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-   -   Should I say yes? (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8074)

freegirl 8th January 2012 01:42 PM

Should I say yes?
I'm in a very confusing situation and need some serious advise. A friend recently proposed to me. I haven't know him very long but our parents have known each other and they set us up. He is a kind, humble, healthy, has a good career and has a good character. The only problem is that I'm not at all physically attracted to him and he's a lot older than me. I had pictured marrying someone I would be physically attracted to. We do have a reasonably good conversation but I also consider myself an easy person to chat with so starting a good conversation with someone is not difficult for me. I'm not sure if the lack of attraction and age gap will create a problem in the future if we get married (I'm in my late 20s just for the record). The other fear I have is that I haven't been able to get into any serious relationship in the past years and I'm worried if I say no to him I might not find someone better and end up single for the rest of my life like many women that I do know.

1aokgal 8th January 2012 04:25 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
Dear Free...

Welcome here. You say you are an intelligent girl with a good family who cares about you. You are concerned that you have been unable to establish a serious relationship to this point.Your parents set you up with a much older man, and you like him (as a friend), although you have known him only a short time. It seems he might "do to marry" even though you are not physically attracted to him.

What to do? DO NOT consider to marry this much older man! You are just in your 20's. That is not good enough for a lifetime committment for a woman in ANY culture in todays' world. I think your parents must exercise strong control over you (so this is culteral, and the country where you live) that you consider to "please them" by marrying this man? You will regret that all your life.

You say you are "Freegirl", than be FREE to further your education as best you can, to be educated and have a career to support yourself. Be FREE to meet one day a man about your own age. You will know him from the beginning as you will feel attracted to him and want to make that life committment. Listen, do you want to have marital sex and children by a much older man you barely like? Maybe he is wealthy and secure, and that is a "good " match for you according to your parents. That is not good enough reason to bring children into the world with a man you will barely want to touch you! Be glad you are free to see more of the world and find out who you are. Be glad you can explore your spirituality and find out what God has as your purpose.

Don't think about yourself. Get involved in helping others through some charity or church or other activity. Give of yourself, and help someone besides yourself. Go on a great adventure with friends, as a trip somewhere, to learn more about the world and other cultures. Reach beyond yourself and the world will welcome your strength, intelligence, and ability. Develop yourself by reaching out. When the time is right to love,your soulmate will find you. That is how the Universe works. Ask for Spiritual guidance and Angels will guide you in a right direction.

Thank your parents for their concern for you. Tell them you know they want your best interests, but in this case, you must select your own life. You don't want to spend your life in regret for a mistake made. You don't want to be always angry at parents who push you in a wrong direction, because they think they know better. That happened to me. I spent many years trying to undo that mistake and find my way to love and happiness.

You are a free girl! That is a WONDERFUL thing to be. Your lfe will be full and rich if you seek your right path. Don't settle for a match, just to marry, because you are insecure and think that is right for your parents. I wish you great happiness.
Thoni do OKtents pre

chosen 8th January 2012 04:55 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
I agree with iaokjal
Dont even consider marrying him. You are still so young and to marry a man just because you are worried that you may not meet anyone else would be a disaster and also very unfair to him. There needs to be some chemistry between you and the man you marry, and a big age difference can cause lots of problems also, especially when you are older, and you are still only middle aged and he is an old man. Just imagine having sex with a man who you arent attracted to? Just imagine how you woud feel if a man married you just because he felt he may not be able to find anyone 'better?'
Also you clearly dont know this man anything like well enough to consider marriage.

I have three children of your sort of age(mine are aged 33, 31 and 26), and my son, the oldest, didnt meet his wife till he was 30, and my older daughter didnt meet her fiance till she was 30 either, so you have plenty of time, and being in an unhappy marriage isnt better than being unmarried. I am also good friends with 2 couples who meet and married each other in their late 30's and they are both so happy, one of them is expecting their first child. The other has now been married for 20 years.

I dont know where you are from but are you independant from your parents? Do you live away from them and have your own life? Do you have friends and go out and meet others of your own age?

