Need advice from women

[Kipman]

I need some serious advice. I'm a male (31) who's been married to my wife (25) and we had a very rocky first year of marriage. She had never been away from her parents, was in a strange town, and things were difficult. The adjustment was really tough and she seemed to start fights with me that would last until the wee hours for any little thing. A lot of it was due to her childhood (according to her counselor). She didn't see her parents as much as most kids and they bought and spoiled her to make up for it. Well, after months enless fighting, i couldn't take it anymore. We both love each other intensely. She and i are very devoted individuals, and i think that's what upset me the most. We separated after less than a year of marriage. And tried again shortly after. I was still hurt and kept her at a distance the second time and it just went back to the way it was. I then decided that this could not work. Divorce was inevitable. We have been separated now 5 months and haven't had very much contact. I told her i had to be on my own and heal. She begged and pleaded with me for the first few month to work things out. I refused. Now, the last month or so she has quit calling so much, wrote me a letter telling me she was going to move on, and was very nice about the whole thing. Then a couple of weeks later, something in me snapped. All of a sudden I miss her like crazy, I want to work things out together. I've never been so miserble. And to make it worse, she tells me she doesn't know if she can do it. She tells me she needs to be on her own. And that we would have to go ahead and get divorced and become friends again. This is a 180 degree turnaround from the girl i married. What can I do to get her back? I waited too long. Any adivice from women would be greatly appreciated. I feel as though i can't live without her.

[Liz]

Some women might say it serves you right, but it sounds as though you've both got yourselves into a muddle, which so many of us do.

The first few years are a challenge, because two individuals, who have been brought up by the present culture to look out for themselves have got to adjust to putting each others needs and wishes first. You have obviously had the added problem of strong family ties to deal with. Some people find it hard in the traditional terms to "leave and cleave", leaving the old family and setting up a new one.

It's sad that you weren't able to find your way through your difficulties or find support from people around you. Certainly you need to find a more constructive way to handle conflict in the future. Conflict isn't a bad thing if we learn how to resolve it. There are some articles (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/) on the site which may help.

It would be silly to go through divorce and "start again" that way, but your wife has put her finger on something here, that you do need to make a fresh start and build up your friendship and trust. Try courting again, ask her out, try to find common interests that you can share. Above all be patient and gentle. I dare say an apology for some of the mistakes you've made in the past would be welcome too. She may well be very hurt that you rejected her overtures and confused that you've suddenly changed.

It's hard to tell from just the few sentences that you've written, but what strikes me as a woman in what you have written is that it all revolves around you. You want her back because you can't live without her, you've suddenly realised that you've lost someone and it hurts. How about wanting her back, because you want to care for her, cherish her, help her or even because you made vows and commitments to her that you want to keep. If I was in her shoes and it was all about what you wanted, I wouldn't be very reassured about our future together!