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-   -   Am i sinning and how do i stop? (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8832)

Godevenlovesme 4th May 2014 01:30 PM

Am i sinning and how do i stop?
Hello I am new on here but spent some time last night reading through some of the threads and thought this is the place I may get some peace or at least advice on how to achieve it. Here goes.

I've just started to type out our history and deleted - 4 times! not getting any clearer to right.

as background we have been married 10 years, am blessed with two lovely children (7 and 5) who make life worth living. we are a practising Christian family.

long and short of it he does not demonstrate love or affection and has very little sex drive. whereas I would love to receive physical love and affection and sex. he doesn't even let me show him affection. Not at all sure he loves me - got nothing really to go by. I do love him but I suppress it now (God knows I love my husband) we argue a lot. and we haven't had sex since.......I think 2012. have gone full years(s) without it. he says its my [problem and I have to cope with it. how did we get children - tended to be me begging and coaxing.

So I work on making things calm and tolerable - for the kids and my sanity - to accept my lot as there are other things to be grateful for. but the lack of love, affection and sex is hard to bear to know I won't get this for the rest of my life.

But my sex drive rears its ugly head every month and ruins things as I cant control the wanting. At other times i cope very well and i see the effect it has on the family - much happier (Husband happier but does not change anything between us sex wise). I don't pester my husband - anymore and I don't really touch him anymore. he will give me a kiss on the lips occasionally but its such a shock I don't get time to respond. but I "self-love" and have fantasied about other men - try to keep it anonymous rather than a real person doesn't always happen.

so the fact that I fantasied about another man - have I committed adultery? Is my husband not at fault regards withholding sex and not meeting my needs? this thought makes me resent him - am I wrong on this point. As I wont go anywhere else and husband wont do anything to change how do I cope with the longing and wanting but most of all stop the fantasying? I try fantasying using my husband but its too real and painful regards rejection over years. And then it starts me wanting him when i know i cant have him.

how do I stop the sinning? how do I stop the resentment that his actions lead me sin even though I know only we can sin no one makes us.

Anyone got an answer? What do I do to cope? Not sure what God wants me to do. The emotional and physical longing is the greatest issue. If i could control this I'd be able to cope better with my lot.:(

1aokgal 5th May 2014 07:48 PM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
Welcome to the Forum...

I'm so sorry to hear how sad and puzzled you must be by your husbands' lack of interest in sex in your marriage and the implicit rejection you feel about that issue. As it has continued a long while, you have undergone many emotional upheavals as you seek to understand and explain his behavior. You love your husband, and you seek to do whatever you can to "win" back his affection. I understand the emotions you feel of being sad, unhappy, and angry, as you struggle to deal with feeling very isolated and trying to cope with your own emotional and physical need to love and be loved. One doesn't get married to be sexually celibate.

Your situation is shared by many women internationally. The "sexless marriage" seems a phenomenon of modern times as jokes/stories always point at the "poor men" suffering silently, in sexless marriages, while the women are the "Refusers." That fable is pretty much far from true. It seems that women are the ones who hear he is "too tired" most of the time.

I won't go into what hell this can cause the one who is rejected by a mate! Let us say this shameful problem, to be rejected by ones' spouse, can cause a huge amount of psychological perceptions, as one internalizes that somehow they are "not right", to point a mate would not want to be with them sexually. The sin belongs to the spouse who cuts his ties and leaves the other partner to deal with the issues this causes, while they live in their own isolated world that may include pornography with images or internet use, masturbation, or possibly infidelity to meet their own needs. Meanwhile such a man will not discuss nor make clear why the denial of ones' partner takes place. Maybe they are a great husband in all points, but sexual intimacy, which does not exist in a sexless marriage.

This rejection can leave a wife to fester in a quandary to understand what they have done to lose a husbands' love and what they must do to "win" back the "unwinnable" spouse, in some manner, which seems just beyond reach to accomplish. So the sexlessness in the marriage is the "elephant in the room" between the parties. Some couples will argue and find it becomes a monologue. She accuses, and he leaves the room, too offended to discuss the issue (which to him does not exist.)

