Affairs

[dreamer]

I am in the middle of yet another affair. I have a beautiful wife who will do anything for me. A wonderful child who I adore. Successful everthing going for me yet I have always needed a great deal of sex with other women. I get bored being with my wife for too long and wish I'd been man enough to tell her years ago.
I've fallen passionately in love with another woman yet wish I could have this in my marriage. The strong passionate side has been missing since about 4 months into our relationship. We have been together for 15 years - what can I do to stop this behaviour stop ruining so many lives, and build on the good bits of my marriage?

[macgyverbw]

Do you know much about the psychology of LOVE?

[Kate]

To introduce a more positive note, its good you're asking what you can do. Is this a matter of a sexual appetitie you can't control, a distorted view of what sex in marriage is all about or does it reflect some issues you need to sort out in your relationship?

First of all the only one who can control your sexual appetite is yourself. Men do sometimes struggle with strong physical needs of a sexual nature. If you easily get tempted then keep out of the way of situations that tempt you.

Have you tried talking to your wife about sex and how she feels about it? Have you tried telling her about your strong sexual needs rather than looking elsewhere? I don't suggest that you tell her you've had affairs. You are in danger of doing untold damage to your marriage if you go on like this.

There are some good books about the real purpose and value of sex (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthsex/) within marriage. Sex can be satisfying for both of you if it's focussed on being an expression of your love for each other. Is that how you see sex, or as a physical need you feel driven to satisfy?

Every marriage goes through stages of disillusionment. Are you disappointed with your marriage? It could be that the sexual issue hides other things you are unhappy about. Perhaps your marriage needs some encouragement and a pep up. You could try an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) together.

[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 24 April 2001).]

[Jeannieok]

Perhaps she's bored with you! Do you make your wife's love life interesting or is it only about what you get out of it? Try to understand her, care for her, make her feel special, and see sex as a way of showing her you love her. If you manage to have enough sexual partners, I should think sex would get boring because it's just an exercise for your pleasure, rather than part of your loving relationship with your wife. You don't have to jump into bed with other women, you know!

[dreamer]

Thanks Kate,

It's nice to get some constructive reasoning.
Yes I've got an immensely high and diverse sex drive but am simply not for my wife.
I don't want to stoop to the 'I love her but not in that way' type of argument.
I've got the problem. I like women. I used to want to sleep with any woman I met until i met my current love. Previously I had extra relationships whilst having affairs! I could handle that and was reasonable contented at home. I've now found a different kind of love to what I have ever experienced before and it completely disturbs me. Is it my time of life (40)?

[Kate]

Dear Dreamer,

Yes, you do seem to have a problem. When I look at what you have written, it does revolve around yourself and your needs. I don't hear very much concern for your wife. How do you think she would feel if she knew that your commitment to her didn't stretch as far as resisting the temptation to deceive her? How would you feel if you were in her shoes?

What have you done about getting help to understand your sexuality and get it under control? What does your marriage and your relationship with your wife mean to you? What sort of a husband would you really like to be?

Who's boss, you or your body? Lots of men have strong sex drives, but they can be satisfied within marriage. Are you absolutely sure you aren't just using your appetite for sex to avoid facing up to the commitment and work that are required to make a marriage work? It's that sort of commitment that brings the rewards in marriage and can lead to a brilliant sex life. Your present marriage can have that, too.

I'm not surprised your present marriage doesn't appear to have been flourishing if you've always been thinking that the grass looks greener over the fence. Why do you think your new relationship is going to go any better? If you haven't faced up to the issues within you, there are no guarantees that you will ever be able to make a commitment to anyone and stay faithful.

It's not a matter of age or circumstances. In the end it comes down to attitude and values. Whatever matters most to you as a person you'll go for..... What will it be, I wonder.

[dreamer]

I hate reading things I recognise in myself.

I'm very concerned about my wife, a truly honest wonderful person who I am extremely lucky to know. I just do not love her in the wy that I should. I've proved that time and again. People like her deserve a lot more than people like me.

