Affairs - the third party

[Otherside]

I am currently involved and working to get out of an affair. It has been almost a year
and it started with him approaching me and telling me that he has loved me for 2 years.
Well, naturally I said to him, you are married! Well, I am but my wife and I are just coexisting and there is nothing left to the marriage. RIGHT! Well as soon as she finds out he is interested in someone else, low and behold, she says she really does love him
RIGHT! The entire marriage is one of convenience, neither want to leave, but neither one can stand each other, so they are staying for the boys and because neither feels that they should leave the house, they are waiting for the other to make the decision. NOW HOW STUPID IS THIS! I have put up with, I am working on it, I am seeing a therapist, I really do love you, but I can't leave my kids, I really want to leave, but I can not afford too, let's get through the holidays and the New Year will bring changes.
I HAVE HEARD THEM ALL and I am sure there are other men and women who have heard the same and lot's more.
I AM DONE, How about someone writing a book or doing a seminar for those that are the 3rd
party. This helping the 2 marriage partners is a very bias look at reality. We 3rd party
people, are not bad people, not the victims, not the prostitutes, homewreckers and
mistresses that everyone thinks we are. We are caring and loving, probably more than the
average person.
HOW ABOUT US!

[I agree]

Originally posted by Otherside:
I am currently involved and working to get out of an affair. It has been almost a year
and it started with him approaching me and telling me that he has loved me for 2 years.
Well, naturally I said to him, you are married! Well, I am but my wife and I are just coexisting and there is nothing left to the marriage. RIGHT! Well as soon as she finds out he is interested in someone else, low and behold, she says she really does love him
RIGHT! The entire marriage is one of convenience, neither want to leave, but neither one can stand each other, so they are staying for the boys and because neither feels that they should leave the house, they are waiting for the other to make the decision. NOW HOW STUPID IS THIS! I have put up with, I am working on it, I am seeing a therapist, I really do love you, but I can't leave my kids, I really want to leave, but I can not afford too, let's get through the holidays and the New Year will bring changes.
I HAVE HEARD THEM ALL and I am sure there are other men and women who have heard the same and lot's more.
I AM DONE, How about someone writing a book or doing a seminar for those that are the 3rd
party. This helping the 2 marriage partners is a very bias look at reality. We 3rd party
people, are not bad people, not the victims, not the prostitutes, homewreckers and
mistresses that everyone thinks we are. We are caring and loving, probably more than the
average person.
HOW ABOUT US!

[Flick]

Hang on a minute. Marriage can be tough at times, but bringing a third party in just makes things worse. You don't have to get involved with a married man just because you're attracted to him. As far as I'm concerned married men are out of bounds!

[Jude]

The third person does get blamed for a lot of marriage breakdowns..when affairs tend to be the reflection of a relationship going wrong anyway. Equally some affairs do become long-term monogamous relationships...married people are not necessarily always out of bounds...affairs can offer a way out and new happiness. Not easy or even very likely but it can happen.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Otherside... I sympathise and you are right. I'm sure it's the married man approaching the "would be" mistress that starts affairs most of the time.

[you're right]

I am the wife of a man who had an affair. I had no hard feelings towards the OW when I found out. She was a stranger to me, my husband was the one who betrayed me. I did not judge her. She did not force him to have a relationship with her, regardless of who persued who. I did have a problem with her when she began harassing me and threatening me when she found out I wanted to try and save my marriage. It did not work out, and I did leave my husband. He did not go to her and is by himself right now. She still is very angry with me and thinks I have somehow kept him away from her by telling him he could not see our kids if he was with her. This is not true, I don't care who he is with. She doesn't seem to understand that getting involved with a married man hardly ever results in happily ever after. The man is usually being selfish and does not really care about his wife or the other woman, even though he tells them both he does.

[Lorna]

Originally posted by Otherside:
I am currently involved and working to get out of an affair. It has been almost a year
and it started with him approaching me and telling me that he has loved me for 2 years.
Well, naturally I said to him, you are married! Well, I am but my wife and I are just coexisting and there is nothing left to the marriage. RIGHT! Well as soon as she finds out he is interested in someone else, low and behold, she says she really does love him
RIGHT! The entire marriage is one of convenience, neither want to leave, but neither one can stand each other, so they are staying for the boys and because neither feels that they should leave the house, they are waiting for the other to make the decision. NOW HOW STUPID IS THIS! I have put up with, I am working on it, I am seeing a therapist, I really do love you, but I can't leave my kids, I really want to leave, but I can not afford too, let's get through the holidays and the New Year will bring changes.
I HAVE HEARD THEM ALL and I am sure there are other men and women who have heard the same and lot's more.
I AM DONE, How about someone writing a book or doing a seminar for those that are the 3rd
party. This helping the 2 marriage partners is a very bias look at reality. We 3rd party
people, are not bad people, not the victims, not the prostitutes, homewreckers and
mistresses that everyone thinks we are. We are caring and loving, probably more than the
average person.
HOW ABOUT US!

I am a journalist, doing a feature on affairs. Would you be happy to talk about this to Best magazine. And would your lover and his wife be happy to talk about it? There is, of course, payment involved. If you're interested - and I'd be very grateful if you are - you can contact me on 020 770 0819 or lorna.frame@btinternet.com

[other than one]

I'm a homewrecker, a mistress, or whatever you want to call me. Men make the choices they want to make. Whether or not you are the person that persues the affair, it's no one's fault, it just happens. You can't help who you are attracted to and neither can he!!!

