't even notice I'm starting to drown.

I've said all this for myself as well as to you. I need to remind myself of what it must be like for him. If I was the one who couldn't have sex anymore I wouldn't want him telling all our friends, I would want him to keep it to himself. How helpless he must feel and yet he won't talk to the woman he loves about it.

If there was no love then it would be easy to go away and then neither one of us would have to deal with it anymore. Celebrities get divorces at the drop of a hat and i'm sure they don't divorce because of a problem like this. I'm sure their reasons are much more insignificant that this. Maybe there are real problems but they don't stay and try to work it out; they call their attorneys and before the ink is dry on the divorce decree they have already found someone else.

I am not a woman who gives up easily. I stayed with my two husbands until they cheated on me but before that I tried everything but I never had a problem like this with them. Sure, they would have sex with me but the problem was they had sex with someone else too. That is worse than what I am going through.

I have a man who loves me and no matter what you may think, there in nothing worse in life than to find out your man was with another woman. You feel betrayed and like life is over. Then you get angry but the pain is so intense that you can hardly breathe. That's what it was like for me and today, right now, I am very thankful that I don't have to go through that with this man.

Chamomile 11th August 2011 10:01 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Forever (Post 64806)
Chamomile,
Very well put. I for one have no idea what being refused is like on any level....I have been totally rejected and then divorced as the result of it, but never lived my life in a "half in, half out" sort of way. I think the reason I wanted to help Baroness is because she does have her faith at her disposal...and I felt that perhaps she could be built up on that particular level as well. She needs all the support she can get, but some of us can only offer part.

Chosen may be thinking that if we focus of the feelings of the "abuse" or "betrayal" too heavily, then we can discuss our way out of an otherwise good oportunity to properly exercise that faith to it's final outcome.

So there is a tension here, trying to help someone by whatever means we have as our strongest offering.

Hi Forever

Thank you for your kind words and compassion. I'm with you in your balanced observations. You're often able to provide unique insights and perspectives which no one else seems to be able to. I deeply appreciate your remarkable presence on this site at all times. You help so many ppl and help them heal. You are one extremely devoted God's steward.

Sometimes, we do fall into negativity re. our h's character. I have done this in the past. At some point, I had to come to closure by some means e.g. specialists, shrink, therapist etc even whatever had happened in the past are not reversible.

Thank you for your sweetness and gentleness, 1aokgal. There must be some reason behind your h's behaviour which had nothing do with "you". Yes, I totally agree that empathy is very important on a Christian site like this. :)


"“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12 ESV



"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 ESV



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