my husband had an affair and I do not know what to do

[sajade9]

My husband has been having an affair. I do not know how long it has been going on for but am sure at least around 8 months. I have no specific proof but have caught him coming out of her apartment one time.. his car was parked near her apartment another time. One weekend some months ago I went to stay with my parents and when I came back found evidence that he had brought her into our home while the children were there. I have been going crazy and have found myself reacting in ways I did not think possible: going out to look for him if he is home late, checking his phone for messages and have even called her up (she is a coworker). We are both muslim - I am from a very traditional muslim background - have been married over 9 years and have two small children. Our marriage has not been easy from the start - we have many arguments and sometimes I think I am wasting my life. I have left him for short periods before in order for things to cool down. There has been no love or sex for some time and now with this no respect either. I went to stay with my parents for a few weeks taking the the children with me and in the meantime he asked me to return home in order to give things another try for the sake of the children and us. He even wants to go to marriage counselling, however we have tried this during the early years of our marriage and it did not make any difference. I did go back to him but am not sure if I want to go to marriage counselling. I do not think I can ever trust him again and cannot know that even now he is still not seeing her.. he still denies the affair.

[Kate]

Dear Sajade9,

It will not be easy to trust your husband when he is behaving in this way. You might like to look at an article on trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) to help you understand what would help you trust him again.

The fact that counselling did not help earlier in your marriage does not mean that it will not help now. There are contact details on the site for organisations in the UK who might understand the issues that you are facing. There is the Asian Family Counselling Service (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/asianfam/) and the Muslim Women's Helpline (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/muslimwohelp/) and the Muslim Marriage Guidance Council, tel. 01273 722 438. If you do not live in the UK, We are not sure what to suggest, but you would have to investigate local counselling services or talk to your local Muslim leadership.

Surely it is worth trying again now that your husband is wishing to work at things. It would seem reasonable to agree on the condition that he avoids seeing the other woman, whether he admits something has been going on or not. You might also explain that to begin to trust him, you need certain things to happen.

I do wonder if communication is a major problem. Would it not help if you could understand and be able to talk about each other's values, expectations and feelings. There are articles here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffcommun/) on the site that you could look through.

With best wishes

Kate