Intimate connection?

[rooski_02]

My wife and I have been married only about a month, dating for 2 1/2 years prior. I love her very much, find her attractive and stimulating. We laugh together, have the same morals, we are great friends, and generally enjoy each others company. But our sex life is terrible. We may have sex only once a month and has almost always been this way. She has had some seriously screwed up past relationships and we decided that was the root of the problem. Until recently she discovered that she does not feel that "intimate connection" to me. She also confided that she has had that "intimate connection" with past relationships, but these relationships were generally abusive and with your typical "bad boy". Her mother died when she was young and she was raised by an alcoholic father who is the ultimate "bad boy". My question to you is can she or does she have the capacity to change her "intimate connection" to me or will she only have that connection for guys like her dad? She kind of understands this but I think deep down she feels that either you have for someone or you don't. Your thoughts.

[Unregistered]

Hi, I'm the author of "Just good friends - but no sex"! the good friend being my husband!

You've only been married a month - why did you do it?

My husband and are Christians (tho I'm not attending church at the moment). Before we got married we had the 6 months of dating and all that goes with it, then a year of hell when we eventually split up. I became a Christian having reached the end of my tether and asked God to help me. We got back together but decided as we were both Chrisitians we wouldn't have sex until we married 22 months later! Ouch! that's all I can say - it was painful and that put me off a little. Once we were back in the swing of things though it was all meant to be great - it never has been. We've never had a proper sex life. I know exactly how you feel. I can't really offer you any advice as I'm going through the same thing at the moment. I can kind of see what your wife is saying about the intimate connection because I feel that's missing between my husband and I.

Hope you sort things out.

[Liz]

Society gives us all sorts of messages that sex should be easy and fun. In fact it's meant to be the celebration and expression of a deep and committed love between a husband and wife. Perhaps some folks just "click", but I think it takes time for most of us to build that intimacy both emotionally and physically and it changes with time and season of life.

You might find some of the resources and books in the Early Years (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthearly/) area of the site, because there are lots of adjustments going on in the first few years of marriage.

Actually making love fully may not be the best measure of how things are going for you. Why not enjoy just exploring what you enjoy, try and talk about what gives each other pleasure, have fun physically without it having to end in full blown love making. Try and be more aware of each other romantically and physically all through the day.

If there is serious baggage from the past then why not seek some help with that with a counsellor. There is no reason why with help, you shouldn't make that real intimate connection with each other and enjoy the intimacy that can be at the heart of a marriage, but don't believe the lie that everyone else has got it all sorted and are having a wild time.

[Unregistered]

I understand totally. Before me and my wife were married, actual sex was very limited. I did ask her if sex would be more plentiful when we got married. Nothing changed. That firey passion that follows marriage never came. Needless to say that the intimacy connection was lost. Throughtout our 7 year marriage, I couldnt understand why, I didn't feel that 100% total intimate love for her. After a while, I began to understand that it was because she would never enguage in sex except a few times a month, and we were newelyweds.......I burned for the passion. I would always try to be playful with her, and she always turned me down. She finally told me that she hated me touching her sexually throught out the day. I was just being playful and funloving. Slowly I withdrew and became a shell of a person intimately. Today I dont' even find her sexually attractive..I feel so guilty, but its not all my fault....WE are in counseling now and we have addressed the issue. She said that sex is not a priorty of hers. She is a business woman all the way and a career woman. I love her with all my heart, but now its like best friends. But that intimate connection has never been made. I feel like my whole life now will just be coasting and never enjoy what my dreams. She is so right brained and I'm totally left brained. I love being adventureous and she is straight and narrow. She wont touch herself or anything, limiting any adventure we may could have. I'm at the end of my rope. Great friends, but soul mates we are not......