Good friends - just no sex

[Unregistered]

My husband and I have been together nearly 9 years (married for 5). I'm 37 and my husband is 43

I always had a healthy sexual appetite before we met and for the first 6 months of our relationship we were always at it, but he always said "sex isn't everything" to which I replied "no but it is important". We've always had problems in our marriage but the biggest is our non-existent sex life. He just has no labido at all. He says he fancies me - and without being big headed - plenty of men appear to find me appealing. That's where the problems start. I can go without sex or sexual attention for a long time but then I get frustrated and start to flirt with men just to boost my self esteem and it makes me feel like a woman. I've recently met a man and there's a mutual attraction and a lot of sexual tension (which my husband has never shown). The other man has just gone through a divorce and has problems of his own but we do want to have a relationship of some sort. My husband and I have no children but have talked about a family which I was sure I wanted, but now I don't think I can make that commitment when I feel I want to be with someone else. I feel children will complicate life too much.

I have suggested if he doesn't want me then he should let me have discreet sex with other men - he flatly refuses this.

We have been getting on very well well for a couple of years now but really just as good friends and companions. We like to spend time buying things for the house and walking our dogs but I said I could have lived with a gay man and had the same relationship - by the way he isn't gay - we've talked that one over.

I love him, but I'm not in love with him and although I fancy him in that he is good looking, he does nothing for me sexually because I not he's not into it.

HELP!

[Unregistered]

This sounds like the story of my wife and myself, I am 35 she 30.
When we first started being intimate things were very hot but started cooling down before we got married nine months later, she gave me lots of excuses and said once we were living togeher thing would get better. She also said sex was not so important. Things got a little better but she was only in the mood about five times per month. The problem was that she never forgot or put any disagreement behind her. Another problem was that she did not heal from her previous relationships and this haunted her. We have recently seperated and I hope we can reconcile, even though she does not want to try anymore. I would suggest speaking to your husband about it to see if there is a medical reason or if there is something deeper affecting him, i believe that there is. Above all pray for guidance, I wish I had done that in the begining as the Lord would have revealed things to me three years ago.

[Unregistered]

Thanks - We've talked a little more this morning about this and basically he says he knows he needs to change, but I'm not convinced he can - it's just his way. The problem now is that as I've said before, I no longer find him sexually attractive and I don't know whether I can change - or indeed whether I want to.

[Unregistered]

Talking is very good it can only help. Are you two church- going peolple? Because if you are that would be the place to start. I knew I needed to change but did not know how to. I was changed while I was being prayed over at a prayer group meeting, that could be an option. The best thing is to keep the lines of communication open. Be careful not to fall into a relationship with anyone else right now as that will only confuse you and make things worse. The immediate pleasure will turn to guilt quickly and you will compound the problem, i have been there.

[Kate]

Sex today has become something of an activity or even a recreation and seems to have begun to lose it's original purpose which was the opportunity for two deeply committed people in marriage to celebrate their love and give each other pleasure.

Ed Wheat's book Love Life for Every Married Couple (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/lovelife/) is a really good book about what sex is all about at it's best. There are lots of other resources listed on this site here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/). There are lots of ways to be creative in your physical relationship. You can invest time and effort into tenderness and playfulness, romance and physical closeness all through the day. You can have physical closeness in son many ways without having to have wild passionate nights all the time. This can build up your sexual communication and trust that deepens your sex life, and if your husband is struggling to live up to your expectations then why not lower them for a while to reassure him that you love him and to rebuild his confidence. Try and focus on giving each other pleasure and feeling close rather than on ecstasy and climax

I'm sure the other guy you've met is very attractive and sexy, but the bottom line is that you made a commitment to your husband. I wonder if you've really explored all the possibilities to sort things out or are you being attracted by the grass being "greener on the other side".

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

Things are still pretty much the same and we've talked alot about separating and also about seeing a counsellor. I just don't know what to do. I love my husband but as a best friend - I've switched off from thinking of him in a sexual way. Initially this was so that he didn't feel pressured and I didn't go out of my mind with frustration - it was easier just to shut down. Now he's decided we should see a sex therapist and he says he wants to have sex but now I find it difficult to switch back on. When I say I can do without for a long time, I'm not talking a couple of weeks I'm literally talking months - the last time was 24 May! I'm not sex mad.

It's not a case of "the grass being greener" just more that "there is grass".

My short "friendship" with the other man has had to end and now I feel pretty lost. My self esteem is lower than it's ever been due partly to my home like and partly my job and now I feel I can't even manage to have an affair right!

[Kate]

You are special and you are lovable and attractive, but it's hard to believe that when life is not going well in any direction. Why not give the sex therapist a chance.

Of course it's going to be difficult. You've been hurt and probably don't want to risk being hurt again, but at least your husband is now listening to you and willing to try and do something about your difficulties. Whatever you decide in the long run, it's surely worth trying to see if you can sort things out together. Otherwise you'll just leave a whole bundle of unresolved issues to bother you in the future.