Tell this poor man that you like him as a friend but that isnt enough to marry him. How much older than you is he?

freegirl 8th January 2012 09:11 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
Thank you 1aokgal and chosen for your replies. I really appreciate your input. This man is 10 years older than me and I have gone out with him a few times. Every time we have gone out he has been a complete gentleman and we've had good conversation but i haven't felt any chemistry or sparks. Overall he is a good person and probably that's why I've even bothered giving his proposal a 2nd thought. Although I am concerned that if I'm not attracted to him one bit our marriage will not survive. Can attraction develop over time especially if he's good to me and has a good personality? Most people say looks don't matter. Is that really true? Also if I say yes to him then that automatically closes the doors to all other possibilities of more compatible men.

The reason I'm even thinking of this proposal is that I personally know many beautiful and successful women that are now in their 30s and still haven't found a suitable partner. Most of them started seriously looking for someone around the same age as me. I'm constantly reminded that if I become too fussy or too career-oriented I'll become too old and will have a difficult time finding someone and, I'm actually starting to believe it a bit considering all the successful single women I know!! I really don't want to spend my life lonely.

I'm a professional and have done my 1st degree. Currently I'm not living independently as I'm still very young in my career so can't afford to. However I did want to move for my masters degree. By moving I mean moving countries but again there is a lot of uncertainty in terms of being alone with no family support incase of anything, making new friends and ofcourse finding a potential life partner. My friend circle is quite small and when I do go out I seem to keep meeting the same people over and over. However when I do meet new people they always have very significant difference in personal and spiritual beliefs which makes them 'undateable.' So there is a shortage of good men lol. I've also tried online dating with absolutely no success so gave up on that. I am involved in charity work and haven't met anyone yet. So basically I'm at a bit of a dead-end :(.

chosen 8th January 2012 10:13 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
freegirl I met my husband on line on a Christian dating site, but it did take 2 years so you do need to be patient.
Yes you are right in that many women today put so much time and effort into careers that they can miss the boat, when they suddenly realise they are well into their 30's and have no one and they are wanting to have a family, but it sounds as if you are sensible and are aware that that can happen. Its sad whan thay does happen and many of them do go on to regret that, but you are still young yet, and have plenty of time.
Is there any reason why the man has asked you to marry him so quickly? I mean asking you to marry him after only a few dates is far too soon in my opinion. Maybe if you arent sure you can go out with him for a much longer time, and see if anything grows.
I dont think that looks are everything, but there does needs to be a 'connection' and a feeling of being on the same 'wavelength' I feel.

My husband isnt really the normal physical type that I had previously gone for(he is tall and slim and I had always previously liked the more stocky rugby player type) but immediatly I felt that chemistry and I liked him in every way. I am sure that sometimes this can grow over time, but he will need to give you time to see if that does happen. I suppose he is more aware of time passing because he is nearly 40, but you seem not to know each other well at all, and if you are going abroard how will that work?

Maybe you can suggest to him that it is far too soon to know as yet, so can you just take it slowly, but never marry a man just because of fear that you will not meet anyone else.

1aokgal 8th January 2012 10:44 PM

Re: Should I say yes?

You really are not FREE. It is all about hooking up with a man...any man, to fullfil your "wholeness" as a person. Marriages are entered now later than in former years because forever is a LONG time. Since we live longer, the selection of a partner needs to be made on many levels from sociological, spiritual, physical and like ideas about many things and then most base marriage on love...not on getting along with someone. You seem not free when you are so unsure that you can find another, and you are only 20's.

Marriage without love is like prostitution. You get amenities a man can secure, if he is older and set. You bring youth and sexuality to one who is slowing down. That means in exchange for you, there might be some security. The commodity is exchanged for the stability of the mans' name. Younger women marry men for security as you think to do here. A younger wife might be an "armpiece" for an older man with means.

Maybe you fear to be free as a woman with independent movement for your personal liability and decisons? How will you feel to exchange your most intimate functions, as a woman, with a virtual stranger you know slightly? What happenes if his sexual tastes are kinky and unnatural, as you say you "don't know him more than an acquaintance?" You can't know that about a man until you know him deeply or intimately, who he really can be. One day you might wake up in bondage in a marriage that is distasteful and unhappy. You consider making a terrible choice here!

Time will give you wisdom and bring love, if you are not desperate and seeking. Men shy away from women who seem needy. Those who look for a mans' paycheck or lack security in themselves. Many cultures bind women to believe marriage is the only way to live, and that is not true. I found love when I stopped thinking about it. I relaxed and didn't date for a time and had fun with male friends and wasn't seeking. I chose to go with friends, as several friends both male, female, on canoe trips, backpacking and outdoor activities. I joined an outdoor group who went on trips and outings. It was such a nice way to see more of the area on group events.

