lorrabrett@hotmail.com
1st February 2001, 07:27 PM
I am 39 my husband 51. We married 3 years ago and never had sex since then. Why - i think- stress, grief, to name but a few.
Shortly before we married (about a year), I was told that I would never have children again. I have a teenage child from a previous relationship and lost a baby- 5yrs ago - which was fathered by my current husband - in 1995. The baby died shortly after birth due to what was proven to be medical negligence. Of course this took a tremendous toll on our relationship. He admitted to holding me responsible for not planning the pregnancy and putting him through this grief etc. He threatened to leave me soon afterwards and displayed, deep resentment towards me during the grief period.
What I did not realise that soon after our marriage, which was besetted with problems of both infertility and grief, was that my husband was having an affair.
I discovered this recently, and rather abruptly, by my husband, who mentioned that "a woman" was pregnant by him and that he wanted us to adopt the baby. I initially refused to speak about it and blamed myself for not being fertile and not making an effort to get him to have sex with me. He later confessed that he did not find me a turn on because of my infertility and found it a far better turn on if there was a chance of pregnancy during sex etc. I must admit though, that the thought did cross my mind as, even though I have always taken great pains to look physically atractive, by working out, etc, I seldom ever received a compliment or admiring glance from my husband.
He went on to say that the sole objection of this fling was to father a baby- which I understood.
I met with this woman and she said that she did not want to raise the baby and would consent for the adoption. It later emerged with a bit of investigation on my part and some luck, that this was not as straightforward. This was her third pregancy by my husband. The first two ending in miscarriages. My husband is insisting that she have access to the baby when ever it suites her and is planning to meet her family as her "boyfriend". In short he is not planning to give her up and is surporting her financially. He has agreed to pay her for this "surrogacy" and ideally would like a situation whereby he can get away on weekends with his "family" that would obviously exclude me and my teenager.
I have considered divorce, suicide, an affair, I have also tried to get my husband to seek marriage guidance etc, he is under the impression that one should not have to work on a marriage.
I am lost for words, the baby is due in July and I still dont know where I fit into this equation, as I am not prepared to have the baby with the bath water and a sexless marriage.
I admit that I am not without blame in that I should have taken steps years ago, and it may just too late for us.
Where do I go from here, can this marriage be saved.
Please help!
Shortly before we married (about a year), I was told that I would never have children again. I have a teenage child from a previous relationship and lost a baby- 5yrs ago - which was fathered by my current husband - in 1995. The baby died shortly after birth due to what was proven to be medical negligence. Of course this took a tremendous toll on our relationship. He admitted to holding me responsible for not planning the pregnancy and putting him through this grief etc. He threatened to leave me soon afterwards and displayed, deep resentment towards me during the grief period.
What I did not realise that soon after our marriage, which was besetted with problems of both infertility and grief, was that my husband was having an affair.
I discovered this recently, and rather abruptly, by my husband, who mentioned that "a woman" was pregnant by him and that he wanted us to adopt the baby. I initially refused to speak about it and blamed myself for not being fertile and not making an effort to get him to have sex with me. He later confessed that he did not find me a turn on because of my infertility and found it a far better turn on if there was a chance of pregnancy during sex etc. I must admit though, that the thought did cross my mind as, even though I have always taken great pains to look physically atractive, by working out, etc, I seldom ever received a compliment or admiring glance from my husband.
He went on to say that the sole objection of this fling was to father a baby- which I understood.
I met with this woman and she said that she did not want to raise the baby and would consent for the adoption. It later emerged with a bit of investigation on my part and some luck, that this was not as straightforward. This was her third pregancy by my husband. The first two ending in miscarriages. My husband is insisting that she have access to the baby when ever it suites her and is planning to meet her family as her "boyfriend". In short he is not planning to give her up and is surporting her financially. He has agreed to pay her for this "surrogacy" and ideally would like a situation whereby he can get away on weekends with his "family" that would obviously exclude me and my teenager.
I have considered divorce, suicide, an affair, I have also tried to get my husband to seek marriage guidance etc, he is under the impression that one should not have to work on a marriage.
I am lost for words, the baby is due in July and I still dont know where I fit into this equation, as I am not prepared to have the baby with the bath water and a sexless marriage.
I admit that I am not without blame in that I should have taken steps years ago, and it may just too late for us.
Where do I go from here, can this marriage be saved.
Please help!