I don't know what to do

[Lisa]

I thought my husband and I had the most amazing relationship. We were both friends and lovers. We supported each other through our own individual and our couple growth. We have been together 3 1/2 years and married for almost 1 year. In the past two months, he has expressed major doubts about our relationship. He can't verbalize why, but he has said that he feels like he loves me but is not in love with me and is very sad and anxious about this. He doesn't know what he should do about this, he believes maybe it is an indicator that we should not be together. He has said that he may need to leave our home for a while to figure this out. What complicates things is that I am pregnant. I never thought I would say that our being pregnant has complicated things. It hurts to type this. He has gone to couple counseling 3 times but will not talk to friends or family or attend counseling himself. I love him very much and would love advice from married couples about what to do. I don't know whether I should let him go or continue to work at this. I don't feel he is working. He says he struggles with it in his head every day. Any advice would be appreciated.

An addition: My husband came home last night and told me that he has figured out what he has been struggling with. He says he has feelings for someone he works with. He is willing to explore these feelings with me and see if they arose because we weren't paying attention to our relationship. He has agreed not to share these feelings with the other person or pursue a relationship with her at this time. I feel strangely relieved because I believe this is something we can get through. Am I crazy?

[Liz]

Dear Lisa

Most marriages go through a stage of disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/). When we are courting we make an extra special effort with each other and we often shut out any faults in our loved one. Once we are married there comes a time when we take off our "rose coloured spectacles" and see the things in each other that aren't perfect. Our feelings may not be positive all the time and we may wonder what has happened to the romance and excitement and whether it will ever come back.

In fact this is the point at which we need to realise that love is not about always feeling loving but about choosing to act lovingly and caringly. This doesn't mean that we have to spend the rest of our lives struggling to love each other, but that some times it will be easier to than at other times. If your husband is going to judge every relationship on the basis of whether he feels good about it, he is destined for a lifetime of disappointment and pain. If however he is committed to love you through the hard times as well as the easy times, then he will discover the joy there is in loving and being loved buy one person warts and all, without having to pretend. Being loved and accepted for who you really are is one of the most precious things in the world.

May I suggest you look at a few articles in the Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) area of the site on Love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/loveis/) and Feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/feelings/). I wonder if counselling is really what you need or whether you would benefit from getting away on a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/), where you can have some space to focus on each other, to rediscover what really is special about your love for each other and how to make the most of that. We did a Marriage Encounter weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/) when things went rather stale after our first child was born and it set us on the right track for the next 15 plus years.

Don't give up on your marriage. Much of what is happening is to do with understanding what marriage and love are all about. There's lots to learn about each other and lots to discover and if you both believe that there is the possibility of lots of joy and fun ahead, with your family to share together too.

best wishes

Liz

[Lisa]

Thank you for your response Liz. I don't want to give up but it seems like every couple of days my husband says he needs to leave to figure this out. I have then talked to him about what he is feeling and doing and he stays for another couple of days. I am sooooo tired and hurt and it feels like I'm doing all the work in our relationship. He says he doesn't know if he can let me in to work on the relationship if he doesn't get time away to "clear his head". I feel like I'm swimming upstream with him tied to me and I'm drowning. I'm worry about what this is doing to our baby. The first trimester is almost over and I can't sleep, eat or take care of myself properly while I'm struggling with this. People tell me to find my inner strength but I'm having a very hard time doing that with all the chaos that comes from this situation. I tell myself each time that I will stop getting in his way and let him make whatever decision he needs to. I just can't seem to do that when he wants to leave. I know that this is very convoluted but that is where my mind is. Any advice anyone?

[Lisa]

Every day I check this posting hoping someone can give me some insight or inspiration. Many people have checked this message but posted no response. Is my situation too complicated? Has anyone gone through this?

[Helen]

Dear Lisa

I am so sorry to read about your problems, it feels like history relived. I was married to my first husband for five years, we were devoted to each other. I got pregnant with my now 11 year old fab daughter whom i cherish. Upon telling my husband I was pregnant, which was his initial idea, for me to take a career break and have a baby, he began acting most odd.

when Victoria was 2 months old I found out that he had been having an affair, he kept saying he needed a break, he could not articulate why, or would not. Eventually i asked him to leave, I struggled with my new born and we tried for a couple of months to work things out. We got divorced, I bought Vicky up on my own and went back to University to get my degree. At that time I thought my life had ended, it was in fact the beginning. I now have a fantastic daughter, with whom im very close and got married 12 months ago.

