10 years relationship still virgins

[anonym]

hi you might think this is strange but its true.

I met my partner 10 yaers ago and we are married for four years,i am 37 and my wife 33.

When i met her she did not want to have penetrative sex,because she was scared it might hurt.We love each other a lot,hence i did not ask her for full sex until she feels ready.

We got married 4 years ago,we occasionally relieve each other by other means,but we have not had even that since the last 3 months.

We both know we have a problem,but whenever i say anything like we need help ,she gets upset,saying i am obsessed with sex,but its a human need.

She does not want to see her GP,she believes we need a book,i dont know where to get such a book,or if that will really help.

The problem is she does not want to talk about the problem ,it upsets her.it makes her feel i am forcing her to do something she does not want to.

And i love her too much,i don like upsetting her. moreover she has been depressed in her previous job for the last 4 years.

We do want to have children,but thats another
problem-finance.she says i need a better job if i want a child.

i am 37 i do not want a child when i am 40 or over.

Please help me ,to get proper guidance

[Dave]

Dear Friend

First of all, take heart, your problem is not nearly as rare as you might imagine, even in marriage! Far more sex gets talked about in this world than actually gets practiced!.

However, lovemaking is intended to be a joyous part of marriage, and it does sound like you could both use some help to move beyond the barriers that are holding you back.

First, you ask about resources. There are a number of books and videos listed under the section on Difficulties in your sexual relationship (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/sextechnique/) on the site. Take a look. In your particular situation I would consider Anne Hooper's Ultimate Sex Guide (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/sextechnique/ahultimate/), or the Lovers Guide (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/sextechnique/loveguide1/) as the most appropriate. You can order them through the site by mail order.

My next suggestion is to really set some time aside to explore your sexuality together - schedule some time in your diaries to make a date together, take the phone off the hook, do something to make the setting romantic, or even try to get away to somewhere that you can spend real time just relaxing, talking, and ultimately exploring together. Take time over this - try to make the setting one of romance and exploration, not "solving our problem!". Take time to listen to each other, to accept each others fears and shyness - let the sexual relationship flow from your communication, not vice versa.

Finally, try to put to one side your desire for a family for the time being. If your wife is struggling with the possible pain in lovemaking, the thought of childbirth may be an even bigger threat. Talk about this too, and take the responsibility for contraception so that your actions line up with your words. There are plenty of Dads who start a family over 40!

You have shown great commitment to each other working through marriage without the added joy of a fulfilling sexual relationship - I believe that commitment can flourish in this area too with patience and tenderness.

Dave