Platonic Friendship

[Unregistered]

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[Dave]

Of course it's possible.

I have many friendships, some very deep, and all of them platonic. In fact, as a happily married man, all my friendships are platonic - it's only my relationship with my wife that is a sexual one!!

There are also an increasing number of young people, both here and in the US (http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/msg02167.html) who are realising that abstinence before they are married is the best way to lay strong foundations for a truly deep and lasting relationship.

So I'd say there are lot's of reasons, and lots of people, who believe that it is not only possible, but also highly desirable to have deep platonic relationships, and if that is what you are fighting for, then hang in there, and don't let peer pressure push you into believing you can't do it.

Dave

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[Unregistered]

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[Sierra]

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[Helen]

I beg to differ. Yes, it does happen. I have a few male friends, married, who I would never dream of looking at as anything other than friends. I know they view me in the same way. I have one friend that I have had lunch and coffee with once a week for the last 2 years - and he has NEVER made a move on me. And vice versa. We enjoy each other's company without the complication of sex, etc., encroaching on the relationship. So I have to disagree. People are never categorised as easily as you make out. Friendships are complicated and, just as you have men who view women as potential mates, you have men who are happily settled elsewhere who view women as potential friends.

[Sierra]

You wanna bet?

It may not have happened yet, but if the airport opens I absolutely guarantee they will try and land.

When you say they have never made a move on you its really just that they haven't done it YET.

There is no such thing as male / female freindship in a platonic sense.

D

[Helen]

We will have to agree to disagree, won't we? I refuse to become so cynical that I view all men as animals. It's a very sad way to go through life. I will repeat: I have male friends who do not make a move on me. These men love their wives. Many are Christians and are involved in their church. These men value our friendship far too much to risk losing mine by making overtures - no matter how they might feel privately.

And the airport is as good as open - I am separated pending a divorce from my husband and we have been estranged for many months. All that I have had from these male friends is support. Nothing sexual - not even close.

I would bet good money any time that they will **never** make a move on me.

[poppy]

Unregistered guest - why did you ask the question?

[Sierra]

I suppose there is a window of possibility when men and women get old, but that would probably be based more on mutual dependency that friendship. My not its can't happen theme is designed to apply mostly to people who are young.

I still think it hold true regardless of age, but the elderly may face issues that overrride the sexual tone (you hold my walker, I'll push your wheelchair up the ramp).

I'll bet the guy is STILL thinking about it though.

D

[poppy]

Sierra I must be an old cynic too, like you. It is very rare for a man/woman relationship to be purely platonic, even if both parties believe it to be. Underneath there is always a basis of attraction often on the part of only one of the people involved. That they feel those feelings are not returned is what keeps the relationship platonic. It's human nature. Just don't get drunk together!

[Sierra]

I agree poppy. Everyone thinks I'm a neanderthal, but the hunter hunts as close to home as possible.

What possible reason would there be "just friends" with a woman? Most guys I know are friends at arms length. Why would I pretend to be more with a person I had even less in common with?

I have never had a female friend that I did not want to sleep with and eventually slept with all of them. I don't mean that in a bad way, its jsut the way it is. I approached girls I found attractive. I wanted to be "friends" with girls I found interesting or exciting. Perhaps we danced good a clubs, maybe I liked thier sassy personalities or just wanted to be seen with them. Regardless there was always a sexual tension. There were no stuffy fat girls with whom I shared a great love of literature and nothing else.

D

[poppy]

But not now you're married to the love of your life, eh Sierra?

[Sierra]

Yep. And I have no female friends. Anything I feel compelled to share with a woman I will share with my beautiful wife. I think it would be strange and inappropriate to cultivate a friendship with another woman.

D

[jellybelly]

I have to agree with Sierra. I have tried to have platonic relationships with men, and they eventually try to turn it into 'something else'. I even kept one friendship over the phone and through emails and his wife saw an email and accused me of having an affair with him! So how do you people have relationships with the opposite sex, go out for lunch excetera and not have your spouses get jeolous?

Helen, Are these men that you have a platonic friendship with, are they involved with anyone?

[Sierra]

It works because in many cases men and women are not on equal footing in a marriage. Either they don't know about his "friend" or are unable to stop it.

D

[myrna]

i totally agree with you!there is no such thing.the only male friend ive ever been able to keep as a friend is gay..:)

[jellybean28]

i totally agree with you!there is no such thing.the only male friend ive ever been able to keep as a friend is gay..:)

Agreed!
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[Ageing Grace]

I'm with Jellybean on this!

The important word here is "respect" I feel. People who are incapable of seeing someone of the opposite sex for the person they are, over and above their gender, don't really respect people of the opposite sex.

It's like those people who enact gender-related bullying at work. They never really get why what they've done is wrong ... because they don't see their victims as people like them.

One theory says that only people who have opposite-sex siblings can handle opposite-sex friendships. I wonder if it's true?

[Raymond]

Could have a point there. (who re-opened this thread?).

Christians are encouraged to treat women in the church as sisters. If one can do that there is no problem and it works all the time in my church. If one cannot do that as a married man then there is trouble. I met on Tuesday night with six women because no men turned up. It is an unwritten rule they they are treated as sisters.