My view on commitment, again, is a self centred one. I'm carrying out the promises that I made to always be here. You can't promise to love somebody for ever though can you?

I've not done anything about getting help to understand my sexuality and get it under control. To be honest I think that sex is hiding the unhappiness that I feel.

You sound like my wife when you talk about thinking that the grass looks greener over the fence.

My new relationship is different because of the fact that we are totally honest. She knows about my past and everything I've done - no secrets - the things which I thing have effectively destroyed my marriage.

You don't mention my child. I thing of marriage as a family institution and not something which stands on it's own. It's here where I feel I am making my commitment.

Perhap's my attitude and values stink - how do Ichange them?

[Kate]

"I hate reading things I recognise in myself.
I'm very concerned about my wife, a truly honest wonderful person who I am extremely lucky to know. I just do not love her in the wy that I should. I've proved that time and again. People like her deserve a lot more than people like me."

If you don't love her in the way you should then start doing so now - it's never too late. Love is not just about the way you feel - it's about the way you treat her, with respect, caring for her, considering her needs, putting yourself out for her, giving her all of you and not cheating on her. You say she deserves someone better than you, but she chose you - what she deserves is for you to treat her right and to love her actively, not just when you feel like it.

"My view on commitment, again, is a self centred one. I'm carrying out the promises that I made to always be here. You can't promise to love somebody for ever though can you?"

Yes your commitment is self-centred - aren't you really committed to yourself and avoiding what hurts? What promises did you make to her? Surely more than that you would be there. How about being there for her in the full sense of the word - gving all of yourself, not just the bits you want to. You can promise to love someone forever, if you understand love is about being comitted to trying to be the best for them always and wanting what's best for them. What you can't promise to do is to feel loving or get it right all the time. Think about your child, you would probably be likely to say you will always love your child. What's the difference? We tend to love our children even when it hurts, why can't we love our wives and husbands that way?

"I've not done anything about getting help to understand my sexuality and get it under control. To be honest I think that sex is hiding the unhappiness that I feel."

If that's what you think then go and get your self sorted out with some counselling - it's often easier identifying the problem than having the courage and determination to do something about it. No-one else can do it for you. If you enjoy sex, why not find out how to enjoy it with your wife in an open and loving relationship. I can personally recommend sex like that!

"You sound like my wife when you talk about thinking that the grass looks greener over the fence."

Perhaps she understands you better than you think...

"My new relationship is different because of the fact that we are totally honest. She knows about my past and everything I've done - no secrets - the things which I thing have effectively destroyed my marriage.

You haven't destroyed your marriage yet, but you will if you stay with your mistress. If you've finally discovered how to love, then doesn't your wife deserve that love. Put the past behind you and start loving her the way you've discovered, but don't go and tell her what you've been doing all these years. You have to bear that burden, it's not hers. Can you stick to your wife and be honest with her from now on?

"You don't mention my child. I thing of marriage as a family institution and not something which stands on it's own. It's here where I feel I am making my commitment."

I haven't mentioned your child, because a lot of folk in your situation will stay in a marriage for the sake of the children and for some it's an excuse not to sort out their relationship with their wife or husband. While that is good for the child, what about your wife. Can't you make your marriage work for the sake of your wife. If she deserves better than you've been giving her, then give her better. Give her yourself, whole-heartedly.

"Perhap's my attitude and values stink - how do Ichange them?"

Attitudes and values are even harder to change than behaviour. The best way is to see the values and attitudes for what they are. Admit to yourself that your attitudes and your selfishness "stink", if that's how you see them. Decide what values you would rather live by and start doing it. Perhaps you have a friend who you can ask in confidence to help your conscience - to challenge you when you're tempted to stray again. The friend I use is Jesus, he came specifically to help us deal with the way we are that "stinks", the selfishness, the lack of love and the mess in our lives. If you want to change and feel utterly helpless to do it on your own you can ask him to help you and he will.

A final thought - what you can do today to actively love your wife? Isn't she worth it?