heart borken!

[Unregistered]

my husband has cheated on me not once but twice. he expects me to get over and go on with our lives. but i can't do that. it is eating me up so much that i can bearly function anymore. he used to play in the band. he gave it up to work on our marriage and every time we get in a fight he will bring up i gave my band up for you what else do you want. i never ask to give up his band. i feel he not being truthful to me when i ask him questions about his affairs. i caught him in the car with the woman outside of the club were his was playing at and he told me that he was in love with both of us. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm so hurt and devestaed about all this and i can't get over it. i have read 2 books on the subject so far and it still not helping. i'm so mad at him what he done to me that he doesn't understand what i'm going through i feel like i'm in hell and i don't know how to make it any better. he tells me that it is all my fault and that is why he was cheating on me. he is so scare that i'm going to get revange on him that he tells me that i will end up cheating on him because of what he has done to me. please help me i feel like i'm at the end of my rope.

[Unregistered]

Get some counselling and then dump the jerk. You deserve better than that peice of s***....

[Kate]

Hi,

I believe you may have posted here before as your story sounds familiar. Your husband seems to be employing a fair bit of emotional blackmail on you at present.

First of all, It's not all your fault. Yes, you may have made some mistakes and not shown your love as well as you might in your early married life, but none of us are perfect and quite frankly two wrongs do not make a right. He is not solving anything by indulging himself by having affairs. If he is so hurt by disappointment in the marriage then he has as much responsibility as you to try and sort it out.

Have you considered counselling, to help you communicate (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffcommun/) better and sort out conflict constructively (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/fightwork/), perhaps set some goals for the future. I've put in some links to articles or areas on the site, but I appreciate you've already read two books.

There seem to be a whole bundle of issues in amongst everything you say. Can you forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) him for what he has done? It's not easy, but it is possible. Can you begin to learn to trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) him again - to do that you need to both understand what each other means by trust? Can you begin to start building each other up? Tell him how much you value the fact he gave up the band to be with you. Tell him what you value in him. Talk about what you expect from marriage - often couples don't know what the source of their partner's disappointment and hurt is, because they haven't talked about it. There is so much that you can do to build up your marriage, but it's going to require effort on your part and the grace to set aside your own hurts so that every attempt doesn’t get shipwrecked as soon as angry words are spoken.

You can make a difference, you don't have to give up, but when it comes to change, we really have to start with ourselves, because trying to change others just doesn't work, they have to want to do so for themselves.

All the best

Kate