Dear Lady, I will tell you this. You are not alone. That issue likely will never be explained or your marriage repaired. This a sexless marriage is a complex issue with many underlying causes with the man that range between emotional problems and physical issues. There can be low "T" issues that can be medically detected, BUT if a man has no interest to do that...or to discuss the problem at all, it is not going to be fixed, Many men prefer masturbation to coital sex. They are practiced in self pleasure, and are so good at it, that no sexual stimulation is going to improve that "high" gained. Some men cannot form an alliance with another human being, except masturbation. Some men are homosexuals and either practice that preference, after marriage, or feel subliminally love in a nether world of desire for same sex. You probably have become a detective to examine all aspects of your husbands' life to reach some understanding of your life together. I am sure these aspects may be considered. The truth is that statistics show this problem seldom gets FIXED.

So here is what I can tell you. Don't try to understand him any longer! Don't argue, plead or cry about this. You will make yourself sadder and sicker than you are today. DO become strong and put your love into your children, yourself, and your home.

Many women drown the problems of their feelings of rejection in some form of addiction...alcohol, food, shopping or some outlet to make yourself feel better. This is all self gratification not gained anywhere else. These habits can also be form of introjected anger. We can't be angry at the person we love, so we turn the anger into ourselves. Work on "feeling" issues. Join a gym, a social club, get a bike and ride with others, take some classes, and concentrate on your wellness and happiness. Decide whether you want to live with PART of him. You either accept that or make changes to yourself that mean you will end the marriage. If anyone can give you advice on this problem, I can.

You asked some questions in your post. Is it normal to feel isolated with no sexuality in your life? Yes. Most people who loves someone wants to be close to them, and sex is part of the covenant of marriage. Are you sinning to think of someone else sexually, in the absence of a relationship with your marriage? Some would say that is a sin, since you are committed to one person in the marriage. I say the sin is committed by the "refusing spouse" your husband, who has put you "out there" adrift with his failure to meet his responsibility, as his body belongs to you, his wife. To abstain, as he has sexually, is abnormal, and sinful. Your having thoughts, temptations and concerns is normal. I would say that you would be making a HUGE mistake to step outside this marriage, until all options are explored, to alter that situation. Statistically, the reports are pretty negative that a "sexless marriage" can change, but so long as you love him, and he might realize the damage to his marriage, it is possible...just not probable.

Do some reading on the subject of "Sexless Marriage" and you will understand that pornography may very likely be the outlet of choice for your husband. That is true in many cases. Some issues are slightly fixable, but only with a lot of counseling for both. Good luck.

Raymond 6th May 2014 08:36 AM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
1okgal is right GLM. Many of these types of problems have been created by a diversion of the sexual drive to pornography or masturbation with fantasy.

I hope it is not that and the fact you are practicing christians would make this less likely but it is wise to check this out.

What really sticks in my gut is when he says it is your problem. That is an absolutely awful thing to say. It is his problem as part of marriage is meeting each others need of intimacy. We are sexual creatures. God made us that way and marriage is the legitimate outlet for that.

Even just a glance at 1 Cor 7 will point out that the husband does not have power over his own body but the wife does and vice versa. It goes on to say don't defraud one another in this unless it is by mutual consent for a time. Why he doesn't see this I can't imagine. Perhaps he needs pastoral help and counsel in this?

The most hope you have I think is praying for him that he will grow in Christ and understand as his behaviour is most unchristian. In the meantime I can't judge you. I'd be much much worse than you in your situation. There is something desperately wrong which he seems blind to and even deceived. We know that sex is wrong outside of marriage but within it is a truly wonderful thing and a central part of the intimate side of marriage.

You could check the porn mb thing so that we are not going in the wrong direction but on the face of it it seems the enemy has got in to that area of your marriage because of his attitude.

Raymond 6th May 2014 01:13 PM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?

Originally Posted by Godevenlovesme (Post 78902)
so the fact that I fantasied about another man - have I committed adultery? Is my husband not at fault regards withholding sex and not meeting my needs? this thought makes me resent him - am I wrong on this point. As I wont go anywhere else and husband wont do anything to change how do I cope with the longing and wanting but most of all stop the fantasying? I try fantasying using my husband but its too real and painful regards rejection over years. And then it starts me wanting him when i know i cant have him.

how do I stop the sinning? how do I stop the resentment that his actions lead me sin even though I know only we can sin no one makes us.

