marriage

[maiden]

there must be someone who can advice me, surely after 18years together we shouldn't just give up without a fight there must be something we can do to try and put this right, after all he loved me once didn't he so how do i get him to love me again

[Unregistered]

After 18 years and 4 children together you must be left wondering well what was it all about, surely you at least deserve some understanding of why, well maybe you are thinking has he ever loved me but surely he did after all you have been through together so it can't just stop now can it, but he says it has. Hard to get anyone just to change but I guess you really at least need to know why. Can you get the chance to talk together and listen properly to each other. Hard to really give advice on this maiden but I really hope you can reconcile things somehow or if not come to terms with it. Best wishes Rab.

[Kate]

Dear Maiden,

I agree that you shouldn't just give up. Love and marriage are about more than just feeling "in love". They are about working through the difficulties and remaining committed to each other. However, your husband obviously wants more from your marriage than he thinks he has been getting recently. It takes both of you committed to make things really work, but what you can do now is to stand firm in your belief that your marriage and family life are important and that you believe things can work. Is it possible for you to meet up with your husband to talk things through? Try to listen to what his underlying concerns are and see if he is willing to seek help with you through counselling.

There are a number of articles on the site which you may find helpful, such as one about love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/loveis/) and one about feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/feelings/). A number of people on the forum have found Michele Weiner-Davis's book, The Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/) very helpful.

Best wishes

Kate

:)

[maiden]

my husband says that he doesnt know why when or what he fell out of love with so how does he know that he has, i want to try and put this right but dont know where to start he says he has alot to think about i want to try again but he says he doesnt know if he can is there any hope for us

[Unregistered]

You are being there for your husband maiden and that will be very hard for him to lose, keep talking, keep listening, keep loving, keep hoping, I'm sure the experts will give you proper advice but the rest of us can say a prayer, best wishes once again, Rab

[maiden]

we have been apart for 10weeks now and he says i am not worth fighting for and when he looks at me he feels nothing, we have 4 kids and he says his number 1 priority is him , he has lost everything and doesn't seem to care, he says he has grown apart from the kids well thats probably cos he was always at work, its like he has no idea what he is doing or done to me and the kids and yet i still love him and want him back, where do i go from here

[Unregistered]

have you been for counselling maiden, that will help you through this, also has your husband tried counselling either for himself or together with you, if you are able to influence. you are such rock maiden, i'm sure your husband knows that somewhere inside himself, i hope he becomes aware of it for himself and rediscovers what he really has in you and your kids, you all deserve to be back as a family, my heart goes out to you and i continue to pray, Rab

[maiden]

it has been 3months now since he left, he has moved into a house with a short lease on it and he is now saying i am not worth fighting for and he has given up on me, he told his dad he was never coming back but a few weeks later when i asked him he said never say never, he spends more time with me now than when he was here and says he misses me at night and in the morning, he gives me a kiss and a cuddle whenever he leaves and we are comfortable in each others company what do i do now do i just wait or move on

[Kate]

Dear Maiden,

What do you really want to do? It sounds as if you still wish you could rebuild your marriage - if so then perhaps it's worth giving your man some more time, especially as you seem to be getting on so well when he is there. There are no guarantees that he will eventually want to come back, but if you give up now - will you regret it in the future? Only you can answer those questions.

All the best

Kate

[maiden]

what i really want to do is save my marriage, what i dont understand is why he has given up on me and says i am not worth fighting for, i am prepared to wait as long as it takes to put this right

[maiden]

what i really want is for him to tell me y i am not worth it and y he has given up on me but when i ask him he says he doesnt no, thats what he said when he said he dont love me nemore i asked what he had fallen out of love with and when and why and he said he dont no, he says he dont no if we cdan sort things out, his life seems to b full of dont no's at the moment, can neone suggest what might b going on in his head and his heart

[Unregistered]

From his behaviour it would appear that he cares about you deeply but for whatever reason is very confused about his own life and feelings. If you are now more relaxed together and less immediate pressure can you get him to open up with you, to chat and really listen to each other, it could be like the beginning of a new realationship. I have followed your story Maiden because I am similarly confused in my own life, you could easily be my wife writing the things you write but I think direct comparisons can be dangerous. What I can say is that I wish my wife would be able to listen to me and my needs. Anyway I wish you well, Rab.

