Loves Me but has to leave for his own good

[Unregistered]

Last week after a small argument, my husband told me he had to finish our relationship, he could no longer handle it. He said he had been thinking about this for some time but didn’t want to hurt me.

We have been together for 4 years and have only just recently bought our dream home back in Australia and I have been looking forward to returning. It seems he doesn't feel the same and said he now regrets the decisions he has made in the last year (which have been getting married and buying a house).

He cannot explain his feelings or actions but can only say that being with me has meant losing who he is and to save himself he must let me go. This is the second time this has happen, it’s now one year to the day he walked out last time. The last time he took off I ran home to Australia and then came back to him after one month because he asked me to.

I deeply love him and cannot help but feel he also loves me. I am seriously thinking about seeking counselling but do not think he will agree. What to do when your heart is broken?

[Kate]

A broken heart can either bring out the best or the worst in us. I sense that you desperately want to make things work and that you love your man, but you’re deeply hurt by what amounts to him rejecting you and your love.

It seems that he may be struggling with commitment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthcommit/). There is a stage many folk go through when they marry, when it seems to them that they are losing their identity. It may mean that they didn't learn to be independent and able to stand alone before they married, so don't have the confidence to become inter-dependent in a relationship. Marriage isn't about submerging our identities but wanting the best for the other and being willing to encourage the other to grow, putting aside our own wants sometimes in favour of the other. It's about a hundred per cent giving to each other and being willing to receive a hundred per cent too. Is it possible to get him to talk to you or someone he trusts about how he sees himself and what it is he thinks he is losing by being married.

The Early Years of marriage can be quite difficult. We’ve got a whole area of the site looking at this (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthearly/). You might find some of the articles helpful.

It’s very hard when your man is wavering like this, but you can seek help yourself through counselling and stand by your commitment and try and be patient with him. Above all, remember that you are a unique and special person and not “defined” by the struggles that your man is going through!