Post marriatal jitters is that possible

[Unregistered]

In June of this year my boyfriend of 9 years asked me to marry him. We have a daughter together and have had open conversations about marriage. Over the 9 years he said that it had to be a gut feeling. Well on my Birthday in June he asked me to marry him. We were then married in July of this year. Before the wedding and immediately following we were happy. We went to Las Vegas on a business trip with out our children and when we returned. He started going out and staying out. He went out 4 times in one week. He does go out but not that often.

Alot of things have happened since we got married. My mother was laid off, my sister moved in with us, my niece moved in with my mother. I was robbed by gun point.

Last week he told me he was not ready to be married.

I am at lost. I have been trying to talk it through with him to gain understanding. But he keeps saying the same thing. What should I do?

[Kate]

Your husband seems to work on his intuition and feelings. These are not always the best things on their own for making decisions. When folk have lived together for a long time, they have got used to the dynamics of "living together". The commitment at such times is different - your man didn't know whether he was ready to make a commitment until his gut feeling was right. In marriage there has to be a different type of commitment. marriage is really about committing for better for worse and for life. it's not a contact that we opt out of if things go wrong or if the other person lets us down, like cohabitation. It's always been about consenting to commit exclusively to each other for life through good and bad.

That’s the decision he made with his guts and now he's trying to back out of it and say he's not ready - he's as ready as he chooses to be, because marriage is also about choosing to love even when the feelings aren't too positive.

You could try asking him what it is that he thinks has changed since you married? Does he think he lacks some skill in being married? Does he think he's lost his freedom or identity?

I just wonder if there is someone he could talk to about marriage or a book he could read just to help him get his mind around what it is he's taken on. you might look in our marriage preparation section (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preself/) and Adjusting to married life (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffadjust/) to see if there's anything you could look at together, to try to understand what it is you've committed to.