[maiden]

i sit and listen to him tell me how he wont fight for me and hes given up on me and after 21yrs i dont no y but i have been asked if he is having a midlife crisis well i dont no but if he is i will support him through it i just want us to b together again if that is possible i love him still, he said he thinks our love got lost and it was like a whole puzzle and then someone came along and started taking the pieces out but he doesnt no which pieces r missing i hope we can find them and start to put them back and then maybe we can start to sort this out, thank you for replying i hope you can sort yours out too

[Unregistered]

You sound so strong maiden, your husband will appreciate your strength and patience. Maybe the picture has just been changing over the years and you haven't quite adapted to the new picture (images perhaps) of yourselves and of each other. Maybe listen to what your husband sees in himself and then he can see what his needs are and how you fit in, meanwhile don't forget about your own needs, you need to be listened to too, by your husband or by friends, I'm sure writing it down here helps too. I am having counselling, it is like a sanctuary in my life, definately helping. Once again very best wishes to you maiden, Rab.

[maiden]

hubby says we need to b friends and by that he means comfortable in each others company, i can understand what he is saying but when he comes round to c the children he is staying longer and longer, the two small children go to bed at 8 and he stayed for another two hours last night when he left he gave me a cuddle and then kissed me goodbye does this mean he is feeling more comfortable or am i reading to much into this

[Unregistered]

so he is staying longer with you, not just to see the kids because he is enjoying time with you after they have gone to bed and it is nice for him and he is caring about you. Maybe he is feeling more comfortable, are you more comfortable, what does more comfortable really mean I wonder. Maybe too comfortable can be dangerous, start getting taken for granted maybe. If you are relaxed together are you able to communicate each others feelings. Regards, Rab

[maiden]

he says he thinks our love got lost what does he mean and can it be found again he has moved into a house of his own and i am scared that this is really the end he says he doesnt want a divorce because its to much hassle

[Unregistered]

he thinks your love got lost, so does he miss your love, how much does he miss it, is it worth looking for ..., no wonder you are scared maiden, more like terrified of some of the answers, wonder whether your Husband has the answers, he sounds so confused himself, he has made space for himself, he will know at some point what he really wants, you have been so strong for him maiden, he must be very confused indeed not to see what he might be losing, I will pray that you both find what you really want, as you know I am equally confused but in different circumstances, I wish you well, Rab

[maiden]

i have just found out that my husband is seeing a woman from work for the last six weeks so it took him 10weeks to get over me he says he doesnt love her and he also says he does not see the rush for us to divorce i feel like a part of me has died and i dont no what to do

[Unregistered]

You sound devastated maiden. You have been so strong hoping for your husband back but now I think it is important that you are strong for yourself. Please look after yourself maiden you deserve much better than the way you have been treated. Your husband is responsible for his own behaviour you are bound to feel a terrible loss but he has done it to himself, you are worth it, it is his own fault if he can't see that, please try hard to look after yourself. In my thoughts and prayers, as always, Rab.

[maiden]

we r all devastated and i have just found out from my two small children aged 7 and 8 that they no longer feel that their dad loves them even though i have told them that he does, they want him to come back and they want to tell him how they feel when they see him but they r frightened of hurting him which is something they r feeling right now, i dont think i realised how much they were hurting until tonight, should i try and get them to talk to their dad and tell him how they feel

[Unregistered]

I don't know maiden. Children need to be protected but they also have the right to honesty and to be listened too. It is about their relationship with their father, maybe let him know what you see them going through and see if he wants to reconcile something with them. Maybe the experts / moderators can offer some proper advice. Best wishes, Rab.

[Dave]

Hi Maiden (and Rab)

Well Rab asked if there's any advice available - the simple advice is "Keep talking" - let the children express their feelings, their fears and frustrations - it's so much more healthy than bottling them up, and they will build a deep bond with you as they do so.

There's a good book called "Where's Daddy? (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/wheresdaddy/)" which might really help you to think through the issues.

Hang in there

Dave

[maiden]

today is our 19th wedding anniversary and i am feeling very down and alone can neone tell me y the man i have been with for the last 21yrs feels that i am not worth fighting for and how do i prove that i am

[Unregistered]

First of congratulations Maiden on 19 years of marriage, that is a wonderful achievement and I know you want it to continue, which is why you are feeling so down on what should be a very happy day for you. You say he doesn't find you worth fighting for, well whatever he is going through he just doesn't seem able to summon the strength or whatever he needs to reconcile things in his life. You on the other hand have been the strong one, always there for him and maybe doing all the fighting for both of you, you must be worn out, no wonder you are shattered and yet this is so important to you that you keep finding the energy to battle on, I wish you well with that and my prayers will be with you, once again hearty congratulations, try to give yourself a smile for that, best wishes, Rab.