Anyone got an answer? What do I do to cope? Not sure what God wants me to do. The emotional and physical longing is the greatest issue. If i could control this I'd be able to cope better with my lot.:(

I realise this was your question GLM which I didn't really touch on. In the chapter I quoted 1 Cor 7 it goes on to say make sure you come together again so that Satan does not tempt you. A situation has been created where you are under severe temptation and God knows that. The fact that you are trying to do the right thing speaks volumes on the faith that you have. I think it is a dangerous area that you fantasise sexually about about someone you know at times but at the same time you have been put into a very vulnerable position. It would be easy to say just go ahead and don't feel guilty but that wouldn't be right either. I would say continue to fight the battle but if you fall don't come under condemnation. You are doing your best under the circumstances. The real problem is in the marriage and your husband's failure to meet your need. That need is legitimate and normal. I still think the ultimate answer is for your husband's eyes to be opened through your prayers and hopefully the right counseling from his pastor or other sources. It has to come out into the open somehow for it to be dealt with properly even though the nature of it is private and personal. There are certain pastor types who will be skilled on this sort of thing and who will be able to bring some kind of gentle rebuke to your husband.

chosen 7th May 2014 07:20 PM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
I am so sorry at what you are going through. Your husband is being very disobedient to God at withholding sex, its a sin plain and simple, and he should be doing all he can to right that situation, such as seeing the doctors, getting prayer and ministry, making sure that he isnt masturbating himself to porn etc.
I think that he needs to know what this is doing to you, and that the marriage is at risk. He is burying his head in the sand. He is putting everything at risk, and leading you into temptation. I think you need to both get outside help, either seeing a trusted mature couple at your church, or a marriage counsellor. Has he got a male Christian friend he can talk to about this? Something is wrong here, either physically or mentally, unless he is using porn as so many men do today. Either way it IS his problem, because he isnt being the man God says he should be, and if he has no interest in sex then he should have told you before you married.

As for masturbation. can you do that without imagining yourself with another man?Its not going to help you to do this.

1aokgal 9th May 2014 09:17 PM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
This is a very difficult thing to do but I hope you separate the "behavior" from the person you love, and see the positives in all other respects with your life together. Angry confrontations, pleading and accusations only put you further apart. His saying this is "your problem" may be a way to distance himself from the pain he may see in you, that he has caused. I have the feeling that these men do not talk about this because they don't understand what is going on with them either.

I think real career driven, workaholic type A personality types may be more prone to this emotional isolation. Maybe they fear to depend, need, a woman and don't want to meet anothers' needs maybe because they fear inadequacy. Were there other type sexual problems when you did have sex together? Did you feel you were always the one who initiated the sex?

However you deal with this, hopefully, your husband might be willing to discuss it with a counselor or doctor. May I say, be kind in your dealing with him. He may feel terrible about himself, as this kind of problem is almost like a drug. It is a form of release a man uses and he can become dependent on MB for release of stress. Sometimes that is the release from a very demanding work situation. He may not understand why he feels this way. This is a complex issue, and sad for both parties.

There are many components to a marriage. Don't stop loving him because of something that has caused emotional crippling and isolation, as he is like shut inside himself. I feel certain this behavior is not to hurt you. I think many men with this problem are like an autistic child who can't reach out beyond themselves. I feel sorry for both of you.

I would tell him that you love him and you wish he had not built a wall between you. See what he says or if he refuses to discuss this. Have you discussed this with any of your family? Women usually hide this problem and mask it, because they feel responsible and embarrassed. My mother told me that SHE never had such a problem. Translated that meant there was something wrong with me. My mother always competed with me..and she won...she thought. I never discussed this with her or anyone after that. It was then my problem. This is hard to discuss and not to feel bad about yourself..as inadequate. Try not to take it personally. I don't think it is about YOU at all.

Raymond 10th May 2014 08:49 AM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
Could be what's called an avoidant. These are people who as children needed love and connection, as all children do, but didn't get it. In the end they say to themselves, not literally, this is too painful I don't need this and they kind of shut off and become independent. That child carries on into adulthood with this deep down fear of intimacy. They learn to survive and can make good leaders or businessmen actually but there is a part of them that fears real intimacy. One has to know it themselves before it can be dealt with. These kinds of people are prone to addictions as well.

Godevenlovesme 26th May 2014 02:37 PM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

1aokgal - your words are comforting in that you've totally understood my plight.

