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jan2012 31st January 2012 04:38 PM

brink of seperation
i hope you can give me some support/advice. hubby and i been married 3 years, been through illness, work difficulties etc. our marriage has always had problems - and we have just lost respect for each other. every few days things go ok and then there is a complete fall out which could last a few days and it means i can't cope as i am so worn down - i get depressed, cancel my plans, can't get on with my life anymore. i have moved to my parents a few times when this has happened - it happened a few days ago and i said that was it im moving out - we have just started counselling together but i still don't really want to live together during this process but have decided to give it one more chance. my mental health is affected by the arguments, plus to add to the mix i have a new baby to look after and don't want this affecting her. i don't know what to do. he wants us to go on holiday together to get a break. in the circumstances, would this not be a recipie for disaster? i cannot stand when he is off work, i can't relax in my own house,things are full of tension. the things that led up to this was my own illness and depression, us not having a social life together, his break down over work difficulties and loss of respect - also 2 completely different family dynamics. he never gives me space when i need it for ecample if we are argueing and i say we need to drop this and talk about it later he will follow me from room to room if i close the door he will open it and go on and on till he has got his point out / anger out and i am reduced to a crying mess or in a state of anxiety which affects me for a long time afterwards. i have already said ive had enough. many times. now i feel stupid i am being persuaded to go home - and i need to, i need my own space my own house my own surroundings, but i also need to get a new place of my own for ahwile - would separation not be good for awhile as we are destroying each other. its so hard. tomorrow we have a counselling appointment. i am looking after a demanding baby and to be honest all this is draining me so much. by the way, we are both born again christians....the devil has had it out for us from the start!

Forever 31st January 2012 04:50 PM

Re: brink of seperation
I have to get ready for work right now, but will answer you just as soon as I set up my store...been there, done that, own the T-shirt. Yes, the devil is at work, but there is a way to turn this around...my husband and I did. I am in California, so just beginning my day, but I will get right back to you.

Hang in there!

Forever 31st January 2012 09:31 PM

Re: brink of seperation
What are the biggest issues that you two fight about? Which of the two of you is more likely to not listen to the other when you hear something that you dont like or disagree with? When did all these fights start...before marriage, or after the honeymoon? Is there swearing and threats flying...throwing things, name calling, blame-shifting ect?

How old are the two of you?

What evidence do you have that your husband is a Spirit filled believer...I mean, what FRUIT is operating in his normal every day life that validates his claim to faith?

jan2012 1st February 2012 08:56 AM

Re: brink of seperation
hi forever,
thanks for your reply - and for sharing and the encouragement. im glad you got through your hard times.
it is sometimes not always big issues we fight about - it is often small things that just escalate. its the way we speak to each other. i will get annoyed with the way he speaks to me (as he comes across as very angry etc) and he will say i am too sensitive and then it will escalate from there. another thing is our different routines and schedules. he has a very busy schedule at times and i am also minding the baby all the time, he doesn't understand that sometimes i need a break away from it - just to get a bath or to get out of the house, and we argue about who is the most run down - then he will want me to go out when i am too tired etc. its about planning - a lot of arguments are when we sit with our diaries and try to plan schedules.
i think he is more likely not to listen to me most of the time, it takes him a long time to come round to anything i suggest. an example is a very fancy carpet we have and is totally white hard to clean and unsuitable for a baby and it has taken him 4 months to agree that we need to put it in the loft for now, before it was his way, he seems quite controlling that way. i will always listen to him, but maybe not right at that moment. sometimes i need some time out if we are heavily arguing and things are getting upsetting, then i say now is not the right time and he will not respect that, and thats where things realy fall apart.
there were a few fights before we married as we were under a lot of stress then, they really kicked off from the honeymoon. yes there are swearing threats blame all that. we are 29.
he is definately a believer - he has an active faith in God - he doesn't read the bible any more really as he doesn't have time but he prays a lot, when we have bad fights sometimes he will just pray for us when things have calmed down and we are at our wits end. he always has love for me and forgiveness - i am the one who cannot just forgive and forget. i forgive but i cannot just get up and get on as if nothing has happened where he seems to be able to. thanks for listening. we are going to counselling today. i am just so tired of it all. i have a headache!

saralee 1st February 2012 06:16 PM

Re: brink of seperation
I seriously thought that my marriage was over. Everyone in my life was telling me to forget about my husband and to move on - and I believed that I had no choice. But a therapist gave me a book called Divorce Busting and when I went to the website, I was very excited and grateful to find a coach that would talk to me on the phone (she happened to be Christian, which I liked) that actually was able to help me come up with a plan to do things very differently and it looks like my husband is responding in a positive way! It is worth checking out. Good luck.

