Am I wrong to be upset?

[Unregistered]

Five years ago my husband (then boyfriend) deceived me with another woman. I don't know that he ever cheated, but he called her every morning when I was in the shower behind my back and told me he was working when he was seeing her. He withdrew from me as a result of meeting and spending time with her. Having previously been cheated on, this was a source of considerable pain to me. Now we've been married 1.5 years and are back in this woman's hometown. I was extremely worried he would try to make contact with her, and I felt it was inappropriate for him to continue his "friendship" with her after it had hurt me so much and caused me so much anxiety. I begged him not to contact her and let her know we were here. He said that he would tell me if he ran into her and that he wouldn't call her. Yesterday I found out he called her to wish her a happy birthday behind my back. I am not so much worried that he will cheat, but going behind my back makes me feel worried that I am being lied to. He now says he never promised not to contact her, that he was coerced by my pleas into saying that he wouldn't just to silence me.

My feeling is that he should respect my feelings even if he doesn't agree with them. He says that I am trying to control who he can be friends with. I can't stand his associating with someone with whom he plotted to deceive me. What should I do?

[Kate]

The bottom line here seems to be trust. You would like you both to be open and transparent with each other.

Perhaps a conversation about what trust means to each of you might help. There is an article on rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) on the site.

In the end it's not so much whether he sees this other woman , but whether you believe you can trust him and that he loves you enough not to get involved with her again. avoiding contact where there might be temptation is the wisest path, but your husband obviously sees that as control. What would help is if he could see it as a gift to you to enable you to relax and be freed from fears.

Kate