I've spent years resenting him, being angry, hating myself, hating him, done all the things you said. We're not kind to each other we're horrible. How can anything change even if there was a remote chance of change.

But it's time to look after myself. Be kind to myself and be kind to him. He doesn't understand or doesn't want to. But the facts are I am not leaving this marriage and I am not going to look elsewhere. Am I going to stop thinking about someone else - I am not going to promise but I am going to divert my mind onto other things. Let the urge pass rather than give into it.

I see this as god testing me regards self control. I'm not going to say I'll never self love that's unrealistic but if it satisfies am immediate need so be it. I can move on with my day.

When I can control my thoughts and behaviour it creates a better home environment for all and it does not mean he changes it just means there's more peace in the house.

What you say about this never been fixed - I can see that now - resentment and anger comes from trying to change the unchangable.

It may be corny but that prayer about acceptance of what I can't change, courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I have to accept this situation and within it create my own happiness with gods help. It's not giving in and I'm not going to live half a life - there's a bit missing and it makes me sad but it could be worse I may never have met him and I wouldn't have had my two precious little angels that give my life purpose - I'm going to do the best with what I've got. Isn't that what god wants- makes the most of our lot than whine for stuff we can't have?

I'll know I'll have my off days and I will yearn for him - which physically is linked to my cycle that wants etc are stronger at that time and so are the moods so recipe for disaster every month.

I need to make more of myself I don't like how I look so I'm going to work on myself - for me.

I've spent many hours, years and shed many tears - has it changed anything - not one bit.

Has it made us all unhappy - yes.

So no solution to the actual problem but time to try and move on. Do I make it sound easy? I know it's not. I know there are fundamental issues here but sometimes they are just beyond us to resolve. If I could draw it it would be a big tangled ball of yarn. And I find it so difficult some days to just let it go and leave it to god but that's what needs to happen. I've done the counselling, been to see clergy (even hubby went - still could not see why such a problem) nothing changes. But then cos we are both at logger heads how can anything change, how can one of us feel safe enough to make a move if not talk about it. So muddled up and such a mess now can't begin to unpick now.

But I give the problem too much air time, I feed it with my anger and frustration.

It's not ideal but subject yo controlling my response it's not enough to leave him. But you're right it is the elephant in the room especially the bedroom. Sometimes there's such an air of tension but I'm too scared that if I try anything I will be rejected. He doesn't do anything but then all he's seen is my angry face for most the day. Lose lose situation.

And I would NEVER stray - I want to be able to look my kids in the eye and say I did the best I could and did my best to follow god.

But I want desperately for my kids never to feel the loneliness I feel at times. I pray and hope they find life partners that at the end of each day they here " I love you" and they are held tight in someone's loving arms.

I'm sad in a corner of my heart but I'm going to try and grab any happiness that comes my way like it's going out of fashion. It's not going to be like I'd like it to be but I can't live in that state of mind anymore - angry, resentful.

It feels like a rollarcoaster of sadness then happiness but I'm going work on avoid the big dips into depression / anger - I believe that is what god wants me to work on. My response, my attitude. Can I say I am truly loving towards hubby - can't say I am so can things change. There's a definition of love in the bible sorry I don't know where exactly but I'm going to work on living up to that definition of love then I can look back and say I did my best.

As you said its between him and god to resolve how he sees this problem.

Thanks - I am glad I found this forum. I needed a Christian viewing this. Other people would say just leave him.


Raymond 27th May 2014 12:56 PM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
I am sad for you GLM and I don't know how you are coping, but maybe I see it from a man's point of view.

I think you are tremendous to attempt to carry on loving in spite of the situation. Hubby is disobeying the scriptures but you cannot change him. Changing yourself could cause him to change. That definition of love is in 1 Cor 13 by the way.

I think your plan makes a lot of sense and feel you might overcome in spite of the awful situation. What else can you do? One can only attempt to thrive in the situation that they are in. That picture of jumbled up knots is interesting. Christ is an expert in untangling knots through the Holy Spirit who leads us into all truth in every situation. He can do far above all that we ask or think.