Forever 1st February 2012 06:22 PM

Re: brink of seperation
Thank you for clarification. His words leave deep wounds in your soul, that is what drains you...he is not affirming your person or your particular sensitivities...he must find better ways to speak to you when he is upset, stressed or angry than to leave you in shreds verbally.

So you are sensitive, I imagine he is too except that in a different way. He needs to learn that just because he is "the man", does not mean he gets to dominate and control. He is supposed to lead and love you in a sacraficial way...not a overtake and overpower way. I hope he does not throw Scripture around as a weapon too???

Does he work 24 hour shifts?? Well, tending the needs of a baby is just like that. It is hard to even get a nice bath in. I had four children so I know. He needs to start realizing that you need help and a break so that you feel like a whole person. I am hoping the counseling will be effective in giving you a way to express these things...and that he will be responsive.

Please let us know how it went.

chosen 1st February 2012 06:38 PM

Re: brink of seperation
jan I think that the marriage counselling will help.

1aokgal 2nd February 2012 01:38 AM

Re: brink of seperation

Welcome. A new baby puts a lot of stress of work and worry on a woman and most men are not that helpful with all the details that come with the little bundle of joy. Your husband should be making it easier by doing some dinner preparation or helping with chores to take some of the load off you.

I don't know what all the arguing is about but one thing is CRAZY. He has no business to follow you from room to room like a bulldog to get the last word! That is quite abusive behavior and intimidating and controlling. That is not to be born! I would tell him that when you go into (whatever room you retreat to as the bedroom) he is to give you "time out" space so there are no last words. If I had to..would install a door lock on that bedroom and put something pleasant in there for a short time for you to get that personal space.

Marriages where a man is that over bearing can go to really bad to worse as the man uses your weaknesses to force you into a dependent child as he stands over you ranting and raving. That is unforgiveable! No wonder you are in a depressed state to be so completely disrespected.

If you come back at him with fury, the tension accelerates, and then it is full scale yelling war. If you retreat, he is beating you to the wall. No, I sure would not go on vacation with him and be stuck in car for hours with the anger you must feel toward him! So I think you have to get it across, that conduct is unacceptable, and you won't tolerate it now, or in future. When you can, you need to find a safe relative as mother or sister, to leave the baby for a couple hours and meet a friend for lunch or a movie. You need a little ME time.

If that conduct continues, he has no respect for you. He must be used to see a male figure, like a father, intimidating his mother. He learned that behavior somewhere. I hope you stand your ground, because the conduct will get worse, if you don't. Even with this pattern you have a salvageable marriage with some work. Don't give up because all marriages have things that are worth fighting for. You just need to get backin touch with what brought you together in the first place.

Women win arguments better with honey than vinegar. A nice dinner and some sweetness and then you say your piece not as "You do this or that as "I feel you have no respect for me when you follow me into my personal space to get the last word." I find you have such a need to beat me down you don't allow me to digest the probelm on my own terms." Something along that line.

Maybe he watches the baby a time of two, so you can go for a walk and get some private time, as a bubble bath with no interruptions.
Good luck.

jan2012 2nd February 2012 11:08 AM

Re: brink of seperation
thank you so so much for your thoughtful replies and support. i really do appreciate it. i have come back home from my parents, and he has persuaded me saying he really does love me so much and wants to change. he says he knows he has issues and is willing to go to his own individual counselling as well to sort them out. we've talked about his behaviour (following me, ranting etc) and he knows its unacceptable - we talked about this in counselling. he really does want to change. i really hope he can change. i think this behaviour was probably learnt at home as his mum really is lovely, but if she is annoyed about something she will rant and rave and yell and have no ability to remain calm.
so the counselling did go well, we both brought up stuff - the counsellor thought it was important that i got some me time - unfortunately he doesn't have much time at all so my mum might help out a couple of hours with that. his schedule really is heavy. but we will get there. another thing is the baby has recently started refusing a bottle at night which gave me some sleep, so i am bfing all the time and it is so draining. i hope we get through this - peoples prayers are seeing me through right now as i seem to be coping - things seem so different and hopeful than they did last week, i am trying to keep close to the Lord. please keep talking to me, as i really need it - in church noone talks about marriages and there is no marriage support from pastors or anything there wasn't even pre marriage guidance! thanks also its so encouraging to hear how others have come through this.

