Undecided future

[al]

My wife came home one night after meeting college friends for a dink and I knew something was wrong. Two weeks later I discovered that she was having an affair. I am heartbroken - we have only been married two and a half years but when she confessed she said that she had been unhappy for much of that time, yet she hadn't said anything to me. She says the the other man had asked her to move in with him and she had been tempted to leave me but just prior to me finding out, he had backed out of his offer. My wife is 10 years younger than me but we both seemed to have such a close emotional and physical relationship before that the age difference didn't seem to matter.

At the moment I believe that the affair is over permanently as I understand that the other man simply lied to her and told her what she wanted to hear and has since told her that he wants nothing to do with her. In some ways this seems worse than her leaving as I can't help thinking that because the other relationship didn't work out, getting back together with me is her next best option.

After the recent lies and excuses I can't believe a word she says - even when she says she loves me.

After such a short marriage where I seem to be the only one to have given things up and contributed to the marriage, I can't make up my mind whether it's best for us to part or stay together and try to make it work. I am so worried that this situation may recurr after a number of years with the added complication that we may have children at that time.

At the moment the weeks are dragging by and I just can't work out how I feel or what I should do- all I know is that I need to make a decision and get our lives moving forward again.

[Kate]

Dear Al,

It's not surprising you are hurt and finding it hard to trust your wife, but it is possible that she recognises she made a mistake. If she has stayed with you then she must want to make things work, but you can't just let things drift. If she has been unhappy before, then try and encourage her to share what she has been unhappy about. Sometimes we expect our husbands or wives to know just what we want without telling them. Similarly, we can take each other for granted and miss the signals that are coming over.

Try working on your communication and the basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) of your marriage. You might consider an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) to build up your marriage, or counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) if you consider there are deep seated problems rather than hurt resulting from misunderstanding.

Last of all, have you forgiven (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/forgive/) her. That's hard to do, but makes a big difference to your relationship. It means not holding things against her and not wanting revenge for the pain she has given you.
Don't give up, there is no reason why you can't move on from here together.

[al]

Thanks Kate.

Part of my problem is that I am uncertain why my wife wants to stay with me. When I confronted her about the other man, she said that he was divorcing his wife and had asked her to move in and live with him. She said she had been seriously considering this. When the other man found out that my wife had confessed to me and told me all the details - he withdrew his offer and told my wife that he no longer wanted anything to do with her.

I felt at the time that my wife was more upset at the failure of her new relationship, (this other man appears to have completely deceived her and had lied continuously to get what he wanted from her), than she is about the pain and hurt she has caused me. she also said that She'd only been caught having some fun.

After our confrontation over the affair she has been looking closely at her finances and has come to the conclusion that she will only just manage to support herself if we separate whereas if she stays she will be reasonably well off as my salary is almost double hers.

I think I can forgive her but she will not help in building trust. If I ask her a question such as where she's going and what time she'll be back she just says that I should just trust her. Most of the time I am only asking to show an interest in what she's doing and to know what time to expect her home.

When I try to talk about the circumstances leading up to the affair she just says that she doesn't want to go back over the past and just wants to look to the future and put it all behind her. I agree, but I am still coming to terms with what happened and I feel that we need to put right what was wrong before we can rebuild our relationship.

We have both made an effort to get on over the last week or so but It seems to be taking such a lot of effort on both our parts that I doubt if we can keep it up indefinately, especially as my wife is reluctant to seek counselling and discuss the underlying problems.

Some of the problems that my wife said contributed to her unhappiness are attributable to me and I am willing to try and change but a number of problems she mentioned were to do with her own self esteem, she said she was unhappy with the way she looked, she was unhappy with her figure and weight, she hates her job, she doesn't have many friends and finds it difficult to make new friends, she is unhappy because she walks with a limp as a result of a riding accident. I'm always telling her how attractive she is, (she is a UK size 12 and definatly doesn't have a weight problem), but when I highlight her good points she says that I'm just saying it and don't really mean it.

I have suggested that maybe it would be a good idea for her to seek counselling to resolve some of her own unhappiness but her attitude is that she doesn't think she's got a problem with herself. She says that she can't see how someone who doesn't know her can understand her problems and help her.