[maiden]

what do i do now he has got a girlfriend someone he works with do i divorce him or wait and see what happens with her, he says they have done nothing to be ashamed of but i feel dirty and humiliated he could have waited longer to find someone else did i really mean that little to him for him to have found someone else so soon, what if this relationship is just a fling and doesnt last and he then decides i am worth fighting for do i take him back or what wishful thinking i know but i will never stop loving him and will spend the rest of my life alone

[Unregistered]

you mentioned earlier that it felt like a part of you had died, so you have recognised to yourself that you are experiencing a terrible loss, it is almost worse than if he had died because he is hurting you be preferring to be with someone else, how awful that he can't put you and your lovely children first but that is his choice, for whatever reasons he has but how can you change or influence that, if you can't then you have to somehow let go and come to terms with your loss, that is so hard and you will probably need help, best friend or counselling maybe. My thoughts and prayers remain with you. Best wishes Rab.

[maiden]

i have spoken to him today and he says the relationship he is having now is alright but he has a sad look in his eyes and the sparkle seems to have gone i wont divorce him yet i still love him i will wait and see what happens next

[Unregistered]

sort of putting yourself on-hold for a while, meanwhile take care of your own self esteem, you have done so well to cope with this and it is not your fault, keep your spirits up maiden, you deserve a happy outcome, best wishes Rab.

[maiden]

i asked him if he missed our love and he said sometimes i think i need to ask him when and i need to no if he is ever coming back

[Unregistered]

he keeps giving you a flicker of hope and you think you need to know if it's a realistic hope, at least if you are talking about it he hasn't completely given up on you. You are very courageous to hang in Maiden, good luck Rab

[maiden]

what do i do keep holding on or divorce him

[Unregistered]

Maiden

You need to work out what you want!!! I know I want my wife back but she seems content on not reparing/saving our marriage.

work it out in your head then lay plans to make this happen

Read the Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/) or go to Divorcebusting.com, lots of good advice there too

[maiden]

i want him back and so do the two smaller children but the older children 16 and 17 think he has had all the chances he deserves they say it should be him making the effort now not me im caught in the middle cos they will tell me but wont tell their dad how they feel in case they hurt him, he has a girlfriend and they dont like it much they havnt met her and their dad didnt tell them about her but they think they know who it is and they cant understand why he would rather be with her than me i know they are just trying to make me feel better but it hurts that he found somebody else so quick i thought i ment more than that to him

[Unregistered]

Maiden

I read your words and know you are suffering. I believe you need to work on yourself and make your mind up on this marriage.

I sense that you want it to work but you are in the same situation as me in trying to find the solutions to making it work.

The first step is to make a decision that you do want it back, then make all the effort in establishing a plan to make that happen. again I have to refer you to divorce remedy, it is packed with plans/steps that will help guide you.


Sorry that you are hurting


Regards

[Unregistered]

I guess you are asking yourself over and over "what should I do", maybe you would prefer the decision was taken away from you and in some ways it has because your husband is making his choices but tantalisingly leaving you that glimmer of hope, like he is keeping his own options open, it is hard to let go Maiden, only you can decide, thoughts and prayers with you as always, best wishes, Rab

[maiden]

is it time for a divorce or to carry on as we r for now i dont know if he is still seeing this other woman

[Unregistered]

hi maiden, you are still wondering what is really going on for your husband and what the possibilities might be but meanwhile your life seems to be on hold or something like that, maybe wose because of the feelings, I hope you can move yourself forward maiden, you sound so stuck, do you have someone close or a counsellor to help, you have been very strong throughout all this though, very grown up and that is not easy so I hope when you wish to that you can make the right decisions for yourself and your family, my prayers are with you, best wishes Rab

[maiden]

i think i have made my decission already i dont want a divorce and i dont want to give up on us, when he came round today the kids were concerned that he didnt look to well, they want me to text him to make sure he is alright but i dont know whether to or not i am quite worried about him as he has no money either thats y he stayed at my house today and i cooked his dinner

[Unregistered]

you are fantastic maiden, you deserve your husband back and I hope he comes to his senses quickly now and realises it ... how ever long you have to wait for him I hope you will continue to be strong for yourself and your kids, even in difficult circumstances try to find some fun and happiness, that might also make you and the kids more appealling for your husband to come back to - everyone likes to share happiness, good luck maiden, warmest regards Rab

