Trust

[Jay Jay]

I would welcome any advice anyone has regarding my situation. After 17 years of marraige. A marraige that was filled by mistrust by myself towards my husband. He never gave me any reason not to trust him but because of my experiences in previous relationships I treated him like he couldn't be trusted. I've struggled and researched with the idea of mistrust because it caused endless rows. I decided at the beginning of this year I was going to be more positive in the relationship and have gently relearned how to treat my husbasnd with trust. there may have been one or two lapses along the way but nothing serious. I'm very happy with my progress - it's slow but the changes are for real. By coinsodence my husband turned the other way and stopped trusting me. I noticed he had an empityness about him and this has been going on now for eight mths now and he only said after me pulling it out of him that he didn't know weather there was any future in our relationship - that somthing had clicked in him this year and he couldn't click back - he says that he dosen't know weather he love me or not he simply cannot understand his feelings. I'm trying everything there is to prove to him have changed. Does this sound like it's too late for us. How do I gain his trust again. I'm totally lost with the best intentions. I know I've been the wrong one here but can anyone give me encouraging advise. Many Many thanks!:confused: :confused:

[Liz]

Dear JayJay,

It's heart breaking to have made such an effort to put things right and then find there is more to sort out. Your husband may have been struggling for so long with the lack of trust that the hurt got too much and he has withdrawn into himself to avoid more pain.

It is difficult to go on loving someone when your relationship with them has been painful. He may well have a lot of negative feelings and may not "feel" very loving towards you. When we don't feel positive about our marriage, we can be tempted to assume that the love has died. Feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/feelings/) are not good indicators to use to decide what to do in life. They change and alter and are more a reflection of whether our emotional needs are being met. The sort of love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/loveis/) which makes a marriage work is the sort that recognisese the need to decide to love even when we are feeling hurt or sad, it wants the best for the other and goes on hoping that things can be rebuilt.

Have you asked your husband to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/) you for the way you have behaved and hurt him? Have you been able to tell him how sad you are that you have hurt him and how much you want to change and care for him?

I expect your husband is now quite confused, because you are beginning to change and he doesn't know whether to dare to believe that it is real. Do you have the courage to ask him to tell you how he is feeling and to listen to him without interruption. What he tells you may be painful, but if you can, try and accept that that is where he is now. Try to understand what it feels like to be him. Just as it has taken you time to make real changes you may need to be patient with him to let him come to terms with those changes.

All the best

Liz