Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

Raymond....

I could say almost with a certainty you are right on with this conclusion about these sexless marriages. These men are getting their needs met...alone. When and where the MB becomes everything who can say. It is simple, convenient and without emotional committment.

I never met a man in my life except the one I married with this compulsion.

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

It took a lot of courage for you to say that OKGal. I know it wasn't easy for you. I wouldn't say it is the reason for every sexless marriage, but I suspect it is in the background of a lot of cases.

If that is the case he will be feeding it with a lot of fantasy in his head (assuming he doesn't use pornography) energised by seducing spirits. It is not a purely physical thing. Sex is always spiritual and always affects our spirits for good or evil. Why else would God make such strict laws about it. He had this habit long before he met you and seems to prefer it than being free.

I know that he is a nice and considerate man in other respects, but that doesn't solve the basic problem. The only hope I see is for him to get right with God about it (This is the christian part of the site) and then avail himself of the help which can only be found in Christ.

Raymond

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

He is in denial. He believes in nothing more than himself. read latest posting..we had a situation. Yes, I know he had an earlier relationship that ended over a confrontation about sex. He swears his love for me. Yes, I think he cares but he has no concept anymore of a healthy marriage.

I post too often. I must take a vacation from posting and go to the gym. Hope you are well.
You are a nice man and add a lot of common sense here.

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

Have a break OKGal. I did for quite a few weeks if you noticed. Some things you have to get away from and let settle before you see clearly again.

Raymond

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

I wouldn't necessarily blame the sin of a spouse refusing sex on masturbation or he or she "having their needs met alone."

It may be a mental or spiritual problem.

My wife of 11 years has been refusing me regularly the last 5 or so, with only "occaisional" lovemaking. Boy does that hurt.

I'm certainly not "getting my needs met" anywhere else, though of course temptations arise.

I have found this site to be of assistance in this area:

http://www.themarriagebed.com/boards/index.php

Register and then you can visit the Sexual Refusal section. That subforum isn't open to non registered viewers.

Best wishes to all of you experiencing this problem or abnormality or perversion.

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

Raymond, respectfully, I highly doubt this is the case in most refusals.

There of course are some cases like that, as the husband spending inordinate hours late at night on the computer looking at naked women.

Of course I MB regularly, maybe more than I would like. What other option or outlet do I have?

I sleep next to my wife but aren't allowed to caress her or go any further, except for maye a couple times a year.

--

Read the TMB forum or even the Sexless Marriage forum. http://p079.ezboard.com/fsexlessmarriagefrm2

It seems some spouses don't take their marriage vows seriously, and have physically abandoned their mates.

Any time their mates (male or increasingly female) "beg" or try to "persuade" their spouses to participate in lovemaking, they're rejected.

It's like their spouses have closed off that part of their liife and now sex isn't anything important to them anymore.

They of course came to this decision on their own, never bothering to consult with their "partner" about the new relationship of being "mere roomates."

This isn't supposed to happen in marriage, and was something I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be experiencing 11 years later.

Interesting how those not afflicted with the sickness can easily jump to conclusions.

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

Don, you will note that I said sometimes this is the case and only when the man is refusing sex. Simply one avenue for a woman to check.

As you are the man and your wife is refusing you I very much doubt that that is her problem.

Your wife is not honouring her vows but could have problems from the past perhaps. You need to work through these things together apart from the sex. There are many cases of husbands who kept loving their wives to the point of sexually awakening their wives. I'm sure she feels deep down that she is failing you, but you do need expert christian counseling if she is willing and of course keep praying.

Raymond

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

Raymond...
I believe you hit the nail on the head. Know or not know will change nothing. He operates on the fuel of two under the roof who co-exist well and chooses to tell me often in th early AM as he leaves the house..how much he loves me. It is in my half awake state so that is like a dream. The rest is just a nightmare and the calendar pages keep falling.
It is too late and too late to mend the damage done. It does not seem to matter as the days pass and I can't remember passion or the time there was love. It is dim memory.

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

You have been through a lot of suffering OKGal and yet there are a lot of bright patches in your life as well. In the end when all is said and done it's who we are that counts not necessarily what we do. You have to be the best person you can be in the circumstances and not go under with it, as some seem to be doing. I like the scripture that says All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I'm sure that includes your circumstances. You can only start from where you are. There are many other like you whom I see that you are a great comfort to on these threads. You all have created a kind of fellowship together. We can only change the things we can change and ask God for strength to live with the things we cannot change, although even these things are not impossible to Him.

God bless
Raymond

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

Dear Raymond...

Thank you again for your sweet and caring nature on the threads. Just awhile ago my husband got a phone call from Germany. His father has taken a turn for the worse. He may have only a few days to live. His cancer was found a few weeks ago and chemo used but too late, it seems. I really knew this when I heard it.

Sad, my husband being the elder son.... with a job he can't leave without a replacement and thousands of miles too far between there and US. I told thim there is no shame that he can't be there with his dad. He will try to call him again in the morning. The rest of his family is there as brother and sister who live there.

I could only tell him that that there is a time for all seasons as the bible says." a time to live and a time to die." That if he can truly beleive our loved ones never leave us and always are there close by in Spirit. That the reward is there for his father for the good life he lived. It reminded me when you speak about my situation here what a good man I married and of strong character and ethical and decent.

He has been a blessing for me in many ways. Sometimes the problem in the marriage has crushed my spirit yet I don't want to reject the love he does give me. I respect him for caring for me in other ways. I know there are many men who hide the money they earn or spend it at the bar. My husband has always been giving and generous as well as he is always willing to help in the home from cooking to windows.