[maiden]

i want to txt my husband and ask him if we r over forever or if things could change in the future, i want to know if he is in love with this other woman but im afraid of the reply that i might get what is the best thing to do

[Unregistered]

you really fear the answer you might get and yet if he replies to say "no not in love with other woman" will you know where you stand, will you believe it, what you really want is your husband in love with you, you are hoping he is temporarily distant and will come back close to you again soon. Your strength is quite vulnerable when faced with a reality thats so hard to face but you don't know the reality you are in, it must be so hard to see where you are and what is realistic for you, i know you are hanging in maiden and keeping your spirits alive for the outcome you want, whether to ask the question is up to you of course but try not to fear the truth of your own realities, you will have a good life ahead whatever the outcome of this, keep strong for yourself and your kids and hopefully your husband too, you are such a gem i hope he comes back to you, thoughts and prayers are with you, Rab

[maiden]

sadly not enough of a gem, yesterday he told me we are over forever

[Unregistered]

that he can't see it doesn't stop you being a gem maiden but i hope you can see that for yourself, you didn't deserve this, i don't know whether you are coming to terms or still holding on to hopes, it sounded final the way you said it, please keep strong maiden for yourself and your kids, wish i could help more but write here if you want, there are a lot of listeners and people who care, best wishes Rab

[maiden]

thankyou for helping me with this, i do think this is finally the end but who knows what the future holds

[Unregistered]

hope some of it helped maiden, i know i go on a bit at times, which i'm sure i do for my own benefit as much as yours probably but folks do care and thats what keeps us all going at times (ie also because we have the capacity to care about others), once again good luck, Rab.

[maiden]

asked hubby to look after kids longer so i could go out, he said he wont do it so i can go and find someone else but he doesnt want me nemore so why would that bother him

[Unregistered]

I guess your hubby is the only one who might know the answer, I also guess not easy for either of you to let go feelings and some habits and hence that this question about your hubby's behaviour is still important to you, are you in some way testing him by asking him to look after kids while go out on the pull, maybe to see if he can really just let you go like that, if so then you would be looking for signs that he can't let you go, maybe I'm looking too much into that but see what you think for yourself maiden, best wishes once again Rab

[maiden]

i dont know maybe your right, he wont look after them though so does that mean he is finding it hard to let, i have arranged for a babysitter instead of him, am i being to hard,

[Unregistered]

I get the impression that as you reflect on your actions it is about the effect on your husband rather than looking at your own needs as the priority. You would be hard on yourself if you did not get a babysitter in order to go out, your husband has made his own choices and if he feels hurt watching you take control of your life then he has brought that on himself but it will be difficult for you to know what is behind his behaviour and how much should that matter to you now, I guess at what point do you really let go of that emotional attachment, that is the hard bit and not easy, best wishes Rab

[maiden]

thought i'd let you know how things are going, 7 months down the line i have an appointment with a solicitor, and i have joined an online dating agency, dont know whether that makes me sad or what

[Unregistered]

no i don't think it's sad maiden, it's courageous and positive to take control of your own life, be good to yourself maiden my thoughts are with you, love Rab

[Unregistered]

Maiden, Have you looked at the stuff online about a book called,"stop your divorce"? The free info (http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/sample1.htm) about the basics of the philosophy involved are empowering, and a LOT to think about. It really has some DIFFERENT advice, that's for sure, whether you can use it with your current relationship or not. It helped me in a lot of ways, but I don't know if I'm emotionally strong enough to try it...maybe in baby-steps? There is another book that I recently read from our library...but I know it's available and relatively current, called "The Dance of Anger" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/dance/). It's geared toward a woman's anger, and has some very useable "stuff" in it, also. It isn't a long book, at all. Both of the books touch on the concept that if you persue, they will withdraw. So....when we withdraw, it is a surprise. The Dance of Anger book also talks about how in a lot of relationships(marital) there is one person who overfunctions and the other who underfunctions. I think it also talks about mother/child relationships, also. My husband seemed to regress as the guys entered high-school. By being "one of them" he tries to avoid being the "one in charge", and set limits. It's weird, the super-quantities of teen-type snack foods he brings home, where in the past he never gained a pound, he has a big gut now. At least the kids will outgrow it!