It is quite normal to occasionally get a hug from the opposite sex and vice versa. This is often in front of my wife and she knows the spirit it is done in, so it is never questioned.

When one is meeting for fellowship about twice a week the relationship has to be on some basis and as sisters or brothers it does work. Of course if someone is single they may fall in love with the opposite sex but most would expect that to lead to marriage if the feelings were reciprocated.

So yes I have lots of platonic relationships with the opposite sex but if I am alone with them I obviously have to be specially careful. I find that married woman are more open in their hugs, being secure in their married relationship. The singles hold back a bit which is understandable.

Raymond

[Dave]

Erm - maybe I'm missing something here, but all my relationships, with the singular exception of my relationship with my wife, are platonic! I have loads of friends of both genders, and have no desire/intention of having a sexual relationship with any of them!

Dave

[Ageing Grace]

Yes, Dave, it does seem obvious ... although not, judging by the number of times the 'issue' comes up here, to half the members of this forum!

I don't see why touches, hugs and kisses between friends should seem threatening to so many. It's a pity, they're missing out on half of what life has to offer.

AG

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[Raymond]

Yes hugs are needed by lots of people but when impurity enters in it can't really happen in the best sense. Yes sex is good but between husband and wife only.

A couple of years ago there was a woman in our church who lost her husband. I often prayed for her. Once I said to her I feel like putting my arms around you. Her answer was go on then, so I did in front of a small group. It was the right thing at the right time. A one off, but I believe it spoke to her and conveyed what I wanted it to.

Raymond

[jellybean28]

What a lovely story Raymond.

While I was still married a male friend hugged me in a very open way at my Fathers funeral and I found more comfort in his hug than I would have found in his words.

[spiderman]

I have aquaintences with females but if I strike up a friendship with a woman, I fancy her and want it to go further.....the majority of males think along the same lines believe me...sorry if some of you choose not to believe that but its true.

When my wife and I were together I would not take up a friendship with another woman full stop.....unfortunately she didnt feel or do the same and I became jealous and did everything I could to discourage these friendships, so these friendships eventually lead to the breakdown of my marriage (along with other issues).

Lee

[Ageing Grace]

Yeah, but, Lee, you're not a slave to your 'urges' are you?

I think it's pretty normal to feel like that about a friend sometimes - the point is, when you value your friendships you simply don't go there. It's back to respect. If you respect your friends - and your partner - you have appropriate relationships with them.

As Jellybean mentioned, people might do or say the wrong thing now and again (usually when drunk and emotional!) but it's easy enough to put that right.

From what you said above, it seems you don't trust yourself or anybody else. That's sad, and it must make you lonely. I hope you manage to ease up & learn to like people a little better before too long :)

AG

[Raymond]

AG is absolutely right. You have to speak for yourself Spiderman, not the rest of us men.

I aim for sex = wife, nobody else.

Raymond

[spiderman]

I hear what you are both saying but ive asked around my workplace and other friends and most think the same as me im afraid...so going by AG's theory my workplace is filled with sad lonely people (most of whom are married BTW) !!!!!!!

Raymond im sorry to say from my perspective and backing it up with my findings from asking an awful lot of people you are in a very small minority sad as it may seem ?

AG I am a little sad and lonely at the mo due to trust issues with my Ex, but im sure I will get thro this and come out stronger the other side !

Lee

[jellybean28]

Tell me Spiderman

"I have aquaintences with females but if I strike up a friendship with a woman, I fancy her and want it to go further"

Does this mean that if you don't fancy a women you can't be friends with her?

We can all have urges when we see someone we fancy, you just have to be mature when dealing with them, or we start to become sleezy b@#%@3ds, who no one particulary wants to befriend.

[Raymond]

I agree. We all have to live with self discipline. That is part of character and part of faithfulness to ones wife.

I may be in a minority Spiderman but that doesn't make me wrong.

Raymond

[spiderman]

Raymond I didnt say you were wrong at all in fact I applaud you...fair play all I am saying is the MAJORITY of blokes would eventually want more...not saying they would do anything about it at all !

Maybe im a saddo nobody wants to befriend then ?

Lee

[Dave]

What do we actually mean by "Platonic Relationship?"

Wikipedia has "Platonic love, in its modern popular sense, is a non-sexual affectionate relationship.[1] A simple example of Platonic relationships is a deep, non-sexual friendship, not subject to gender pairings and including close relatives.

At the same time, this interpretation is a misunderstanding of the nature of the Platonic ideal of love which from its origin was that of a chaste but passionate love, based not on lack of erotic interest but on spiritual transmutation of the sex force, opening up vast expanses of subtler enjoyments than sex."

Most of my closer friendships with women acknowledge that each of us has a sexual side to our nature, and we seek to affirm the feminitinity/masculinity in each other - I may comment on how attractive she looks, her gentle nature etc - this is completely normal and natural, and certainly doesn't mean that either of us is seeking to leap into bed! So a platonic relationship, in a modern setting, seems to me to be one that acknowledges sexuality, but in an open and honest way, without the intention to allow the relationship to become intimate.