When I was in the hospital and really ill he came before 5AM, before work to sit with me in the dark of the room to reassure me and let me know he loved me. He sat late into the evening with me before he left to go home. He carried in things that would please me and told me childrens' bedtime stories as , "Jack and the Beanstalk" with impressive character voices. Sometimes I try to tell others here to look for the love and not let anger bar the door to a what relationship we have with the person we vowed to love.

Thanks for reminding me the walk of faith is not easy but there are many rewards.

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

Dear Don62...

Welcome to the forum. Your posting is interesting to hear the male viewpoint.

Sorry for your unhappiness. Most of us who have a spouse who has chosen to live within themselves develop coping skills. We are happy in the other areas of our lives. The options available are to leave, find another to create a semi-world or live with the rejection. There are good days and bad days.

A bad day can start when you open your eyes and nothing has changed and you feel as though your purpose in life has been stolen. It is hard to live as a vegetable. I am still a woman who loves pretty clothes, shoes and perfume and checks the mirror. Men compliment me for the efforts I make to be attractive.

He compliments me as well but does not value me as a woman. If he did he would not risk losing me. He just knows I will be here. It takes a lot of effort to keep from becoming bitter. I did a lot of reading as it seems you have done. There is no one answer except a partner has become selfish.

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

Your husband seems a man of very good character OKGal but an enigma as well. Not the type to withold physical love from his wife. I wonder if he was brought up a very good Catholic and somehow got the idea that sex was dirty or selfish. I spent quite a few years in convents and it is easy to get that idea in that enviorment. A model pupil would have more difficulty I would think.

You are wise in seeing the glass half full instead of half empty and counting you blessings. That is a great strength. Who knows whether your love for your husband will heal him in that area in the end? I assume at the beginning that it wasn't the case? In cases where there was never any sex the marriage is said not to be consumated and legal seperation was possible without a divorce, but lets not go backwards as he very much loves you and you him.

If he is a very moral man you could appeal to him through the scriptures which are very clear on not defrauding each other of sex if you are married. I know you have given up but I never do I am afraid.

Keep smiling. enjoy what you do have.

Raymond

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

Dear Raymond...

Thank you for your input. Yes, my husband is an enigma. I don't doubt his devotion to me but I wonder sometimes if he lives on the planet? I cannot fathom that he thinks he is a good husband. Through these years we had fiery discussions, arguments, and went the gamut of all things that should work to revitalize the dead part of the marriage. Or at least, I tried. It is no longer important to me to guess his dysfunction or rationale. That is his problem. Mine, is to survive.
I am not the quiet reserved type. I bought a boat when he was months overseas at his sea job there and pilot it quite well. I took Flamenco dancing a few year back and loved the clothing and dancing. There is the dramatic sensuality of the dance. I felt really alive and happy. My passion now is to make and wear Victorian clothing to special events. I will be dressed in a magnificent ballgown on Saturday for a formal Victorian dinner event . He will wear a frockcoat and top hat as he chose to join me in this fantasy land. Now I wish I was going alone. Somehow I don't want to sparkle for him anymore. So boring, I am NOT.

Then, there are times I cannot hold it together when I think that half the marriage has been in celibacy not of my choosing. His is the unilateral decision to have no sex in the marriage. I feel as a Pariah in society and a deceiver who is married...but is not married. Too many years alone inside my skin makes one feel like a freak of nature. There is a perceived deformity in me which is enormous ..even though it cannot be seen from the outside. It has scarred me on the inside. It is hard for me to be in gatherings of people.
In December, this will be the 14th year of this hell. I think he even mentioned to me in a discussion how ten years ago I jogged regular, really toned and was so svelte that men were following me around. Yes, that was true. If he was so bothered by that why didn't he alter the scenario?
I still love beautiful clothes, heels and my perfumes. I am still woman..I think.

I told him the other day that my best friend and her husband go on "date night" Wednesday as dinner, dancing and sex after as part of their 30 year marriage. My friend is horrified at the information I shared with her awhile after we met. I reinforced the sexual part of that story of their night to him. Says he.."Well we should do that. " I did not reply as was on the tip of my tongue," I would believe that when the sky starts to fall." I have heard all the mouth service before..for years. "I am leaving for work overseas for 6 months, when I get back I will go see a doctor, get counselling, have sex...yada, yada, yada.
The truth is the damage to my self esteem is so severe I think I would curl up in a corner at the first movement toward me. We kiss on the cheek, on the mouth like a buddy when you leave ..the peck on the mouth. I think I am biding time to die sometime. Now that I do have a serious health problem the inner loneliness is worse. I hate to realize that the marriage will never change and I am beyond approach now as I might recoil.

I have thought to begin Samba lessons or dance classes again. He often works overnights and next year will be gone for perhaps 6 months. What do you think? Maybe I should just get out again, wear my pretty clothes and let him to his own devices.

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

1aokgal, thanks for your support and kind words.
I was lashing out (more of venting) but not against the good people here on this board.
I'm as frustrated as you, unfortunately.

It's like she all the sudden, perhaps 5 years ago, decided sexual intimacy wasn't important to her anymore. So we have it maybe 2-3 times a year, much less than I would desire. I would prefer it 2-3 times a week, but would be happy with just weekly.

Other things in our relationship appear to be okay, though.

So it seems both sexes are gulity of this horrible sin.

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 

You sound all real woman to me OKGal. It does affect your self esteem because of human weakness but it is not the truth and you need to see it that way.

I will leave you two to talk things through.

Raymond