I met my husband at a party where I sat with a group and danced with whom I pleased. I left when I chose and didn't hook up. If I had a date that night, then, we would never have met. He liked my independence and the fact I wasn't that eager to date anyone. I was secure enough to feel there are men available...no shortage there.

You need to develop some confidence as you seem to be in situation where women are not encouraged to develop their own abilities. That is why taking a trip out of your comfort zone would give you more focus about your life. I took painting trips to other places and met people of other cultures. My husband is German. Think carefully about that decision with this man, you will so regret that. I could never consider sex with a man I wasn't really crazy about. I think you would find that repugnant.

freegirl 9th January 2012 09:00 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
The reason he proposed so soon is because we were set up with the purpose of marriage at the back of our mind. From the way he was talking to me it also seemed that I have the qualities he is looking for in a life partner but that's not the case for me. Sure he does have a lot of qualities that I want but I'm not sure if that's good enough to marry him especially considering he doesn't fall in my age bracket. Also if I marry him it might affect my career because he lives in a different city and that would mean I'd have to quit my job to be with him and start looking for something new.

I'm travelling out of country in the middle of the year for a holiday so I'll probably take your advise and try and make the most of it. Maybe I'll also join an outdoor club. I know of one in my city that does outdoor sports...i'll probably even make new friends. This might sound like an odd question but do you have any suggestions of other ways to meet more people. I live in a rather boring city that doesn't have many youth-oriented activities. It's a typical 'business-like' city and many people socialize at night clubs which I'm not very big on. The social clubs that I know of also have a lot older people than myself so might not be too fun.

chosen 9th January 2012 11:05 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
A good lively church is a great way to make friends, but I dont know your faith of course.

1aokgal 9th January 2012 05:21 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
Dear freegirl...

People are always interested in others with many interests. Why? They are interesting!
I am active with an art gallery here and there are many functions where prosperous people interact. They have sons, brothers and acquaintances of your age. I love the outdoor groups and they are in most cities. In my area there is the Appalachian Trail Club here. It has mostly men from mid 20's thru 60's and some active women, who usually go as a group, to canoe, hike, etc. The club owns a cabin in the moutains a day away. There are always opportunities to go weekends to various outdoor trips or camp as group up there.

There are many such clubs. One of my young clients was on a steady man pursuit. She was extremely unhappy, unfocused on herself, and intent she had to get a man in her life. I urged her to "get a life," develop her interests and stop the pursuit and have great fun. I predicted that the right man would find her. She joined the Civil Air Patrol. This is a civilian group of volunteers who fly or serve as flight crews to patrol for the lost and they operate flight or search mercy missions. She packs boxes, goes as crew on missions, and does all kind of flights and meetings to learn skills to assist where there is a disaster. She works weekdays, but has a flexible schedule, so has done many needed missions. She signed up at the local college and took course of interest. She says her time sheet is full. She is now engaged to a man on a the flight crew and he owns his own small plane. She says most of the guys are hardy, outdoor types and many professions as medical EMT, firefighters and in med school. Professional, interesting men and a few really wealthy young guys who have flying passion. Develop an interest and you become more interesting.

The CAP have get togethers. When they do things, as pack boxes fo disaster delivery, it is a time of camaraderie. A great idea and she is a changed person.

There are many such groups. You did not say where you are located UK or Us or? I went on canoe trips, moutain climbing, backpacking and camping. There are also groups who go on horseback to midwest . Some own a horse, as my sister, and some rent mounts and it is a social club. I have a metal detector and play around with it summers. There are treasure search clubs who go to interesting sites and camp as a group. Some go to the pay mines or gold fields with these. Some beach hunt. There are Scuba clubs. I got my daughter, when she was 18, to take diving lessons. She went on several diving boat excursions where they dive off certain sites. She had a lot of fun and they were all young people involved. Her lessons were under $200 and gear is rented or you buy it. She still enjoys to go in summer. She belongs now to a 4-wheel club and bought a jeep, to go beat it up on the moutains, with her club. They are all over the US, these clubs. I have friends who are in a canoe club.