My intimate relationship with Liz, my wife, is a special place, reserved only for her. I make a point that in any relationship with any other woman I would be completely happy if Liz were there in the room, and indeed were able to read my mind (I suspect she can!!). That way I can keep all the other relationships in balance.

Dave

[Raymond]

What is spiritual transmutation of the sex force Dave?

Spiderman I didn't say you were sad.I was just putting my view. I think it rather cuts you out of having a platonic relationship with a woman though. It must be like having a relationship with a gay person in some instances. You never know what they are really thinking.

I agree with Dave here but that is probably not a secret.

Raymond

[spiderman]

Raymond you are right I think...I dont think it would be possible for me to have a platonic relationship with a woman....hmm that makes me feel sad and shallow.......and not very good about myself

[Raymond]

I think the question goes back to what one believes. I always kind of knew that sex outside marriage was somehow wrong. I still ended up in situations where I had sex though. After becoming a christian I was convinced beyond doubt that it was wrong and it never happened again until I was married. I am glad it went that way. I don't think my wife would ever have married someone who slept around.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

I have had a number of fine male friends. There was a sense of understanding the other and we could discuss most things except you don't get into really sexual disclosures. That is not a discussion you have with a friend of the opposite sex.

A hug, a peck on the cheek on greeting, departing is fine. A held hand for a moment, a pat on the back, shoulder is OK and nothing is taken as an intimate gesture. My male friends were guests on my boat occasionally. Sometimes we shared lunch or a dinner. I never invited a male friend into my home without another present but perhaps a time or two for short visit. Several times my great friendships had to include a statement of perimeter as, " I think of you as a really good friend."

I once told a male friend," Please don't fall in love with me because...." he showed up at a meeting of mine several times, with a cup of coffee in his hand for me or just to talk after the meeting. He was a widower and a fine man. it was becoming clear he felt more for me than I could allow. I did miss his company but he did start getting out as I urged him to do. He connected with a nice lady. We still keep in touch.

I think a friend of the opposite sex can be a great sounding board at times so long as one does not share info that is too personal.

[plato revised]

I think it is time that the platonic friendship debate concludes. Platonic relations can indeed occur between man and wife or a hetero man and a hetero woman, platonic love between a man and woman is as romantic as physical love (or lust as this can be called by some). Both are romantic loves or attractions. Between men and women it is a state of flirtation. Flirtation is not always sexual. Maybe to the immature mind it is. One must understand the balance that makes a relationship work. Ignorance will only cloud one's judgment and views. Platonic love does exist but it is widely misunderstood. Like sex, one can have multiple partners if one so chooses. Romance is a delicate balance of physical love and platonic love. Love based on merely sex is clearly not a mature love. The balance may vary but the romance is still there. Platonic love between a man and a woman vastly differs from platonic love between a parent and a child or platonic love between a human and it's pet(s). Boundaries between a man and a woman are very delicate. Humanity is imperfect. We are all responsible for our own actions, decisions and beliefs and values and therefore our own consequences as well. We all want different things. It is important to clarify what platonic love is between man and woman(hetero) and the importance of clarification. A happy and successful relationship can be defined by its balance of platonic and physical love. After all it may prove to be difficult to find happiness and a strong connection with your partner if that friendship is not there. I will not touch on boundaries. Life is boundless if one so chooses it to be. I will not touch on the difference between right and wrong either. People make mistakes, some learn from them, some don’t and some don’t want to. People will do as they please. As I have said above people want different things and value different things. My purpose here is to clarify what platonic love truly is. It is a beautiful thing when completely understood. People will define boundaries according to their values and personal moral. Rather than debate one must educate them selves and be honest with them selves. A closed mind is not a mind open to truth and wisdom. Truth and wisdom will bring one to true enlightenment and a clear peace of mind. Sometimes in life one has to explore to find answers. One must under stand that truth may be spoken and maybe unspoken, seen or unseen. Mistakes do happen. Some risks are worth taking and some are not worth taking. Propaganda and mis-information closes the minds of many. How can one evolve as a person with a closed mind and the acceptance of reality? How can one be true with a partner if they are not truthful with self?

Platonic (respectful) relationships are a great way to explore just what is attractive(other than the physical aspects) in the opposite sex and how one likes to be treated by the opposite sex. Like any other experience we learn from them. Platonic relationships are intimate emotionally for one or both people involved. It involves emotions between a man and a woman, sexual entities designed by or nature to be together. Platonic qualities are best described as qualities one may like to find in the member of the opposite sex other than physical sexual attributes. For this reason it is therefore a sexual relationship in development. Platonic relationships generally focus on the friendship and respect aspects of a relationship first. The relationship may or may not yet be determined but is clearly a relationship that is more than just friends. It involves a man and a woman (hetero) exploring what they like or love about each other being members of the opposite sex. Platonic partners find particular things they appreciate about each other being the opposite sex. Platonic friendships as they are called are a mature way of finding and/or “developing” a possible successful relationship. One partner may feel more than the other partner. The Platonic Idea is meant to bring a man and a woman closer together on the emotional level of our relationships with the opposite sex.

[lopez]

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[Raymond]

What is impossible Lopez?

Raymond