Money Problems

[Unregistered]

My husband and I have been married nearly 19 years. We continue to have problems with money. Currently, I teach full time and he owns his own business. My salary is used to pay all the family bills that normally occur. He pays for unexpected expenses. The problem for me is that once I pay the monthly bills there is no money left. (Part of the monthly bills that I pay include a savings program for retirement.) My husband's business currently makes little or no money. This past summer he had to borrow money from our family credit card and our children's savings accounts to pay his bills. He does plan on paying all of it back when he gets more money. What makes me the angriest is that he recently decided he wanted a new expensive piece of equipment to use for his work. It's not really necessary and not really related to his business. When I expressed my unhappiness I was again told that I am not supportive of anything he does for his business. He's been in this particular business for 6 years now.

I feel like I'm being used because I spend all my money on taking care of the family and he has no such responsibilities. He keeps saying that he's working for our future. I don't want to wait until I retire to spend money. My needs are not great. I'd like to build a new garage, one that doesn't leak everytime it rains and take some vacations.

Whenever I try to explain how I feel he tells me that I should be happy with what I have. I have a nice home, a great family and a good job. In my head I'm thinking that he also has all those things without the financial responsibilty. His only financial responsibility is his business. I don't know of many businesses that can survive if they don't make any money. If I complain about any of this he screams at me. I don't know what to do.

[Dave]

Reading through your post, what struck me was that this doesn't seem really to be about money, but about mutual support, understanding and communication.

- You are judging yourself taken for granted, and feeling angry and resentful

- Your husband is probably judging himself to have failed as the Bread winner, possibly frightened and frustrated that no matter how hard he works the business never improves, and quite possible threatened by your apparent competence and your needs for the home.

Trapped in your own worlds you spiral ever further down into the mire of mutual recrimination.

What is needed is for you both to realise that your relationship is worth far more than an arguement about money. You both need affirmation and support. You probably both need to stop and listen to what it's like to be the other.

I would seriously suggest that you take time to enrol on a Marriage Weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html) - work on your relationship, and then you will have the foundations to work on the money issues together.

Dave

[Michael]

I am the husband in question. I have been working this business as was prevoisly stated by my wife for going on 6 years now. I have never used any of the money from our family until this last summer. The total borrowed fro the damily is about $3500.00. My business is totally self supporting and has been contributing about $10,000 a year to the family support. I started this business with no money and it is now worth in the neighborhood of $300,000. What my wife fails to mention is that I am recovering from a serious health problem this summer. The business suffered this summer. I am feeling better and finances are improving. The piece of equipment is a projector. I have the idea of making a small outdoor drive in type movie theater. The projector cost $1500. The movies will be for free to my customers as a way of having fun and promoting my business. My tiny yellow page ad alone cost $1000 and is not any fun. My business is a internet provider. I have over 600 dialup customers and an launching a wireless system this week. The projector will be available for people to rent at $50.00 a day and will be promoted at the movie showings. My business is an expression of my need to create and express myself. I am thrilled with the way my business is going. My wife wants to go on a cruise and resents this projector because she sees the cost of it as delaying her immediate gratification. Those are the facts as I see them. What do you think?

[Dave]

Hi Michael

It's always interesting and useful to get both sides of the story in any of the questions that get posed here.

What your reply has immediately confirmed is that my original response that this isn't about money was correct. In this case it seems to be about two very basic human needs - Significance and Security.

You seem to have a high need for Significance - your job provides you with a way to express yourself, to show that you have achieved something of worth with your life. I guess the prospect of a cruise or vacation is a double threat - it uses money, and it would take you away for a time from your project.

Your wife seems to have a high need for Security - she works hard to ensure that the home is well provided etc, but the constant striving is wearing her down - she wants a break,; a way to celebrate her security.

The trouble with strategies that look to meet our needs in these ways is that they gradually drive us apart, as they are in your case. Deep inside I suspect that you long to meet your wife's need for security - she probably longs for you to know that she values and respects your creativity and energy - but you have both lost the language to do it.

That's why I think that your best bet is to take some time away on a Weekend or a programme to rebuild the channels to communicate with each other and to reach out to each other.

The cornerstone of a fulfilling relationship is that you take responsibility to reach out to each other to serve each others needs. Right now you are locked into self-satisfaction - a road that ultimately will lead to loneliness, bitterness, and failure.

Dave

[Michael]

I would say you are right on every point. I have booked the cruise even though on paper it isn't going to be easy. She needed a break and didn't have the ability(for whatever reason)to just say that.
thank you
Michael

[Dave]

Michael

Thanks for the feedback - it's always encouraging to know we're in the right ball-park.

Deciding to take the cruise should be a great opportunity for both of you just to spend some time having fun together. However, without some deeper work it could also become just another point of arguement between you - a point of resentment rather than growth.

As a minimum I'd find a good book to take with you - perhaps the "Five Love Languages" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/) - it's clear from what you said in your last posting that there are still communication barriers that need work.

Then I'd look for a good programme you can do together. Take a look on Smartmarriages (http://www.smartmarriages.com) to find appropriate programs in your area in the US.

Good luck

Dave

[Jean]

Dave,

Thank you for your advice. I feel that my husband and I are working on our communication skills much more now. I feel that a peace is settling over us and it feels much better. The cruise that we will be taking makes me happy, but the fact that we are able to talk more openly makes me even happier.

Our whole family is looking forward to the cruise since our three children will be coming with us. And tonight we watched our first outdoor movie with the new projector. :-)