Continuous anger and frustration

[Dreamer]

Hi, it has been sometime since I wrote her, but it seems I am at my wits end, angry all the time and so very lonely and unhappy.

My husband and I started to be getting along really well. I lost some weight, slowed down dramatically on my drinking, just got into myself since husband was still planning on leaving.

Well he decided to stick it out at least until I got my career going and was able to stand on my own two feet. He started paying more attention to me and things just seemed to be going really well for me.

Then I got pregnant, and this miricle(havent been able to get pregnant in 5 years)happend. Immediatly, everything went back the way it was, trips with his bodies-now I cant go because I am pregnant(motorcycle trips), things always coming up with his friends that Im not included in. Constantly with his friends again, and well he says I blow it out of perportion, that I need to get my own friends-which I do, I just dont go out with them everyweekend, usually we do lunch because they are with there families on the weekends-which has caused a bit of jealousy in me. I constantly feel left out of his life, never important-occationally he will do a nice thing, but I feel like its a make up thing, making up for always being away.

My hormones are a wreck, as well I have a muscle and joint disease, which untreated now, is causing severe pain on a daily basis. I am stressed to the top with my job, not to mention, I am now having pregnancy issues due to my disease, and we had to move in the last month.

I am constantly angery, constantly upset. He says he hates to come home and that I am a B**** all the time, that he is not going to take anymore of this. Before he thought we just needed space, now he litterally hates me and wants out now. He says that I make his life miserable on a daily basis.

Not to mention my drinking problem, he drinks infront of me, comes home from his buddies smelling like a brewery-its really though. He says I should have control of myself, that I should have control of my anger-that these days I am never happy and always have something to bitch about. He's absolutly right. I cant even find joy in being pregnant right now. Living with continuous pain has taken that joy away.

Well my marriage is pretty much done, as soon as he sells his truck he is leaving or actually we both are leaving. He says that this was the last straw that I have treated him like **** for the last time, no one should have to put up with the abuse I give/gave him.

I am truely so tired, fighting my disease, waiting till the 20 week to find out if my baby has birth defects. Mostly my husband just hardly ever around, always doing things with his friends. He does fun things with his friends, mine always have things to do with their husbands. Im tired of being so sad and angry-I cant seem to find any happiness and when I do something always seems to screw that up.

Seeking any advise-I do love my husband, although these days I could care less if he leaves. I am truely so tired of not being able to control my anger, depression is so far gone now, I no control over any of my emotions, and its very hard because my husband blames me and it is my fault.

I pray for guidiance, I pray for my higher power to take away my anger, bring me something I can find joy in, or happiness-I now I am suppose to find it myself, I cant. When you keep getting hit with things how do you find the joy in them. How do I stay possitive, with such uncertainty in my future.

Truely, hate to be me.
Dreamer

[Kate]

Hello again Dreamer,

You have done really well, but now there's more to face and it's hard, isn't it. Once we get down "in a hole" it's hard to get out. We can't just say, "Today, I'm going to be happy", can we.

It's ok to have strong negative feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/feelings/). Yes we can't control the feelings, but what we do as a result of them is something we do have control over. There are things that you can do to handle your anger (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/anger/). I've put those two links in to articles that may help you to start choosing to behave in a different way. To do this you need to believe that you can change and that it's worth doing it - you need to find the motivation.

It would be wonderful if your husband was able to help you come to terms with some of these things, but the atmosphere in your relationship isn't right for that at present, but there are things that you can do, to start changing the balance from conflict to hope.

Try and get as much medical help as you can, get some regular exercise.

What keeps me going through tough times is the belief that God loves me and that He has plans for my future, running into eternity with Him. Nothing can separate me from Him, His love and those plans.

[Dreamer]

Hello Kate thank you for your responce. Unfortunatly, over the weekend we found out the the baby is not with us no more, Thursday I have to go have surgery to retrieve my child. My husband and I are devistated and my husband has been really supported up until yesterday.

See the past month I have been crying a lot and very angry because my husband has been spending most of his time with his friends, and most of the time he rides his bike-I think so that he doesnt have to include me. So because of that I have been hurt and angry causing me not to react the right way and not being very nice or pleasant. Well, he said that I push him away so much that there was nothing left anymore, he didnt want to hold my hand, kiss me or I havent been able to get an I love you out of him for about 2 months.

So yesterday, now that we now we have lost the baby and that and having a six month lease that we both need to finish-bad credit stuff. I asked him yesterday if I need to start looking for a new place to live by the end of the month or do I have till the end of the lease. He said I didnt have to look this month but as for the end of the lease he is not sure. I asked him if there was another women, he says he's not interested in anyone right now. I asked him if we might have a future or if things went ok with us and we were still together by next May could we try to have another child. He said he wasnt sure. He doesnt want to try again, right now and hes not sure if he wants to stay with me.

I am devistated, part of me wishes he would have lied, and said that everything will work out. But instead I got no certainty for my future. I am devistated to think this was my only hope to have another child. I have to walk on egg shells, because I am afraid to get angry or sad or anything for fear that will give him the thing he needs to ask me to leave. I am getting angry that he made me cry so much and didnt want to be around that maybe that is the reason the baby went away. I was so angry all the time and sad, crying all the time.

I dont now what to do but, I do have to say, thoughts of why should I stick around cloud my judgement right now. I loose my child and now I am going to loose my husband, because I cant let him be with his friends more than me, because I have no spine, no independance, no nothing. My life is filled with so much trauma and tragity, pain and sorrow. How do I stay possitive and happy, and pretend that him not wanting to spend time with me doesnt mean that much.

Please help me to find hope for myself.
Dreamer

[Kate]

Dear Dreamer

How desperately sad that you have lost your baby. You must be devastated. I hope that the surgery last week went smoothly. It must have been very traumatic for you on top of all the other stresses in life. I’m sure that you will be on an emotional roller coaster at the moment as you face the process of grieving for your baby. One thing that you will find hard will be to know what is the grief surfacing and what is coming from the other pressures in your life. Does the hospital offer any counselling for you?

It may be hard for you to accept but your husband may also be upset, although he may show it in different ways from you. Right now I hear from what you’ve written a desperate cry for some stability and security in the confusion and pain of your loss. Your husband isn’t able to give you that in promises of a future together. Those uncertainties were there before you lost the baby, so you can’t expect him to provide that security you crave right now. If you are pressing him to promise a future together you are preventing him from giving you any comfort right now in case it is misconstrued. I’m sure he is very mixed up and doesn’t know what he wants. Can you find it in your heart to love him by giving him the space he needs?

Your relationship has become very conflict based and negative. There are two ways to try and change that, one is to try not to blame and pull each other apart, the other is to try and behave positively towards each other. Try and look for caring things to say, for opportunities to express appreciation or to praise each other. One of you has to make a start at breaking the downward spiral and it might just as well be you.

Remember the articles I mentioned last time about handling feelings. Have you had a look at them. Writing down our feelings can sometimes help to take the sting out of them. Taking resonsibility for them helps too. Your husband may have done things to hurt you, but the only way forward is to choose to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/), to not blame him for how you feel, but just to accept that is how you have reacted to what has happened. The only person we can ever change is ourselves and in doing that we can create an atmosphere where others want to change too.

With best wishes

Kate