You need to get to the core of his unhappiness, believe me , it wont be down to you but there will be a reason that hes not admitting. Be strong. and ask lots of questions. Thinking of you.

[Kay]

Even though many people have read your post but have not replied, I'd like you to know that so many others have experienced similar pain. You are not alone. I, too have struggled with the torment of my husband's indecisions about our marriage. We have been married 19 years, and have 2 children. He also professed feelings for another woman; in my case, for my former best friend of 15 years. If I can offer any advice at all, it is for you to give him space. While I don't think it's a good idea for him to move out, maybe telling him that YOU (not him) are not sure of your feelings for him right now, but that you are willing to give him time, and that you need time yourself, will force him to confront the possibility that he could lose you. (even if you don't believe this yourself) I found that the more I backed away from my husband and went about my day, the more he has come forward. I can honestly say that our relationship (from him even saying that he wanted a divorce) has gotten stronger daily. IT HAS BEEN THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE - BACKING OFF. I KNOW THIS WILL BE THE MOST DIFFICULT THING YOU WILL EVER DO!

I also highly recommend the book, The Divorce Remedy - The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving your Marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/) - by Michelle Weiner Davis. Please go out and get this book - don't share it with him, but rather read it for yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep me posted - I care. A friend from the USA.

[Lisa]

Thank you Kay. I can tell you so far, you are absolutely right. Last Saturday, I decided to "back off". I told him I would let him take control of when we talked about things and taking space. Previous to this I was so panicked I would wanted to talk about things every day or every other day. This just made things worse. Since I have given him space, the quality of our interactions and his compassion for my feelings has improved greatly. He is beginning to get a lot more perspective on things than he had and he told me last night that he is having a hard time committing to staying instead of truly wanting to leave every other day. I know that doesn't necessarily sound great but it is better than hearing your husband doesn't want to be with you. He said he has begun to realize that we began to take each other for granted and started to put our needs aside for the sake of the other although neither one of us was asking the other to do that. It is, however, so incredibly hard to live with only part of him as we go through this. I am trying to find strength in myself and my friends but it does get hard. I miss him very much. I so appreciate hearing from someone who has made it through this. I was getting worried that the only people that would understand are divorced meaning this had no hope to work. Thanks again for your support. (By the way, I'm from the US also.:))

[Unregistered]

hello,you know what ..i am going thru exactly the same thing you are..i got married 3 months back..i met my husband in 1996 and had been going out for 4 years..then there was a 2 yar break as he had come off to UK..and we kept in touch thru mails and phone..tho of course the fire dies down when the distance comes in..but then out of commitment..giult..whatever he came back and maried me..
now all he keeps chanting is that he wants his freedom back and that he doent feel love for me anymore..and to top it all..i just discovered last month that he had an affair and he still keeps in touch with her..tho he says they are just good friends now.all i do now is pray daily and wait for a miracle to happen..just like you i used to keep poounding him daily about it..maybe i ll give him space like you did.all i want is for this marriage to work.i do love him.
hope you find happiness too soon.take care and pls let me know if things work out and if you have any furthur advice on how to deal with this..thanks..cathy

[Lisa]

Today I found a letter to my husband from his lover. Yes, his lover. He wasn't just having feelings for that other person. He slept with her. I don't know what to believe anymore. He says he's telling the truth now. That he went over and ended the affair completely tonight. (He says he ended the physical relationship a few weeks ago.) He says he's sorry and he wants to be with me and have our life back. I'm numb. I don't know if I can do it.

[Kate]

Dear Lisa,

I'm sure that after the numbness wears off you will have a whole range of other feelings flooding in. It can be devastating to find out you've been betrayed by your husband in this way.

You will need to acknowledge to yourself and to him that those feelings exist. What's happened can't just be swept under the carpet, but it can be dealt with if you can find it in your heart to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/forgive/) him, to let go on the desire to get revenge.

Looking back at your original posting, it seems to have taken him a while to face up to the decision to tell you the truth, but at least he has now and wants to stand by his commitment and love for you. You can begin to rebuild trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) and a marriage and home where your baby will be happy and loved by both his/her parents. If you can try and get some help to identify what tempted your husband to wander in the first place.

There are some valuable articles about affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) and how we respond to them and what can be done to rebuild after them.

