Unregistered
5th December 2002, 06:39 PM
Dear Kate,
Many thanks for your last posting.
Returning to the theme of my original heading "Marriage is it for life or just 18 months", again I would value your advice. Nothing much has changed since I last wrote. But I need to reply to a letter received from my solicitor and I would value some Christian and wise input. before so doing.
In a nutshell my wife's solicitor has been asking mine for me to pay the petition costs. It seems unfair for me to do so when I do not wish to be divorced and the reasons stated on the petition are, to my mind (but not of course necessarily to that of my wife), normal day to day experience of two normal people going through a bad time.
My solicitor gave me 3 options. 1. Just to accept the petition and pay costs. 2. Accept it but ask for costs not to be awarded against me. 3. Defend the petition and put in an answer.
He advised the 3rd option and this we did.
He triumphantly writes back now that "the other side" will withdraw their claim for costs if I drop defending the petition. His "strong recommendation" is for me to drop defending the petition.
Strong recommendation seems solicitor speak for "You would be mad not to"
So some little man in a dingy office is playing politics between my wife and I.. He has no interest in preserving the integrity and the sanctity of marriage. All he seems to want to do is protect me in a financial way and to his mind saving petition cost is a great victory. It could well pale into insignificance when considered against the financial settlement that may need to be made
Everyone, I think yourself included, advises that to contest a petition for divorce is both costly and meaningless because if one side wishes to divorce, in the English courts inevitably that side gets its way. But my solicitor was advocating it until he got his little victory and my feeling is that anything to prolong the liturgy of divorce may in fact give my wife time to focus more on the wider issues.
So I have to decide about defending the petition (everything tells me to do this) or submit to accepting unreasonable behaviour on the flimsiest of grounds and allow something that I do not want to happen, occur. You suggested in a previous posting, that "There is perhaps a level where you might consider letting go and that is by placing her in God's hands and accepting that if she wants to be free then the most loving thing you can do is to allow her to be free."
It all depends on whether my wife is really doing this on her own free will. or whether she has no free choice of how she is thinking at the moment as a result of events that took place way back in her childhood. In other words do I treat her as being a person in control of herself now or somebody out of control that will get "better". Hence the marraige vows " in sickness and in ......" Surely if one is in control one can at least talk to the other person who has shared the most important things in life so recently .
Am I saving her from herself or am I just trying to defend the petition to justify my own ends. This comes back to the theme of this correspondence - marriage. Is it for ever or just 18 months?
I have to say that whilst I have talked with countless people, your advice seems to me sound, considered and so accurate. I was sorry to read in your last message of the grief you yourself had to suffer before it all came good.
I have recntly written a letter to my wife -I was on a sporting tour and one of the member's wives happened to mention that she worked in the same local hospital department - again asking for her at least to consider mediation but she appears either to be in total denial of everything associated with me or is being advised to have no communication with me, or a combination or possibly guilt.
I do not expect you to give legal advice but it would be good to hear your comments as to where I am coming from and indeed going to.
Best wishes
Ricardo.
Many thanks for your last posting.
Returning to the theme of my original heading "Marriage is it for life or just 18 months", again I would value your advice. Nothing much has changed since I last wrote. But I need to reply to a letter received from my solicitor and I would value some Christian and wise input. before so doing.
In a nutshell my wife's solicitor has been asking mine for me to pay the petition costs. It seems unfair for me to do so when I do not wish to be divorced and the reasons stated on the petition are, to my mind (but not of course necessarily to that of my wife), normal day to day experience of two normal people going through a bad time.
My solicitor gave me 3 options. 1. Just to accept the petition and pay costs. 2. Accept it but ask for costs not to be awarded against me. 3. Defend the petition and put in an answer.
He advised the 3rd option and this we did.
He triumphantly writes back now that "the other side" will withdraw their claim for costs if I drop defending the petition. His "strong recommendation" is for me to drop defending the petition.
Strong recommendation seems solicitor speak for "You would be mad not to"
So some little man in a dingy office is playing politics between my wife and I.. He has no interest in preserving the integrity and the sanctity of marriage. All he seems to want to do is protect me in a financial way and to his mind saving petition cost is a great victory. It could well pale into insignificance when considered against the financial settlement that may need to be made
Everyone, I think yourself included, advises that to contest a petition for divorce is both costly and meaningless because if one side wishes to divorce, in the English courts inevitably that side gets its way. But my solicitor was advocating it until he got his little victory and my feeling is that anything to prolong the liturgy of divorce may in fact give my wife time to focus more on the wider issues.
So I have to decide about defending the petition (everything tells me to do this) or submit to accepting unreasonable behaviour on the flimsiest of grounds and allow something that I do not want to happen, occur. You suggested in a previous posting, that "There is perhaps a level where you might consider letting go and that is by placing her in God's hands and accepting that if she wants to be free then the most loving thing you can do is to allow her to be free."
It all depends on whether my wife is really doing this on her own free will. or whether she has no free choice of how she is thinking at the moment as a result of events that took place way back in her childhood. In other words do I treat her as being a person in control of herself now or somebody out of control that will get "better". Hence the marraige vows " in sickness and in ......" Surely if one is in control one can at least talk to the other person who has shared the most important things in life so recently .
Am I saving her from herself or am I just trying to defend the petition to justify my own ends. This comes back to the theme of this correspondence - marriage. Is it for ever or just 18 months?
I have to say that whilst I have talked with countless people, your advice seems to me sound, considered and so accurate. I was sorry to read in your last message of the grief you yourself had to suffer before it all came good.
I have recntly written a letter to my wife -I was on a sporting tour and one of the member's wives happened to mention that she worked in the same local hospital department - again asking for her at least to consider mediation but she appears either to be in total denial of everything associated with me or is being advised to have no communication with me, or a combination or possibly guilt.
I do not expect you to give legal advice but it would be good to hear your comments as to where I am coming from and indeed going to.
Best wishes
Ricardo.