MC123 2nd February 2012 11:56 AM

Re: brink of seperation
Jan 2012

1aokgal is so right. I disrespected my husband big time and didn't even realise i was hurting him until he gave me the wake up call I needed. I am in IC and also brought up this was the way my parents were when they argued - ranting and raving. Up until this point I knew my behaviour was unaceptable but I continued as I did not see the consequences until he gave me the ILYB speeech and sought affirmation else where. H has told me he feels very similar to what you described and though he loves me could not bear this to go on any longer. We are beginning to turn this around by changing my behaviours. I too am praying and will add you in my prayers. It takes a lot of patient, understanding and time. There is always hope if both partners are willing to work at it. In one week, I have recognised lots of small but positive progress. This encourages me and wants me to show H even more that I do truly love him rather than being this angry, agressive controlling person he has seen me to be.

1aokgal 2nd February 2012 08:22 PM

Re: brink of seperation

We can't change another so the first step is to change a situation is to get the other person to realize there is a problem. Then we each take personal responsibility to alter behavior when we get in that danger area. I think the "time out habit" is a good one when two people hit that danger area where things get heated.

Even..the delay. " I think you are right, we do need to discuss this. This is a bad time for me right now, because....(whatever.) Do you mind if we sit down after the dishes are done and talk about it?" Delay gets the huffy person calmed down and things go better. Arguing just gets nowhere.

That intimidation of standing in anothers' face, kills all the nice areas between the couple. It just can't be allowed. It seems to be learned behavior, which borders on hysteria, that someone won't listen to them without that behavior. Maybe there has to be more validation that you are listening.

This is where "mirroring" listening, is good. He says something...you repeat it to show you heard him. "Oh, you would prefer to go to your mothers on saturday, instead of tomorrow? " He says yes, that is what he means. Then you respond to the subject. The mirroring tells the other person you accept the communication. That is better than to be told," You never listen to me."

Just never give up and work out the issues. Who ever said living with another person would be easy!! (Of course, if it was a woman, it would be easy.) We are rational, intelligent creatures which some men are not!

jan2012 4th February 2012 10:27 AM

Re: brink of seperation
i have realised and learnt a lot from this thread - thanks guys! MC i am glad you are working out things in your marriage and wish you all the best its so good that you can realise these things and its good to hear it from your perspective and the struggle that it is for you. its so sad that you learnt this from your parents... i have this little baby and the worst thing would be if she picked up on my or my husbands bad habits and behaviours. there is no time like the present to focus on becoming like the lord jesus!
well things have went better so far this week - and things have been very stressful with the baby yet we have managed a bit better but i know it is going to take much time and patience. the mirroring listening is an excellent idea. i have been given 'fair fighting rules' by the counsellor for us to read and that is in them along with other good ideas along with the delay you mention - if things get heated to be able to decide another time to re start the 'fight' when we have both cooled off. and also if one is the heavyweight (such as my husband - he almost double my weight!) then there is a compromise to be agreed upon such as i get to stand and he sits or i get to use a louder tone than him or something like that which we agree upon together for 'fights'. this will help with the intimidation thing greatly.
the one room with a lock is the bathroom and manys a time ive hidden in it!
i am trusting for better times. the main problem right now is that my hubby never has any time. the counsellor has told him that he needs to be working less and he is going to try and sort it out a bit. he is working every weekend and late a lot of nights - tonight he gets in at 7 - when ive been minding the baby all day my head ends up fried and i just want to retreat so we don't spend much time together at all. then when we do its so pressurised to make it worthwhile that it ends up going pearshaped!
i admire every single person who has come through a separation.

Raymond 4th February 2012 10:08 PM

Re: brink of seperation
He's doing too much in anyone's book and his marriage is suffering.

Nobody ever said on their deathbed I wish I had spent more time at the office.

jan2012 5th February 2012 09:04 PM

Re: brink of seperation
the problem is he is studying full time and also working...he says it is to give us a better future - which i understand....but it is still do hard. he keeps saying though that he is going to work less hours and work it out with his boss..but its always after things have reached a head - that happened yesterday again so he is speaking to boss to cut down his hours now so he has one day off a week.

jan2012 5th February 2012 09:04 PM

Re: brink of seperation
Raymond that is a very good way of looking at it! i wish he could see it from that point of view

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