Internet infidelity

[Unregistered]

We have been married for 21 years and have 3 children; this and my strong Christian beliefs have given me a desire to work at restoring our relationship. My husband has a problem with Internet porn, and I have discovered that he has registered with Personal dating/chat sites. This happened when a response was delivered to our email address. On top of this all, I have also found sms messages on his cell from another woman. I have spoken to him and he denies it all. He seems to think it is funny and takes no notice of my questions. These problems have been going on for some time and I do not know what more to do. The effort it takes to work at our relationship is totally one sided and is proving futile. The worst thing is that my children recently caught him browsing a porn site for which he apologized to all of us for. The email and sms messages have come to light since the apology. I don't know what to do anymore. He does not seem to be concerned at all about my discoveries. I am finding it difficult to go on living in this environment. He is also a Christian actively involved in the church music group. Please could you suggest something??

[Liz]

It does sound as if your husband may be caught up in an addiction and has not faced up to the fact. It's very hard especially for a Christian to admit a problem like this and to seek help. It often seems better to them to cope with it on their own and to deny and cover it up. You might like to look at the Focus on the Family site (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=69) which deals with these issues. There is also a section of our site (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) with other resources.

Your husband is in a very key position spiritually in the church and so is very vulnerable to temptation. Is there anyone in your church that you can talk to in confidence? You might consider first telling your husband that, unless he is willing to face up to what is happening and seek help, that you are going to seek help for yourself from church.

I can sense anger and betrayal in what you write - am I correct? Although you are being hurt by this, can you find it in your heart to view him with compassion too. He will need your love and forgiveness and support if it turns out that he does have a problem. If there are other unresolved hurts between you, then do seek help for your whole relationship.

Prayer is a very powerful weapon, but remember that God often challenges and changes us through prayer as well as the one we are praying for.

Liz

[baringstraits]

Buy your husband the book: "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Artteburn (sp?)

Pornography is addicting, and it is progressive for most men. Go to the link:
http://www.protectkids.com/effects/...ofaddiction.htm
and understand the problem better.

Porn is dangerous and destructive and it WILL destroy your marriage IF YOU ALLOW IT! DON'T!!! Do whatever it takes--and I mean WHATEVER--to get your husband off porn and sex talk with other women. He doesn't need it--he's just addicted. But he won't get off it by himself and you are going to have to stand up for what is right when he cannot. Be willing to go to whatever lengths it takes to get him away from this addiction.

You have a duty to yourself and to your children to provide a warm, nurturing SAFE environment. If your husband refuses to listen, then you have to do something-you may have to take the children and leave or tell him to leave--even better! You MUST take a stand because what he is doing is ADULTERY--plain and simple. He is lusting after other women. Would you put up with it, if instead of porn, he was going to prostitutes? Would you put up with it if he had decided to sexually abuse the children? This is no different as far as the impact on your lives! Please don't stand for it. You have power if only to leave or have him leave! USe it!

Please get professional help!
Call 1 800-NewLIfe for Christian counseling and get him to an Every Man's Battle workshop (look at Newlife.com for info).


Jane

[Enpassant]

Don't think the courts will think that the use of pornography is a good reason for wife to be upset to kick husband out and deny access to the kids.

This is the root of the problem! If guys knew they couldn't get away with it then things would change radically.

So Wife you have the most difficult situation on your hands. You have not the support of the state but fear not, GOD is with you. Call on your husband to repent. Call on GOD to set you free from the sin in this situation. I pray and ask for you right now that GOD will deliver you from your troubles.

[Altered Heart]

Will he talk to you from his heart and tell you what is really going on with him?
Is he feeling old? Unattractive?
Do the chat & date sites excite him and make him feel young and attractive again?

I ask these things because I know first hand of the damage that can be done to families, and marriages by the behavior you are descibing that he is doing. If you have "caught" him doing a few things then trust me .. he is doing much , much more.
Try to have a sincere and open talk with him before it is too late.

[my fire is resting]

You may recommend to him the forum higher-calling.com

It's been a really wonderful resource for me and my own problems.

[robdee45]

Hello,
I too have been married for 21 years with 2 adult children. My husband is addicted as well. We've talked about it on numerous occassions. I even spent a night in a hotel to let him that I mean business about this issue. He is a pastor and really don't have anyone to confide in. I'm trying my best to help him but he's still lying about the issue. I know that divorce is not an option but I just feel so angry and I guess betrayed in some way. I'm feed up with him about this. I'm going to look into something to block the website since he's not being truthful about the whole thing. That really hurts!!!

[Raymond]

I find it absolutely incredible that he is doing this and he is a Pastor. Doesn't he know God in a personal way?

This is a terrible thing to hear not just for your marriage but for his church.

Raymond

[Married for Life]

Hey Unregistered,

You really do have to do something about this. As others have said your husband is addicted and this addiction will suck him into worsening activities.

His reaction towards you whenever you confront him concerns me. It seems as if he thinks he can continue without a reaction from you, as if he thinks he can continue and eventually you will just accept his actions. I would really recommend the book 'Love must be tough, New hope for families in crisis' by Dr. James Dobson. You have to be tough with your husband, but tough in a way that demonstrates your love for him. He needs to know that this can't continue and you are willing to do something about it, not because you are being hateful or spiteful but because you love him and you want to see your relationship with him and his relationship as a father to your children restored into something strong and healthy. In his book Dr. Dobson gives example after example of Christian couples in similar situations. Where a wife has humoured their husband and let him continue with his destructive behaviour the relationship has degenerated and eventually failed. Where a wife has challenged the husband's behaviour and been lovingly tough the relationship stands a good chance of survival and restoration. This is only a snippet from the book, get it and read it, understand the principle from it before acting.