Fed up with my hubby - bit long sorry

[Zarra_hopkins]

Hello People,

I am new here; I just thought you might be able to help me.


My husband owns his own business it's growing in size all the time, but it's got to the stage where I never see him as he is always at work. I am always at home as we decided we were financially in a position to do so to look after our baby who is now 10 months old.

The problem I have if he doesn’t believe I understand the pressure he is under, but I do, i'm always trying to help and I try my hardest not to moan about him never being at home, because it’s just more stress for him to deal with. But at the same time I feel he doesn’t understand my situation.

I ask him to look after our son when I’m tired and he says no, and I should get a nanny if I’m not coping, but I am coping with my son, it’s just I would like a break from playing mother once in a while. He feels that he is the breadwinner and that I have to everything else, I understand that if i’m a home all day long I can do the cooking and cleaning, I don’t have a problem wit that, I have a problem with never having a break from it, and if I really moan about it he’ll do something but then he resents me for asking him to do it, when I should be doing it as I’m home all day.

It’s driving me mad.

When I gave birth to Luke I was ill, but he still never helped me, I had to call his mum to come and help me, which in a way has caused problems there too. I fell down the stairs and twisted my ankle, I couldn’t walk on it, but still he didn’t help me, he just went back to sleep, while I struggled to get down the stairs caring our son.

If I try and talk to him about these things, he always tells me I don’t understand what he’s going through and I should be grateful for him working so hard so I can have my car and my house, but all I want is him, I would live in shoe box if I had to, I don’t need expensive things to make me happy, to me it’s the little things that count, like offering to look after our son instead of me making him do it, for him to make a dinner once a while. But he doesn’t understand, and I can’t make him understand, he just gets upset and I’ve dumped on him yet again, and given him more stress to deal with.

I just hate the situation, this has been going on since Luke was born, and because he’s always at work, the only time I have to spend with him, is late in the evening so I either stay up all night (but still have to get up at 5 for son) or be woken up in the early hours so we can talk, but we just argue about the same stupid stuff, and it’s now to the point where I have had enough, I’m on anti depression pills to help me cope with everything.

What can I do?
Some one help me!!!!!!
Please

[Liz]

Dear Zarra,

Your story brings back memories of some of the things we struggled with when we started our family. We had different perceptions of what was going on and it was easy to get defensive.

I expect it matters a lot to your husband to be the bread-winner - it may well be part of how he calculates his self worth, but he may also feel trapped by all the time and energy it takes. There may be no one saying to him, "Well done." He comes home and, although I can tell you're trying really hard to be supportive, the sense of "It's still not good enough," still creeps in. I used to find it very hard not to focus on what was wrong with life, rather on what was good and that used to communicate itself to my husband in so many subtle ways.

One day I was able to say to him, how much I appreciated the fact that I was free to stay at home and look after the family and that all his hard work was a gift to me. He was overwhelmed and really affirmed, and somehow that freed him up to choose to be more supportive, because he didn't judge I was "on at him" all the time. It gave meaning to the hard slog of work.

Another thing you could consider is booking a bit of time away together. Find someone to look after your son and get away for a weekend break. you could either just booka hotel or, even better, book onto a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) and spend the weekend re-discovering the specialness of your love for each other. David and I did a Marriage Encounter weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/) when our eldest was 2 and the next one on the way. Life had really changed when we started a family and it really helped to get life in perspective and to help us to pull together and share what was really importnant to us with each other.

Hope that gives you a few ideas.

All the best

Liz

[Zarra_hopkins]

Liz,

Just wanted to say thanks, I have already put into action what you suggested and my husband has been most helpful now.

Now i have an even bigger problem.....

Thanks again

zarra