Should we stay together

[Heart_of_lions]

Hi,

My wife and I are recovering from an affair that she was having. We have both went to marriage councelling, and are both reading the book After the Affair (which is helping).
The problem I need help with is:
I have realized the problems I caused that led up to her infidelity and I have been working very hard to make it up to her. The problem is that she doesn't seem to be putting as much effort into the recovery as I would think she should.
It is starting to feel like I am the one that had the affair. I am very lost now. i have gotten almost every book out there to help and understand this mess. like I said before I have realized that I am responsible for her straying and have been making it up to here every day with actions and things that can change the way I mad her feel. i just think that she wants to move on with things like nothing happened, whilke I am being torn up inside.
Would it be better to seperate until we can work this out? Even though I will be constantly affraid of what she is doing or if she is being faithful.
Advice would be very helpful at this point.

[Kate]

I'm not familiar with the book you are reading, but what you are experiencing is something that others have commented on. Peggy Vaughan in her article Common Patterns in Dealing with an Affair (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/patternaffair.html) lists one of them as the person who has had the affair wanting to put it behind them. They often fidn it very hard to face up to the effect of their actions on their spouse adn to face anmd accept the pain that ahs resulted. Most of us when faced by pain that we have caused want to make things right and when we can't, we try to shut it out. Have you had a look at some of the articles in that section of the site (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/)?

I am sure you are eager to do all that is needed to put things right and to recover the happiness you once had. You are both different people and your response to what has happened will be very different.

What is it that is tearing you up inside? Is it a sense of guilt that if only you had behaved differently in the past it would never have happened? Do you need reassurance that your wife really does care for you? Are you feeling insecure because she seems to want to put it in the past as if nothing has happened? Would it help to go alone to a counsellor to help you sort out what is going on inside you adn to help you come to tersm with what has happened?

Another issue that comes up towards the end of your posting is the issue of trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/). This is something you may also have to think about and talk to your wife about.

I'm sure that if you have changed what you think was detrimental to your marriage then you will see the fruit of this in the end, but one thing that comes over strongly from all the articles and books we have on the site is that it takes far longer then most couples realise to recover from the effects of an affair. I'm not sure separating would solve any problems. Sadly often the best way forward is through the pain.

I do hope you can find a way to talk things though with your wife and to deal with those issues that you yourself need to face.

With best wishes

Kate