arranged marraige

[super]

Please help! i had an arranged marraige mainly because of family pressure. before that i used to be in love with someone else who dumped me for someone he liked.

it took me 2 years to get over it and then i finally gave in to family pressure and agreed on the arranged marraige.

i do not love him, never fell in love with him. always had a huge emotional void inside me. but just accepted things the way they are. my husband didnt fall in love with me either. first 2-3 years were hell. but gradually i just adjusted to the fact that i may not have that love in my life ever until i found someone. i fell in love with this guy and even had an affair with him. he is a divorcee and now we kind of hope to have a future together but when i read this messageboard with all failed love marraige, i wonder if i should just break it off with him and go about my loveless, full of void marraige or take a risk with this new guy. i feel i am emotionally and physically very very compatible with this guy. i have had male friends but i never felt like for anyone before. can anyone help me here? am i wrong in wanting love in marraige? i do not have open communication with my husband at all. and i have a 2 year old baby from him. please somebody with similar experience respond to me. i am going crazy as my boyfriend expects me to take some action on my marraige. please help. i am scared to death about taking a decision.

[Dave]

Hello Super

This is a tough one to answer, especially as there are many layers of cultural and I suspect religious differences between your background and mine all of which might influence your decision.

First I'd suggest you see if there is someone older and wiser in your own community you could trust and talk to - perhaps an Aunt or Uncle, or maybe a senior person in your religious community - such a person may have a clearer understanding of your communities views. There are also organisations like Asian Family Counselling Service (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/asianfam/), and the Muslim Women's Helpline (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/muslimwohelp/) that might be able to help.

Perhaps however, I can at least give some tough guidance:
- first, when you married, I guess you made some binding promises - promises to work through the tough times and to never walk away. Unless this was truly a "Forced Marriage" where you made the vows under duress, then you have given your solemn word. Do you really think that leaving with your "lover" will not leave a mark on your conscience?? It may be every bit as hard to live with as the "void" that's there at present.
- Secondly, however much you may try to protect your child, the evidence is that the split of a marriage does create a lasting change in a child - and it is generally not a change for the good. However hard it may seem, the evidence is that working through the difficulties is the best for the child.

Finally, a little thought on "Love". Undoubtedly you have tasted the "excitement" of romantic love - it can sweep us off our feet, and is idolised by hollywood, TV and the media - but it is fickle and fades as many on this board will testify. True love is not a feeling, it is a "Decision". And it's about giving, not getting. Your decision to love your husband, fully, whole-heartedly, and without conditions or expectation of getting something back - a pure and selfless love - may actually be the key to releasing both of you to grow together so your marriage becomes a sign or symbol of what marriage can be, rather than just another statistic of the failure.

Do let us know what you decide to do.

[super]

i never ever said i will leave my husband because of my lover. i will never do that. if i leave i will try and be alone for a while. with my child. and see how that feels. is not the sanctity of our marraige already affected because of my affair?
i can never share my affair with my husband due to cultural problems. so isnt it that i am deceiving him?
because of the affair, i am unable to be intimate with my husband. we were having compatibility problems in that area too. but i couldnt control falling in love and didnt control acting on it too.
and now i feel i dont want to be with anyone. i just want to be alone before i sort out my feelings.
i guess the void in my heart will always be there. thanx for advise though. i needed that. Anyone else with similar experience, any kind of thought, advise is welcome.

[super]

this is to the moderator Dave, is it possible for me to contact you on a more personal basis. please. i am not a person who does anything without thinking it over really well and i dont ever want to do anything that might make me regret. please i need to talk to u on a personal basis, thru email possibly. I am here in the US

[Dave]

Hi Super

You are always welcome to contact any of the 2-in-2-1 team - just click on the link to the left that says "Contact Us". Please remember however that we cannot undertake personal counselling by e-mail though we will always do our best to support and help.

Dave

[super]

i think a part of my problem was resolved anyway. i have decided to give myself and my marraige some more time and 100% before i finally say yes i want to leave this marraige. this means i will have to hold off on my affair for some time or for ever. i knew this was the right answer and your comments reinforced it. i know i will have to live with a void thru my life and maybe that will be filled 50% by the time i am 40. but knowing that i have been true to my heart and have done the right things should be a comfort. thanx a lot. in desperate times when you dont have anyone to turn to, sometimes strangers help.

