Knowing your husband

[Helen]

I have been married for 12 months to a man I love very much it has come to light during the last three months that he is heavily into porn, internet and dvds, this upsets me and I have tried to talk to him about it. He says Im prudish and refuses to stop, what I believe is an addiction.

I dont want my marriage to end but I am really struggling to come to terms with why he needs to look at young women on the internet and feel its because of me, that I am inadequate in some way. I now dont know which way to turn. Can anyone help.

[confused_husband]

Don't blame yourself, most men struggle with this, myself included. In the 80s I was able to control it better because it was more difficult to get. Now it is available everywhere, you don't need to leave your home. I am better able to control it now since I met the Holy Spirit. It is very difficult for men to overcome porn. The best thing you could do is talk to him and understand it is an addiction. Tell him you want to help satisfy him and work with him to wean him off it. As a man you get sensitized to it and constantly need harder stuff for the same thrill. Try to be supportive and offer to watch with him and while doing so point out how fake the people are and that what you have together is much better. You are not inadequate, but he may be looking for more intimacy. Talking to him about it and praying for his deliverance are the best thing you can do. I hope this helps.

[Helen]

Thank you for your words of wisdom, I have tried to talk to him but not getting very far.!! would find it most difficult to offer to watch with him. You see his brother isa trainee vicor and very much into pornograph, I feel this is beyond belief and that I have married into a most strange family. H.

[Kate]

Dear Helen,

There is a good site run by Focus on the Family (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=69), which gives insights and support to people in your situation. There is also a whole section on the site on internet addictions (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/).

As you say looking at this stuff becomes an addiction and the person drawn in doesn't want to admit it might be hurting themselves or the one they love. You are not being prudish - you want the intimacy, closeness and love that is intended for marriage!

Best wishes

Kate

[Helen]

dear Kate

thank you for your reply, it is most difficult to know how to approach this subject with my husband. If I try to raise it he gets angry and aggressive and feels challenged. I really just want him to stop and be aware of the hurt and pain he is causing me.

Best wishes Helen

[Liz]

Dear Helen,

I wonder if you might find it easier to write things down. Tell him how you feel emotionally at the thought of him looking at this stuff. Try to phrase it in terms of "When I know you've looked at this stuff I feel.." rather than saying "You make me feel...". That means that you are trying not to blame him for the way you feel. You could also share your self doubts and judgements - that you are somehow failing him sexually, that you judge he must think you un-attractive.. whatever the judgements are. Try and tell him how you want your love-making to be, what is important to you, what you value, what he does that makes it special for you. Perhaps you could ask him to share in the same way by writing things down. It's sometimes easier to write things down, because you can choose your words with care and express things gently. You are more likely to complete what you have to say honestly because you're not being interrupted either verbally or by his reaction.

The fact that he is getting angry and is obviously challenged is probably a good sign because it means his conscience about things is still tender enough for you to reach. It is hard when our loved one reccts defensively - we may want to back off and restore peace at any price, but it is better if you can to stand firm and loving, reassuring him calmly that you love him, but that this issue needs to be faced together.

I do hope you can find a way forward through this awful situation.

All the best

Liz