[jo71]

Well, I am but my wife and I are just coexisting and there is nothing left to the marriage.
Have you talked to his wife...does she agree that there is nothing left to their marriage?? I didn't think so. You only have his side of it.
as soon as she finds out he is interested in someone else, low and behold, she says she really does love him
Maybe she really does...have you asked her? Of course you haven't.
The entire marriage is one of convenience, neither want to leave, but neither one can stand each other
How do you know this? He may have told you this, but maybe she truly loves him.

Don't you see...he is going to tell you ANYTHING so that YOU won't feel guilty about being with him. He's going to tell you she doesn't love him, their marriage was over years ago, neither one of them wants to be married. All because he feels you are too decent to break up a marriage if you feel guilty about it. And you should.

We 3rd party people, are not bad people, not the victims, not the prostitutes, homewreckers and mistresses that everyone thinks we are. We are caring and loving, probably more than the average person.

I agree to an extent...if you are a decent human, but are continuing this relationship, then you are being played like a puppet by the adulterer. He is having his cake and eating it too. You are being deceived, just like his wife is. Get out now and keep your dignity.

Jo

(just realized how OLD this post is....therefore, "other than one", consider this addressed to you)

[MPM]

I agree with all the above points that Jo has made, there are always two sides to ever story and you only get to hear one as a mistress.

Whether or not you are the person that persues the affair, it's no one's fault, it just happens. You can't help who you are attracted to and neither can he!!!

I don't agree with this statement, we all have choices, things don't just happen. Unless maybe the love fairy pops round and sprinkles us with her dust which renders us powerless and unable to control ourselves!

An affair is not the way to end a relationship, if a relationship isn't working then both partners need to either take steps to mend it or a decision to leave needs to be made. It is well documented here the pain that affairs cause spouses but although I've never had an affair I find it hard to believe that being the other person makes for a happy time either? The original poster of this thread many years ago certainly didn't sound very happy.

[goldenskin]

sorry double post..so i deleted it

[goldenskin]

i have a friend who have a boyfriend is a married man.
says one of the reason why the husband are cheating with thier spouse because they are not getting enought attention/ sex from thier spouse. they just ignore what the problem is.

if one of his/her parents are a cheater of course the children can learn that too. and dont expect that your cheater spouse will change into a better person,once a cheater will always be a cheater. :eek:

[heartbrokensusie]

Hang on a mo. Am I missing something here? If you are aware that a man is married then keep your theiving hands off. Nevermind about being the third party! You shouldn't be the third party! He is not yours for the taking. If his marriage isn't all it should be then he should get out of it before starting another relationship..................

[jo71]

Hang on a mo. Am I missing something here? If you are aware that a man is married then keep your theiving hands off. Nevermind about being the third party! You shouldn't be the third party! He is not yours for the taking. If his marriage isn't all it should be then he should get out of it before starting another relationship..................

THANK YOU!! ;)

[Coffeebean]

the thing i have never understood about the third party is if they are having an affair with a taken person then when on earth do they think that when they have finally taken the person from there partner/husband/wife that person will not cheat on them - they have already shown that they have no problem in looking else where

[Desperate]

Where is Markus when you need him?

3rd party, you have no sympathy from me. Write the book yourself.

Do you really think it's okay to have affairs with people who already have partners? And as for other contributors who have supported this notion, I presume this is because you too are, or have been the 3rd party at some time? I bet y'all were anti-3rd party until you dropped your integrity for a night between the sheets.

3rd party people deserve every ounce of suffering that comes to them...and more. You leave devastation behind for the "victims" and their children. Stuff the lot of you.

[Monica_V]

I have no sympathy whatsoever for third parties and I absolutely agree with Desperate

All I will add is this: If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife!!

[Mike56]

Yep!

I DO understand why people have affairs though. It's a nice, easy, simple solution to their problem. It's also "safe" because in many cases the 3rd party knows full well that the cheat is (in reality) unlikley to leave their spouse.

It also of course gives a wonderful talking point - they can talk about "their situation" endlessly.

And of course the 3rd party gets to feel soooooo wanted. Despite the fact that cheat goes back to his/her spouse.

So, overall it's a sign of general inadequacy. Why would one want to be with someone so inadequate?

Mike.

[Helen_uk]

" We couldn't help it. " " It just happened. "

Two phrases commonly used by mistresses and cheating husbands ( and cheating wives no doubt ) alike ! Truth is you CAN help it ( just say no ! ) and nothing ever JUST happens it has to be done and doing is a verb therefore somebody has to be doing something for it to happen, there's no JUST about it !

If you want to waste your life with a man who cheats on his wife then be prepared for a lot of heartache and trust issues . Personally I wouldn't touch a man who cheats on his wife with the proverbial barge pole , I prefer my men to have a little integrity and one who can exhibit a little self control.

What kind of a relationship can be sustained if it starts in such a way that one of the people have to cheat ? How could you ever trust that person to remain faithful to you knowing they have history ?

Helen

[callow]

Helen

I agree with you entirely on the subject.

I know when it is time for me to find another mate that the pot will be very small. Most of the men with integrity are still happily married. That only leaves me with men who have themselves been deserted and widowers. If I don't find anyone then that will be OK as well, but I will not become a partner to someone who has had an affair. As you say there will be no trust, I may as well stay married to my husband.

I believe that there are no circumstances were an affair is justified. If someone is unhappy in a marriage. Then they should leave that marriage before looking elsewhere. Before my husband admitted his affair, I was very sad that he no longer loved me and that he was prepared to break up the family. However, I still had some respect for him. After he admitted his affair I lost all respect for him. He was weak. I can never trust him again.

Sally