to stay married or not.....

[Whichwaynow?]

I'm male and in my mid-twenties, married to someone for four years. My relationship with my wife has become one of just friendship, sex is non-existent and there is little physical contact between us. She even seems uncomfortable kissing.
I am at a stage in my life and career where things are beginning to open up for me. I want to travel, be independent and develop new interests and meet new people.I feel too young sometimes to be married and dream of a way out. I would not want to hurt my wife, she is a very special person but I don't feel that she is the person I want to spend the rest of my days with.
When we married we were both quite needy and insecure and I think we rushed into things.
I don't know what to do about this mess..please help.

[Kate]

You made a commitment to each other when you married. No marriage is straight forward, but the joy and happiness comes through working through the difficulties. Perhaps your wife would like to travel too. You can meet new people together and have fun exploring new places.

If you think your relationship has become stale, what are you doing to pep it up? Perhaps valentine's Day is an opportunity to tell your wife how special she is and give that frinedship of yours a romantic boost (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=111).Disappointment and disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) are very common in the early years of marriage, but it doesn't have to be the end. Relationships and marriages don't just happen, they need to be built. Have you thought of trying a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html)? How well do you communicate with each other. Have you talked to your wife about how you are both feeling about each other and your marriage?

Often your physical relationship reflects or is a barometer of the rest of your relationship. If you're not working on communication, on caring for and valuing each other emotionally, then your wife may well not be interested in a physical relationship. Many women need to feel special and cared for before they can relax and make love. Your wife may be aware subconsciously that your heart is not in the relationship.

Walking away, thinking it will be better next time is kidding yourself. It will be painful and you may well regret it. Your wife will certainly be hurt. You say you were both needy and insecure when you got married and rushed into it. Has that changed over the four years you have been married? We all have emotional needs and they are the things that draw us into relationship. If your needs aren't being met in the relationship, what makes you think that an exciting career will solve anything? Do you really understand what love is all about and the commitment you made on your wedding day?

I really encourage you to have a look at some of the articles (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthcommit/) on the site and think about what you can do, to turn your marriage into something special.


[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 13 February 2001).]

[maybe...]

Originally posted by Whichwaynow?:
I'm male and in my mid-twenties, married to someone for four years. My relationship with my wife has become one of just friendship, sex is non-existent and there is little physical contact between us. She even seems uncomfortable kissing.
I am at a stage in my life and career where things are beginning to open up for me. I want to travel, be independent and develop new interests and meet new people.I feel too young sometimes to be married and dream of a way out. I would not want to hurt my wife, she is a very special person but I don't feel that she is the person I want to spend the rest of my days with.
When we married we were both quite needy and insecure and I think we rushed into things.
I don't know what to do about this mess..please help.

Have you even tried to think about what maybe your wife of four years is feeling? Do you think that maybe she has tried to tell you many times about the way that she feels and go no response from you. Maybe she has told you many times and you still seem to think that she should change for you so you can be happy. But what about her? It is possible that she maybe feeling the same way that you are. I am guessing that she is young to. Do you think that she may feel a little scared and different if most people her age are not married. But have to remember that if she didn't love you she wouldn't have married you in the first place. I think that maybe this feeling of you being young and wanting to take advantage of that will pass and you should think about what you have before you possibly hurt her so bad that there is no taking back. Talk to her, lay it all out on the table, but realize that she does love you. She may have some insecurities that she needs to deal with, and maybe she has come to you about them, did you try to understand where she was coming from. Something that may seem so simple to you could be the biggest challenge for another. Remember, don't do anything that you may regret later. Tell her the truth. And definatly to try to act like the tough person and threaten divorce upon her to try to get her to change. You married her for who she was before you asked her to change...so why do you want her to change now. Just talk to her maybe she is ready to talk to you and really open her heart up more, if you are willing to understand.

[Jim]

Sounds to me like you are beeing too selfish.