forgiveness

[Unregistered]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and have 3 children 4,2 and 1 month. In the past 10 months we have been through hell... including an unplanned pregnancy,depression ( for me), and about a million arguements over everything from money to fidelity. During all my outrageous behavior he has stayed with me and sometimes things seem to be going great. Other times he seems so angry and resentful of the things that have happened that the slightest wrong comment by me can send him over the edge. I understand his anger and I believe I do need to earn his truat again after the lies and other things that I have done but sometimes I feel he over reacts. I would like to have him forgive me for things but it almost seems impossible. He says he needs time but I feel my self esteem drop everytime he gets angry. He says the most cruel hateful things and it makes me feel like a horrible person that deserves to be treated badly. Help!!! I love him and when we are getting along he makes me feel like the most special person in the world. The anger, resentment and unwillingness or inability to forgive me is killing us though.

[Kate]

It doesn't sound as if you are really resolving any of the issues. First of all do you both know what is really involved in asking and giving forgiveness? Are you willing to acknowledge the hurt that you have each caused the other, forgive and put it behind you. Might I suggest that you have a look at the Basic Relationship Skills (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) section. About a dozen links down are a series of articles on Anger, Feelings, Forgiveness, Constructive conflict and Trust. They might begin to help you to see what you might do to help the situation and they might be worth sharing with your husband. You may need to go through the process of asking for forgiveness again, acknowledging what you've done wrong, but not being a doormat. Your husband needs to understand what it means to forgive you, letting go and not trying to exact revenge. He too needs to ask for your forgiveness. Neither of you will find it easy, you may still feel hurt and unhappy, for a while but if you can both choose to try and live out the forgiveness, then it will become more of a reality in your lives.

I think what often happens when one spouse has been badly hurt say by infidelity, they want to forgive, but the hurt keeps rising up inside them leaving them feeling angry and even vindictive. It is a constant battle to live out the forgiveness they have chosen rather than something that happens and is then over and done with. Perhaps your husband needs to be able to say to you, "I'm remembering what happened. It hurts and I feel angry inside." and for you to accept that is where he is and give him the space to deal with that. You don't have to make him feel better, you just have to accept, along with the pain inside you, that you have hurt him and there will be consequences which you can't wipe away or pretend don't exist, and go on calmly loving him.

I hope the articles help

best wishes

Kate

[Unregistered]

I read the articles Kate and they were full of great information. How do I get my husband to read them without him thinking that I am "telling him what to do"?

[Kate]

Hi,

It's the spirit behind how you approach him that's important. Try to think of this as both of you seeking a way forward together, rather than you trying to change him or his behaviour. Michele Weiner-Davis has an interesting article (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/whyme/) on this subject.

You can print them out or show him on the internet, but I would suggest that you approach it from the angle that you have found something really helpful that has given you a new way of looking at things and you want to share it with him so he understands where you are coming from. Could you also tell him that you know you have made lots of mistakes and you want to own them and find a way forward together.

All the best

Kate