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CONFUSED
26th April 2001, 09:38 PM
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND FOR 6 YEARS, AND WE HAVE 2 WONDERFUL CHILDREN. THERE IS AN AGE-DIFFERENCE OF 7 YEARS BETWEEN US, AND UNTIL NOW THIS HAS NEVER BEEN A PROBLEM.
EVERYTHING IN OUR MARRIAGE WAS ROSY (OR SO I THOUGHT), UNTIL LITTLE UNDER A MONTH AGO HE SAT ME DOWN AND SAID THAT HE 'DIDN'T THINK HE LOVED ME ANYMORE'.
BECAUSE THIS WAS SOMETHING 'OUT OF THE BLUE', AND BECAUSE NOTHING HAD SEEMED WRONG, I THOUGHT THAT MY WHOLE WORLD HAD COME TO AN END.
AFTER 2 DAYS OF CONTINUOUS CRYING, I DECIDED THAT I MUST PULL MYSELF TOGETHER, FOR THE SAKE OF MYSELF AND MY CHILDREN, AND DECIDED THAT THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD REMAIN UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T KNOW IF THEY STILL LOVED ME OR NOT - SO I LET HIM GO. HE ASSUMED THAT HE COULD SAY WHAT HE HAD SAID, AND STILL REMAIN IN THE SAME HOUSE AS ME.
HE HAS NOW GOT A FLAT OF HIS OWN, AND THE CHILDREN SEE HIM REGULARLY.
WE ARE ALSO GOING TO SEE A COUNSELLOR, TO SEE IF WE CAN SAVE WHAT WE HAVE GOT.
HE TELLS ME THAT I AM HIS BEST FRIEND, THAT HE LOVES BEING AROUND ME AND THAT HE MISSES ME DREADFULLY, WHICH IS ONLY CONFUSING ME EVEN MORE.
BEING SOMEONES BEST FRIEND IS I BELIEVE THE FIRM BASIS OF LOVE - BUT OBVIOUSLY MY HUSBAND DOESN'T THINK SO.
WHAT DO OTHER PEOPLE THINK COULD BE GOING ON IN HIS HEAD?

Kate
26th April 2001, 11:52 PM
Dear Confused,

I wonder if he is going on his feelings alone. Many people these days seem to think love is about warm, romantic feelings, so when things get a bit dull or our expectations or marriage or each other are disappointed, we think we've fallen out of love. As you say friendship is a very key part of love, a good foundation for a marriage. Love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/loveis/) is really about a lot more that those warm fuzzy feelings. It's about commitment, wanting the best for the other person, it's sometimes about deciding to act lovingly even when we're hurting or not feeling very positive.

Lots of marriages go through that sort of disillusionment stage when their expectations suddenly meet with reality, but it's not the end, it's more a door you have to go through to find real closeness based on accepting and loving each other as you are.

It may be that since you've had to concentrate your attention so much on the children that he may have felt left out. It's hard for some fathers to adjust to "sharing" their wives with the children and the wives can get too taken up with the children and have little left over for the husband. It's not particularly anyone's fault - it just happens, but you can talk it through.

The counselling may well help and if that goes well and you're looking to build together on the good things which i'm sure you have in your relationship, I suggest an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html), like Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/),which will build your openness and communication.

I know it's come as a shock, but if you really want things to work out then perhaps you need to be patient. It may have taken a lot of courage for him to tell you about his doubts about his feelings for you, and now that is leading you both to do something about it, so why not give him a chance and accept that all of us can get a bit mixed up at times.



[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 26 April 2001).]

confused
27th April 2001, 04:11 PM
Thankyou Kate, you have only confirmed what I suppose I already new. He is only 25, whereas I am coming up for 32, and at 25 my idea of love was one very similar to his - fireworks, heart and flowers, butterflies in the tummy, etc etc.
I am giving him the time to understand his own feelings - which was the reason I felt that he should leave, and be on his own for a while. I am hoping that the counselling will point us both in the right direction, but if it doesn't, and things don't work out, at least we can both look back and say that we tried to make things work, with no regrets having not tried.
You made a lot of sense Kate, and I have been reading many of your replies to other topics. Are you some sort of counsellor yourself? Because if you are not - then you should be!
I will keep you posted on how the counselling is going. And thankyou for such a prompt reply - I really needed it.


Originally posted by Kate:
Dear Confused,

I wonder if he is going on his feelings alone. Many people these days seem to think love is about warm, romantic feelings, so when things get a bit dull or our expectations or marriage or each other are disappointed, we think we've fallen out of love. As you say friendship is a very key part of love, a good foundation for a marriage. Love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/loveis/) is really about a lot more that those warm fuzzy feelings. It's about commitment, wanting the best for the other person, it's sometimes about deciding to act lovingly even when we're hurting or not feeling very positive.

Lots of marriages go through that sort of disillusionment stage when their expectations suddenly meet with reality, but it's not the end, it's more a door you have to go through to find real closeness based on accepting and loving each other as you are.

It may be that since you've had to concentrate your attention so much on the children that he may have felt left out. It's hard for some fathers to adjust to "sharing" their wives with the children and the wives can get too taken up with the children and have little left over for the husband. It's not particularly anyone's fault - it just happens, but you can talk it through.

The counselling may well help and if that goes well and you're looking to build together on the good things which i'm sure you have in your relationship, I suggest an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html), like Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/),which will build your openness and communication.

I know it's come as a shock, but if you really want things to work out then perhaps you need to be patient. It may have taken a lot of courage for him to tell you about his doubts about his feelings for you, and now that is leading you both to do something about it, so why not give him a chance and accept that all of us can get a bit mixed up at times.

[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 26 April 2001).]