[Dave]

Hi Super

You have made a wise choice, and a tough one. In being true to yourself and your conscience you will grow in strength, and in deciding to work at your marriage, no matter how tough, I believe you will find that your void may yet be filled in your marriage not outside it. Over 70% of couples who report themselves "unhappy" in marriage but who decide to work through their difficulties report themselves as "happy" within 5 years - there is hope!

And as for the advice of strangers - just remember that a stranger is just a friend you haven't yet met!

Keep in touch

Your friend
Dave

[super]

Dave, i dont know why i read your post and tears started to flow like crazy. I am from a Asian country and i got married to please my parents. I never quite healed from a previous breakup. And I guess I never gave marraige commitments so much thought when I did. I really love this new person in my life. and by love I dont only mean romantic love. he is not from my community or country. I understand there are so many differences between us but I was sure we could have worked around it if we ever commited.

I cannot discuss this with my husband or friends from my community as you know what might happen.

God it is so difficult to be in a affair and even think of leaving someone whom you love. I wonder how others do it. I am having a hard time letting go of my feelings for him and I have no idea how to deal with it without feeling depressed all the time. I guess I have to make some changes in my lifestyle in order to get thru this. Please Dave, if you have suggestions to get over this pain, please help me. whereas when i think of leaving my husband i really dont feel as bad. I think I might miss the comforts of life he provides but thats all.

Please help with this pain.

[Unregistered]

Here is my advise after living 16 years without love: quit your marriage first.

[Dave]

Hi Super - sorry to be so long in responding - how are things going??

I have to say that I certainly don't agree with the post below - walking away is rarely the responsible answer.

I only wish I had a simple way forward for you.

I guess there are some basic guidelines in this situation, most of which are common sense, but here goes:-
- cut off all contact with the other man - trying to "cut back" or reduce contact won't work - you simply have to turn you back, walk away, and steel yourself to never look back. It will hurt like a knife through your soul, but it is the only way to really break the bond.
- keep busy - sitting around moping will only make it harder. Find a course, join a club, take a job, anything to keep your mind busy and active - it simply makes the time pass quicker, and time will heal even this pain.
- talk to someone - there must be a (female) friend somewhere you can confide in. If the worst comes to the worst, then you can continue to chat here, but it's not the same as being face to face.
- Take little steps with your husband - start focussing your creative and romantic abilities on being the very best wife you can for him. Special dinners, occasional gifts, dress to attract him - see if you can't woo him so that he falls in love with you - it can happen!

These won't take away the pain, but they may give you a focus and a plan to work through to a brighter, and lasting marriage.

Let us know how you get on

Dave

[Cutie]

Hi, I had an arranged marriage 13 years ago. A year into my marriage I met someone whom I fell in love with but the family split us.
I contacted him earlier this year. That night he told me his feelings for me had not changed! Meanwhile I fell pregnant again with twins (husband's). I tried to arrange a time to see him face to face & was unsuccessful until last week now 5 months gone.
We finally met up and I told him, he said he was really pleased for me etc. However when I was driving home he kept ringing me sounding really upset asking me why I hadn't told him earlier. Since then he hasn't returned my calls nor tried to contact me. His "friend" picked up the phone, told me he never loved me no details just keep away & forget him. When I tried to ask why he asked me not to bother him again as he would not be FORCED to tell me. Tell me what? All I am asking for is an explanation is that too much to ask? I'm in a messy marriage & relationship at the same time! What shall I do?

[Kate]

Dear Cutie,

Is there really any future with this man? Perhaps he's realised that and is trying to put things behind him. Seeing you may have stirred up his feelings, but it takes more than feelings to build a future especially a future based on tearing a family apart.

Why not accept his decision. It doesn't mean that he has been misleading you or that you are not attractive and special. It is more likely to mean that he doesn't want to see you hurt and thinks it's best to move on.

Although you are finding your marriage difficult - isn't that where your attention should be right now? There's a lot said about arranged marriages, but actually marriages based on love and emotion don't necessarily work out. All marriages have to be worked at, even those born out of falling "in love".

You don't say what challenges you are facing within your marriage, but if you need help to sort those out then why not seek that help.

Kate