i'm lost

[mlreed]

My husband and i are married now for nearly 8yrs and have a 7 year old son.We had an honest talk 2 nights ago because i know there is a problem somehow. He admitted admiring a woman member in the tennis club where he works as a tennis coach and he said that nothing more than having coffee together is happening and besides the woman probably doesn't fancy him anyway and that she is married ,and i can't help but ask what if she does fancy him and is not married, he said he still won't do it and the only way he will have an affair is if he feels strongly about a woman. He also admitted that although he loves me he is not in love with me at the moment, that he doesn't feel like he can't wait to see me. I asked him what does he really wants and he said he needs space and that's why hegoes to the gym even on ou day-off together which is only 1 day a week and watches football in his friends house whenever there is a football match. He works till 9:00pm sometimes and when there is a football match he stays and comes home at 11:00. He said he is not really interested in football but it is his social life. I suggested trial separation but he said there nowhere for me or for him to go if we do and that he also likes to save our marriage obviously one big reason is our child. H e admits that although he adores our son, he hasn't got patience and lot of interest in him. I appreciate his honesty but i feel so hurt and i feel like leaving him. He is nice to me again, but although we both agreed to save our marriage i can't get it out of my mind that we might just prolong our break. I somehow resent him and although I am hurting at the thought of a break up, i am very unsure of his feelings for me and i hate the thought of him staying with me only because of my son and our circumstances. I would really like him to be true to himself and to me. The last thing i need is for him feeling sorry for me. I'm so lost. Pls. someone help me clear up my mind

[Liz]

What you are experiencing is not at all uncommon. Most married couples enter marriage with high expectations and don't know how to handle these expectations. At some point into the marriage they become aware of disappointments and disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/). It's so easy at this point to turn to other activites and other relationships to sooth the pain of disappointment, but that isn't the answer. It is a key time to really work at your marriage, and to begin to accept that you are neither married to the perfect partner, nor are the perfect partner yourself, but it doesn't have to be the end. It's actually the doorway through to a strong and fulfilling marriage based on reality, openness and acceptance.

When we hit this stage we were recommended a Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/) weekend, which took us through the disillusionment and helped us to build something strong and lasting. Why not have a look at the list of marriage enrichment events (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html) coming up. I'm not encouraging you to go on one because you've got problems, but because every marriage including yours deserves encouragement.

You talk about being in love and feelings. The quality of your love and your marriage shoudn't be judged by your feelings, they simply tell you what is going on inside you and whether your emotional needs are being met. They are a barometer for you, but not a reason for saying it's all over. You are bound to be feeling hurt by what your husband is saying, but at least you are beginning to be open with each other and can recognise the value of doing domething to strengthen your marriage before you drift into leading separate lives.

I suggest you have a look at soem of the topics in Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/), and try and find it in your heart to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/) your husband, accept the challenge and try to move forward together!