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

lisa-
My story is the same and I'm at the same spot. I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. Our daughter is 1 years old. When I was about 5 months pregnant my husband was acting different. I figured it was the life change coming and I ignored it. The last month of my pregancy he was never around and our sex life stopped. When our daughter was about 6 months old I thought my husband was going through some type of mid life crisis (he is only 31 yrs old). So I convinced him to go to counseling. After 2 months, he told me "I love you but not in love with you." He decided that it was best for me if he moved out. I was in shock. He said that he didn't know what he wanted and needed space to figure it out. I didn't want him to go but I finally gave in thinking he would realize his mistake. He still came over all the time to see your daughter and we where acting like a happy family, but daddy slept somewhere else. It was hard. After 3 months money got tight. We had to make a decision. I told him if he was go to end our 12 yr realtionship that I was going to move closer to my family (5 hours away) I needed support and I didn't have it here anymore. I don't think I'd really do it, at least right away, but it scared him. He didn't think about me but his daughter leaving worried him. We decide that he would move back but he wanted to sleep in the spare room. I didn't know what to say. It has been 1 month now and I still don't know what he really wants.
Its been about 8 months since this started and he has stopped saying "I love you" or giving me a kiss good-bye. It hurts. I know I have to do something,but what?????? I thought we had the perfect realtionship.
New problem....My husband would never cheat ( I know that's what they all say.) But I start questioning it because I'm looking for answers. He has a close "girl" friend and I don't really like her. Not sure why I just don't. He has many "girl" friends but this one I'm questioning. I wonder if maybe something happened. Or maybe he is attracted to her (nothing going on) and wonders what life would be like with her.
Question? I'm very open and would never tell him not to be her friend. But as a wife do I have the right to ask him not to spend time with her. People tell me yes, but won't it make our realtionship worse? Help....
Thank you.

[Lisa]

My husband would never cheat also. And he did. I still can't believe it. However, how does someone who loved you so much and was so in the relationship just stop. I wouldn't believe it until I found a letter from her and he admitted what was going on.

I can't tell you what to do except listen to your heart. Many people told me many things and, although they never said it directly, implied I would be "stupid" to allow him to continue to live in our home the way he was acting. I especially got a lot of that advice once I found out he had an affair even though he was committing to end it and work on the issues that led him to it so it would never happen again. I may be wrong to continue to stay with him but I do love him and I hope I am not wrong to believe in him. Hang in there. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know how you feel. E-mail if you would like.

[Unregistered]

It has been 2 months since I discovered that my husband was having an affair. I just found out two weeks ago that he kept contact with her after he ended the affair. He claimed that he did not continue the romantic relationship but did continue the friendship. I found out that he was still making contact with her and he then told me this. I am really confused, angry and sad about all this. I feel like giving up hope. He says he is 100% dedicated to our relationship now and has "learned a big lesson". I'm very tired. Any advice?

[Kate]

It's not clear whether your husband has really stopped seeing this woman. It would seem that that was a step to prove to you that he is really committed to you and wants to leave his mistakes behind.

But of course that won't heal the wounds you have at once or bring things back to where they were overnight. If you look in the infidelity section (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) there are a number of articles about how people typically respond to affairs and try to rebuild.

One of the keys is to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) him - something which takes time, patience and a lot of determination. The next step is to find ways to rebuild trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) by exploring what that really means for you two as a couple.

I hope some of the articles are helpful - it's not surprising you are so tired - you have been through a lot emotionally and probably not been sleeping well or relaxing. Take care of yourself.

Best wishes

Kate

[Unregistered]

The responses to my posting have been somewhat helpful but I am concerned that a lot of people who post on this site have not been able to "save" their marriage. What is the percentage of marriages that survive infidelity if such a statistic exists. Sometimes I feel very alone.

[Dave]

Take a look at the article (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/monmythart/) on this by Peggy Vaughan. There's lot's to help in our section on Infidelity and Affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/).

To quote an extract, "Conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives."

This suggests that the vast majority of couples can and do survive infidelity.

There is more info on Paggy Vaughan's site (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=31) - having a quick dig around in he statstics, between 55 and 86% of those couples who discussed their affair with their spouse stayed married (discussing the issue helps).

However the bottom line is that there is no place to hide in the statistics - if you really want your relationship to survive the horrendous pressures of an affair you CAN do it - but it hurts like hell, and takes real determination. We'll give you all the help and support we can.