only 3y married - perfect surface but broken dreams...

[eglantine]

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dear all, this is only a try to find advice from other ladies. i've been married for only 3 yrs. we got married because we were so much in love! i even moved country and postponed my carreer to be close to him, it was his wish, too. i really loved him, he was my first true love. i fell in love when i was only 18, but it took 6 yrs before we got married. in those 6 yrs. we were apart and only friends. both of us had other relationships. then, after we got married, month after month everything started to change. from the passionate, loving and caring man he used to be in the first 3 months he bacame an average man with no sexuaL interest, no romance, and just a man like other men out there. wedon't have a proper conversation. he loves to TALK, neer listens. everythinh is about him, and now i doubt that he loves me for the person i really am. now, finally after 3 yrs, that i'm back to my carreer i try to fill in the gaps in my heart and my soul with my job, my friends and my mom. i feel so much anger towards him. i sometimes look at him and can not believe what i ever loved in him, he only sleeps, goes to work, is on the phone with his friends&relatives and even weekends he prefers to be a second"homer simpson" in front of tv! goodbye romanytic dinners, clubbing, just being friends, just talking, careing! i try to give him some space for himself now, not question him, not want him sexually, do not be too nice with him! because that's what i assume older and more experienced wives would do. but my anger is there, i am sure he knows about it but he's a typical coward who runs away whenever he can and if he can't he tries to turn around the match and starts critisizing everything i say and excuses everything by saying: i am to sesitive, and he is such a perfect husband because he is not "unfaithful" like ALL other husbands! i admit that i think of him now as a primitive man.i can not, at this moment, even imagine having children with him. i wish i had the courage to be honest to people around us and tell them, just to make myself feel better...maybe.. i guess..
but, ironically, we are the PERFECT couple from outside...and this is my own fault as well. there is so much to say, but when i read my own words it does not show my true sadness yet.
i wish i had a good friend, who i can trust enough and with whom i could let myself go... eglantine[QUOTE]

[Kate]

Isn’t it strange how many of us pull out all the stops when we are courting but then don't realise that we need to work at making our relationship fun and fulfilling. I can sense in your words a forlorn sadness - is this all there is??

Lots of couples go through disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) and withdraw from the pain of disappointment into anger and then independence just as if they were single again. Have you thought of trying to get away together on amarriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) - these offer opportunities to realise what a marriage needs to keep it "buzzing", how to communicate better and find a vision for what your married life could be.

We have details of the programmes available in the UK, but thing like Marriage Encounter and several of the others are available in other countries too. perhaps your husband just needs a jolt out of his complacency to recognise that you need a bit of cherishing and encouraging and that you want so much more than the failed marriage next door or at the office.

Have you had a good talk about what you expect from marriage? Do you know what he would find romantic and fun? Have you thought of writing him a letter telling him how much you love him, what your dreams for you both were and how you feel emotionally. If you can do this without blaming him for what has gone wrong, just sharing yourself, then perhaps he might read it and see something of what is happening. The difficulty with talking is that we find it hard to listen especially if we are feeling defensive, whereas a letter allows things to sink in and can be re-read.

Don't just withdraw. Yes more experienced wives may know when to speak and when to hold their peace but pretending the problem doesn't exist is not going to move things on and it's certainly just tearing you apart, the pain and anger will turn to bitterness and coldness if you leave it to fester without talking it through and seeking each others forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/).

All the best

Kate