[maiden]

this may sound silly but i am feeling scared and alone i dont know if i can do this without him, i joined an online dating agency and feel that everyone i talk too is laughing at me

[Unregistered]

hi maiden, maybe dating is not really for you just yet, you know you can't just replace someone and if you are not over the loss of your husband or still clinging to hopes then you will not have the trust you need in yourself or someone else for a new relationship. Do you have some good friends or people you really trust to develop friendships, maybe concentrate on yourself and your kids, have some treats and start feeling good again, as always my thoughts are with you, best wishes Rab

[maiden]

not sure i can trust anyone anymore, my friends were his friends and they dont come round anymore, thought joining an agency would help me make friends but finding it very hard to talk to people

[Unregistered]

I wonder if some of your friends just feel awkward and maybe think you want to be alone, maybe you are giving out those kind of signals, like please stay away from me, not necessarily intentionally or even conciously but when you are feeling that kind of loss then you will find it hard to trust yourself maybe you are afraid and maybe not easily approachable, you will know which bits apply to you maiden, but your real friends do value your friendship very much so do reach out and let true friends be along side you. Most of all try to relax and be first and foremost your own best friend, learn to trust yourself again and very soon the rest of the world will start to fall in to place, be patient though and build your confidence at your own pace. You are the only one who can do that for yourself maiden but you know you deserve that for yourself so go for it!! as always Rab

[maiden]

this is so hard i am so alone the dating thing is just one rejection after another i dont feel good enough for anyone any more

[Unregistered]

you want to be loved and it seems like you are trying to find a quick fix but in doing so you are setting yourself up for rejection each time, even though the fact that you are not what these guys are looking for is anything at all to do with you being good enough. Anyway maiden I would say you need to love yourself first and look for friends rather than dates, if you need new friends then join some class or group where you can meet people, I'm sure you can do very well. best wishes Rab

[maiden]

still feeling lonely having problems with young son at school getting into fights he says he is angry with his dad but cant tell him what do i do for the best

[Unregistered]

Hi maiden, do you have someone close to talk to from time to time, we all need a listening ear, well you can always chat to me on here too, not the same of course as having face to face contact with someone you trust. Supporting your son is important too and you will provide each other with mutual companionship, help each other through this and you will be drawn even closer together, every cloud has a silver lining. Looking ahead can you make some opportunities for social contacts which will be nice for you, where you will be valued and enjoy yourself for who you are. You have been through so much and I really hope things work out nicely for you maiden, my thoughts and prayers with you as always, Rab.

[maiden]

do i tell his dad how he feels or wait its hard to know what to do for the best, to be honest given up on myself

[Unregistered]

if you have given up on yourself then this will rub off on your son's behaviour, making him more angry for what his dad has done to you and perhaps he needs your love more than ever and is not getting it. Basically maiden you simply can't give up! Your own behaviour is all part of getting through your loss but as soon as you can you need to come out the other side and rebuild your own self esteem, you know you are worth it, you and your deserve to have a nice life ahead. What else can I say maiden, I hope you can do it, it will be so tragic if you don't, you only have one life and this is an experience which has happened to you and you can survive it and enjoy the rest of your life. Keep going girl!! love Rab

[maiden]

can you tell me how i can ever build another relationship after finding out i am a failure after 21 years with the same man, why did he not think i was worth fighting for

[Unregistered]

he thought you were worth it for 21 years, i don't call that a failure! Yes marriage is for life but you can't blame yourself that your hubby was not strong enough for you. Life will provide each of us with a set events to deal with, some are tragic but we do have the capacity to come through maiden and you do to. love Rab

[maiden]

my ex has basically just told our older 2 kids he wants nothing more to do with them, he has just broken their hearts for a 2nd time, i now have to pick them up again how much more hurt can they take

[Unregistered]

that is so hard, more than ever your kids need your love maiden, they will be feeling insecure and at the same time you are going through it too but you can be there for them, good luck Rab

[maiden]

am i asking to much for a bloke to just ask me what i want instead of just wanting to jump into bed with me they seem to think thats all i'm worth

[Unregistered]

but maiden, you know your worth a lot more than that, so don't wait for some bloke to ask you what you want, ask yourself what you want. I think once you treat yourself well then you will shine too and maybe some bloke who has enough value in himself to be able to treat you with value too will come along but don't rush it maiden, be patient and enjoy yourself in the meanwhile, take care Rab

[Unregistered]

maiden, if you want to you can write to me at Rab_cares@hotmail.com

I can offer friendship but only if you want to maiden, love Rab