Ahead or behind???

[hippychick]

It has been 11 months since D day. From what we can see, there has been "some" significant changes/improvements through the communication, questions, answers, arguments, etc, etc that has taught us a great deal about relationships, each other, and ourselves that is very valuable to us. However, we seem to be "STUCK" in a bottomless pit of the past(hurts) inflicted on each other, and basically "competing" in a game of " ya, but remember when you did this....", that of course nobody will ever, EVER win.
But, as well as we both believe this, we cant seem to get ourselves unstuck.
We are both attending marriage counseling, but are getting ready to ditch the guy, as he seems to be focused on the subject of getting the affection "back in the saddle" over anything else that seems to be "boiling over".
Has anyone ever been in this situation, that has gotten past it, so we can land in a place where the foundation for healing and loving is a little more stable?
Or, at this point in time, is this sort of behavior between us pretty common?

[Kate]

There are a lot of past hurts coming up again and again from what you have said. It's going to be hard to get past that unless you are preared to ask for and give forgiveness and let the past go. So long as you are hanging on to past hurts and using them as weapons whenever the temperature rises, you are going to remain stuck. Have a look at the articles on forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/forgive/) on the site.

It is really is simple and really hard! If something is more than 48 hours old let it go. Relinquish your desire to get revenge, prove yourselves right or hang on to it. If you are in the wrong, go and ask your husband to forgive you - that is tough to because he may not be willing to do it and you've given him the control, but it also invites a decision on his part, where just saying sorry actually achieves very little, becuase the other peson hasn't had to do anything or been given permission to.

best wishes

Kate