I know that 1okgal has put up with this for years and years and has worked out a mechanism to cope. As your husband is a christian there is more hope I think as in theory there is a pathway to him (especially if you are praying) if he reads scipture and wants to follow God.

chosen 27th May 2014 04:59 PM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
I think its appalling that some spouses so blatantly disobey the Bible in this, and don't make any effort to do anything about it. I see it as nearly as bad as cheating on someone in fact maybe worse because its life long and so unloving and cruel to the other spouse.
Anyone in this situation should be strongly challenged by people in their church, just as he would if he was committing another sexual sin, and told that he needs to get his act together and get help to sort it out, whether that be prayer and ministry, medical intervention or counselling.

I recommend the book called 'The power of a praying wife' by Stormie Omartian. Its has some good scriptural prayers there, some of them about the the sexual part of marriage.

1aokgal 30th May 2014 04:29 AM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
Dear Lady...

It is difficult isn't it, to try to stay on emotional even keel when some stray thought will drag up the memory of love or the intimacy no longer there. This recall brings such sharp pain and longing for the yesterday of youth. I love my husband with a great passion that covets his face, smile and sound of him yet, we two live like wind up dolls programmed for mundane tasks without emotion.

I hear in your writing the difficulty you have to detach and find some acceptable way to live life on the terms he has set in your household. So long as you never speak of this loss or reach out to him, fearing his rejection, you have reached some compromise that gets you through the days. I could go along for months at a time without anger living this charade. The vulnerable time for me is rising in the morning, with sleep still holding me, and the face in the mirror has very sad eyes. I have not put on my practiced look that says everything here is fine.

My husband and I are good friends. We enjoy our activities and companionship. He enjoys to see me active and encourages artistic pursuits. To observers, we seem a devoted couple. He always has my hand and at a restaurant table, we are the couple with the animated discussion, and interested in each other. We don't argue, have scenes or displays of impatience. He open doors, pulls out the chair and he is a kind man. I treat him with respect and love him. We just don't sleep together for 22 years. He is sad about that, as he would like to share the bed, and sleep there. He has his own bedroom as I took back control of my space. I did not need to feel rejected or lie beside a man who has shown that he has no desire sexually with his wife. Would I lie there seething, while he slept? No. That separate space released my negative feelings. It was a relief to feel calm. As a child I was taught it was unacceptable to express anger. I lived in a household of fear. Repressed emotion can make a person physically ill. I am not an angry person. You must not be an angry person. That emotion can kill every cell in your body.

I do understand about your marriage. Buy a notebook and begin to journal your days. That writing is cheap psychotherapy! When you express your feelings and read later, clarity follows. It is amazing what you learn when you document events as they occur. If you hate, express it. No more emotions seething behind a fašade of indifference. That despair, longing, anger and fear of being alone makes you the walled up child left to cry, and no one hears. As you pray for him to notice your pain, he is oblivious. That can make one feel very angry to be ignored. Don't waste your time/energy to wonder WHY he is this way just accept it is reality.

The only change in this marriage could be you get so angry you eat, drink, or become bitter and shrewish, as you internalize rejection from a hopeless life. That would be a huge waste of a wonderful person. Turn this around and take control of your bedroom, your time and energy. Cut him lose to do what he wants and stop hoping for what he won't offer...himself. He is a shell, he can't be what you want him to be. Men like this often love a woman enough to win and woo her, and for awhile they function. It is especially true of driven, narcissistic, high performers who are solitary in their career pursuits. My husband works in an environment where he can be alone some hours as he does his work, yet oversee others.

Recapture your own space, so you are not always waiting for HIM to act, so YOU can react. Take up a passion that will captivate your heart and mind. Write, paint, learn a skill or hobby, take some classes as photography or some discipline that brings reward and challenge. Go reinvent yourself, so you like yourself again. If the exterior is not pleasing, CHANGE it. I say this because women are very hard on themselves. We lie or take the blame for the sexless marriage. Most women don't share this secret. It is hurtful and shameful to admit we are not desired by the person we love. I never told my husbands' mother he has a problem! So, we cover, don't we? How loyal is that? Very!

I do tell my husband that I love and respect him. I never tell him that sometimes I don't like him. Why should I? I deal with my emotions and get rid of the negative which can only bring harm to me and my cells. He loves me but shuts himself away from any real physical contact. Some men are asexual. I think the nature of the problem doesn't matter to me. I just accept he is broken. I went past making this my quest in life! It cost me too much energy. Put your heart into making things better for yourself. Indulge yourself with things you enjoy to do. Get a couple friends and go away for an art weekend.

