Learning to trust again

[kel]

Can anyone tell me how I can learn to trust a man again? my husband cheated on me 4 times, last one was a friend of mine who he is now married to. I am now with a fantastic man that treats me like a princess and says he loves me like no-one before, I feel the same about him yet I can't trust him. Every time he goes out without me I think he's with another woman.He cheated on his wife with a woman he worked with, so I accuse him of doing the same now, even though I have no evidence. When he goes to the gym I think he's with someone else because this is what my ex did. My man gets so upset, even cries telling me how much he loves me, trying to get through to me but it doesn't reassure me.How do I learn to trust again?

[Kate]

It will take time to learn to trust again after being hurt badly, but you need to own your own difficulties here. It's not your new man's fault that you find it hard to trust, but your past experience and hurts, although his past behaviour is bound to worry you. Isn't it time to put the past behind you. Your husband acted very badly, let it go and face your new relationship with a clean sheet.

If you are going to talk to him about your struggle to trust, try and share with him how you feel (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsecond/feelings/) when he goes out. Are you anxious, afraid or what? Don't blame him for how you feel. Try telling him that you want to move on from this and ask for his help. Try and do more together and less separately for a while at least.

Ask yourself what would help. Would it help if he rang you occasionally? Are there things he can do to demonstrate his love for you? Tell him what those are, so he can build your confidence in his commitment to you. Try to build the trust in small steps. When he's been out on his own and you've felt peaceful about it, write it down somewhere and remind yourself of these times when you're struggling on other occasions. When he says he loves you and is being faithful, give him the gift of trusting him - it's risky, but if you want a future together you're going to have to try - remember trust is not necessarily a feeling it's a decision you can make despite your feelings.

Openness between you helps to, so try not to keep anything from him. The better you know each other, the more likely you are to believe him trustworthy.

Try to avoid blaming him for what is going on, and take responsibility for your fears. Try talking to him about what commitment means to both of you. Am I correct in assuming you are living together rather than married. So far you've committed your body to him, you're sharing a home, possbily made some fiancial commitments together, yet you are struggling to trust him. I suggest you do a bit of relationship building (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/), so that you have a good foundation on which to trust - communication, shared values, shared experiences and interests, friendship, common goals - all these are what makes a marriage work and gives you long term stability and happiness.

[Kel]

Hi Kate, thankyou for your advice, the thing is I try to trust him but he always seems so suspicious as if he's hiding something. I know for a fact he phones his ex-wife nearly every day, and when I confront him about it he denies it.The reason I know he phones is because I look on his mobile phone and see that he has. I can't tell him how I know, coz then he'll have a go at me for checking up on him.He gets in a mood with me if I speak to my ex when he's not around and he has assured me that he doesn't speak to his ex alone anymore coz he knows it upsets me, yet I check on his phone and he does still phone her.How can I trust him when he does this? My friends tell me to confront him, but I know he won't admit it, he'll just say there's something wrong with his phone or he'll go into one, start shouting, then he'll go storming off and eventually we'll start speaking again but he'll ignore the reason for the argument. I just don't know what to do.

[Kate]

It sounds as if you are both having trouble letting go of your ex-spouses, which is not surprising. Isn't it time for you both to recognise and acknowledge that you have a past that's part of your lives.

My husband had a very close relationship with a woman before we got married. She meant a great deal to him and he wanted to keep in touch when we got married. I felt insecure and unhappy about it, but I knew I couldn't change him. What did change was the commitment to each other and the depth of our marriage relationship. He still sees her 22 years on, but she's no longer any threat because I know he's whole-hearted for me. It hurt in the early years to think I had to share his affection with someone else, but I knew he had chosen and committed to me and we worked to keep things out in the open.

Living together you have little to base that trust in his commitment on, and 100% openness is probably the best place to start, while acknowledging the importance to each of you of your past marriage relationship. True intimacy in relationship is about being completely open and known by each other, not just physically, but intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Discovering who you trully are and sharing your life together can be a wonderful journey.

Ultimately trust can be seen as letting go on the right to control the other person. The person you trust is then free to choose to love you.