Museums have social groups, churches have single groups and social events. The world is your oyster as you are FREE! Don't be so eager to hook up but write your "bucket list" of things you want to do in your life. Then go do them.

I took a parachute jump at 55 with a girl friend, 30, with a group that meets weekends at the airport in the next city. They go on jumps, and a few own small planes and some take flying lessons there. These are interesting people! My brother took his flying lessons there. I went because I dared to do it. My husband was gone for a few months and darn if he didn't come home early just that day. He wanted me not to go. He was VERY upset with me on this one. He thought I might kill or injure myself. We had a mini-argument on this one. My friend came from out of town to go with me, so she was already here and the plan made. It was on MY bucket list to make a parachute jump from a plane! It was a tandem jump so pretty safe. (I survived.)

I think my husband gets red in the face when we talk about this one! Anyway there are many interests you might have that you meet others. Be active, and seek others to do things. I have a trained Schutzhund show dog. There is group meets every saturday to work with their dogs. They are many young military guys and outdoor men as police officers. I'd say a good place for a woman to mix and have fun. They meet first at the local coffee shop and then go out to work with the dogs.

I was 7.5 years a staff officer in the Coast Guard Auxilairy. We did SAR missions on the Chesapeake bay and I was captain of my boat w/rescue crews. It is a large group and many single and military trained or like boating. Many (like me )own boats. Most work other jobs and active only on weekends. The group in all ages. This is in the US. I have since retired but still go with a boating group in summer.

Wherever you are, there are interests for you to find others. That is a fertile place to meet someone who will see you as an active, confident person and feel you have a lot to offer.
Art groups, photography groups, spiritual interst groups, etc. You think too narrow.... when the world is open for you. Some young people join the Peace corps for 2 years, and see the world, do good things and give back with their talents. They also are paid. What a great idea!

Good luck, freegirl. Love to be who you are now and develop yourself!

Raymond 9th January 2012 05:54 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
All this reminds me of the girl I used to know before I got married. We were very close and thought alike. I mentioned marriage but had no real chemical attraction. More a platonic relationship I think. We were too alike I suppose. I am so glad that I backed out and ended up with the one I was meant to marry where there was a chemical attraction and still is. I think you need that at the start. One cannot explain it but it has to be there I feel. Of course one should use their head as well but not at the expense of a chemical attraction. I nearly got married out of fear of being left on the shelf I suppose. Bad motivation to start married life.

chosen 9th January 2012 09:58 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
My husband actually said that he married his first wife because he thought she was the right one, and that he really really wanted to get married. He asked her after 3 weeks, they had to marry in just a few months because her visa would have run out(she had a 6 months visa), and they were never suited and he was never happy with her. It was actually the best thing that happened to him when she met another man after 23 years and divorced him.Set him free from a prison, even if it was painful at the time.

1aokgal 10th January 2012 03:56 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
A chemical attraction! Who can explain that one? We do know that we are generally drawn to people who have interests, similar to our own. We do know in about 10 minutes whether there is that attraction or not. We know there is a chemical rush from across a room. There is that"love at first sight thing." That is unexplainable but happens before all the known factors about the other person.

That is the chemical thing and what draws us to another.
I heard it is about chemical pheromones that bring us to another.

Raymond, we know you could never be left on the shelf. The wise thing is to pass on a "lukewarm" feeling about someone and move forward (with intelligence), if the feeling has fire. THAT is chemical. I don't mean lust but respect, conversations that never end, and the desire to know more about that interesting person. That is when love begins.

Raymond 10th January 2012 08:38 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
The rush across the room hasn't always work for me as it was nor reciprocated. When it was there it was not overwhelming as it was coming from her mainly but there was a peace and enough chemical attraction to build on.

chosen 10th January 2012 08:56 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
My initial attraction to my husband was through what he wrote on the internet dating site, firstly on his profile and then on emails to me. Just by his profile and what he had written on it, I knew he was special and that I REALLY wanted to meet him. By the time that we spoke on the phone (after 2 days) I was 90% sure he was the one, and by the time we met (after 4 days) I was 100% sure. Seems mad maybe but I just knew. Also I didnt see his photo till after we spoke on the phone. However we didnt rush into anything, and didnt get engaged for 7 months, and during that time we spend loads of time together. 7 years now since we met, and 6 since we married, and we have never looked back.

Raymond 10th January 2012 12:51 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
Quite amazing really.

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