I have my husbands' love as he is capable to give. As he is broken, I pity him. I am particularly kind to him. We have remained mostly happy together for many years. There is more to love than sex! One day as we age, sex fades. I am not there yet. as I remember my parents had robust sex into their 80's. They didn't like each other, but the sex held.

You must heal yourself. You won't leave the marriage, you make it better. The contract has been rewritten, so based on the experience you have, you nourish your family with all your heart. Hold nothing back from your husband, but spare yourself the hurt of rejection and live it on your best terms. It works, it just takes awhile to navigate the shoals of anger or unresolved issues. Be an alive and vital person. Make happiness your goal without depending on him to set the tone. Lighten up.

Now, if you find he lives a double life and you learn there are other problems, then that changes the game. Vow to be a happy person and you will find it works.

Godevenlovesme 28th June 2014 09:36 PM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?

I hadn't realised a whole month has gone by but I have read your reply 1aokgal a few times and I was feeling lonelier today and read it again. they are wonderful words of wisdom and comfort. but not gushing comfort - I mean they are practical and real that give me practical ways to deal with this. the anger feels like its going to bubble up and it does come out but its more short lived now as I know it doesn't change anything. my anger was a way of saying to him "look what you have done to me, look how hurt I am, how could you do this, why did you do this" but that doesn't change anything. I'm tired of it going round and round in my head. its time to move on - its like being angry at a loss/ a death, you openly grieve, you adjust to your "new different life" as its time to move (but you don't forget the loss).

Your words acknowledge the pain but give me ways to cope. I have copied and saved your last reply so I can't lose it. I will come back to it when I feel I need to.

Thank you

chosen 29th June 2014 01:22 PM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
Writing things down can be very helpful, as can writing a letter to your husband explaining from the heart how you feel. Things can change but sometimes we need to be proactive . I honestly believe that a spouse who knowingly withholds sex for years, and does nothing about it, is causing that marriage to be ruined, and many marriages WILL end because of their cruelty and selfisness. Thats what it is, pure selfishness. If they have issues that need dealing with then they can get help. There is so much help out there for us now, medical, counselling etc and for the Christian, prayer for healing and restoration. He really needs to have some accountability from one or two other guys at your church, who can speak to him and pray with him so that this can be changed.

Raymond 1st July 2014 09:45 AM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
Yes it isn't right but I am beginning to understand the need to grieve and move on. It doesn't stop one praying about the situation but to continually be tortured over it can't be good. Grieving a loss is a temporary pain that can heal a much bigger pain. Avoiding the reality of the loss just leads to continual anger. There is a place for it in life and I am told that we are a generation that is very bad at it and tend to hold on to anger and bitterness. Just my pennyworth.

1aokgal 4th July 2014 08:01 PM

Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?
Dear GELM,

You and I have kinship in dealing with a problem that is much more prevalent in our world than most know. If anger is part of your day on a regular basis, than being a victim can become a habit that is hard to break. I choose to find positive ways to keep myself happy and productive and part of that expression is through creative artworks in the things I do.

You may need to speak to a counselor on a regular basis to as not to bottle up emotions. You need to decide how you will handle life, if there are no changes, and the best that can happen is what already exists. I love my husband with passion and unconditionally. That is a right decision for me. He is a kind, generous man who does a lot for me in every way he can. It is no understatement to say I think God approves of my respect for my husband and blesses me in this marriage.
What you tell yourself on daily basis will be fact. If you tell yourself you are unhappy and depressed, for sure you will be miserable.

Your love story is never finished until you choose to end it.
BTW..I would never expose my husband to the humiliation to be "talked at" over this problem by members of a church!
I believe this problem has emotional, mental and spiritual components. A person who shuts down emotionally may not understand the reasons this has occurred.

I see this as a condition that comes from deep psychological wounds or problems. Private counseling by a licensed doctor of Psychiatry is no sure cure for such trauma that can cause a person to "shut down" and "shut off" from others! If porn use is involved with your husband as with some men, that interest is as addictive as any drug injected or imbibed. That can take hold of the mind and spirit.
If life is better for you alone, than divorce is an option, but it sounds as if you have too much invested there to consider that.
Work on making yourself industrious and happy.

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