boring sex

[Unregistered]

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. Sex in the marriage has always been infrequent and very basic and routine. There was never that bliss that followed marriage. I wanted sex to be so much more, very seductive, enjoyable, adventurous and so not routine. She refuses to explore most anything sexually, except our routine once every 1 or 2 weeks. She admits that she has a low sex drive and that sex is not much on her priority list. The problem comes in that my sexual interest and intimacy in her is now all but gone. We are seeing a counselor now. The counselor wanted to know what was wrong with her and why can't she enjoy what comes natural. This feeling of not being interested intimately in my wife scares me. I feel so guilty. Every time I would suggest something new or different she always refuses. Am I wrong to want more out of our sex life and bring us closer together. Without this closeness I have lost alot of feelings for her over the past several years...What NOW!!!!!!

[wife]

[Paragraph deleted and following ones edited]

Maybe if you spent more time withme, doing fun things with me, I would open up to you sexually. Maybe if you stopped trying to treat me like a whore I would respond your kindness. Maybe if you would kiss me during sex and make it "lovemaking," maybe I would begin to take an interest in giving you oral sex and trying new positions/things. Here, how about for starters you treat me like I am the most wonderful person on earth. Maybe you never really tried.

Wifey

[Dave]

Dear Wifey - I have edited the post below - this board is a place where people can come to find encouragement, support and help - we will not tolerate verbal abuse.

Dear Hubby - Turning to the actual issue, it is not that uncommon that a husband and wife will have different interest in, and appetite for, lovemaking. Indeed there is much truth in what Wifey has said that many of the barriers and issues are not to do with sex per se, but with our attitudes to each other. Cherishing each other, seeing the other as the most important person in the world, romancing and wooing are a vital set of behaviours and attitudes.

There's a really good article in the Marital First Aid Kit (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/index14.html) on handling some of these challenges.

Dave

[Wifey]

I posted exactly the things my husband says he would like from me to make our sex life not "boring."

This is an insult to nice women/good women who have men who are trying to escape showing their emotional/intimate self. I won't have it. I would rather divorce than lay with another woman to "please" him. What about me? Am I really getting what I need? Is it all about the man? I think not.

[Wifey]

I am sick of men who complain about the wife's sex being boring. It takes two. She is not in that bed alone. Presentation is everything when asking for different things.

Could it be he stopped trying to please her? Is this the point where men excuse theirselves for having an ow because of boredom in the bedroom?

I am not trying to be digusting but is it that a man still has a functioning penis, bored with the ole missionary long term marriage, and now wondering how to please ole one eyed wonder worm?

The way he posted on this forum is offensive to some women, as if he has nothing to do with her lax sex style. sheesh.

He has a right to ask questions that offend women, but I answer truthfully about what he really wants and I get zapped? Free speech? What's that? Oh, that is for men only. I forgot.

[Wifey]

f

[Dave]

Hello Wifey

Well you seem to have had a busy time posting!

I think if you look back at my posting, you will find that I am agreeing with the essence of what you are saying - I only argued with the vituperative style of expression.

The core I hear in your postings is that lovemaking should be a natural expression of the intimacy between two people deeply committed to each other in marriage. I agree; indeed in many cases differences in desire are not a sign of different sexual attitutes, but are a barometer of underlying issues in the relationship. That's why I focussed the on the need for cherishing and care for each other first.

I also agree that the kind of demanding vulgar language you illustrated in your first posting, and which I edited out, are indeed a form of verbal abuse - a sign that there are all sorts of misguided abuses of power going on in the relationship. When sex is used as a weapon it is because something that should be a beautiful celebration is being distorted into a lie based on physical self-gratification. Such distortion is just as offnsive to men as to women, though sadly I agree that men are more frequently the perpetrators.

The key to changing this is to see the other as more important than self. One way I find that helps is for me to picture my beautiful wife as she walked down the aisle to marry me, and to recall the love and commitment in her eyes. Seeing those eyes in that way, illuminated with love, makes it very hard to then look at her with a selfish heart.

Dave