Advice Welcome Please

[Mandie]

I married for the second time 10 years ago after falling madly in love with the man of my dreams. I truly thought we were right for each other, in fact we both adored each other. Life was fantastic for 6 years ( we worked hard at building his business up)and then things seemed to take a different path. He is a workaholic, works 60-70 hours a week, is always worn out, never wants to go anywhere, has no friends, comes home, eats, watches tv and goes to bed. He does not want to do anything else, whereas I believe there is so much more to life than work, I wanted us to travel and do things together but have now come to accept that this is it......I feel that my life is so empty now.....cant belive it has gone so wrong. I am going to Relate for counselling.....he refuses to come.....says he is doing all that he can and what more do I want........

I must now admit to myself that he is very boring and does not want to change his way of life. We are in our early 50s and I want to LIVE before I get too old.

I am seriously thinking of separating. I wanted this marriage to work and would never have belived it could go so wrong.

Any advice please. Thank you

[Kate]

Dear Mandie,

I wonder what it was that you each saw in each other. Why did life seem so good in the early days? was it having a common purpose? Has that gone or is it that you now see each other more clearly and are having to face up to the less attractive aspects of each others character and behaviour? It is quite normal for couples to go through a stage of disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/). The key at this point is to make the decision to love the person in spite of their faults. Did you really marry him for better for worse?

Are you able to get below the surface to understand what his work means to him. men often find so much of their self worth in their work. other are perfectionists or want to be seen as reliable, or successful or the "bread winner". These become the chief goals in their lives. If you are able to show him that you love him for who he is below all that, then you may find the key to the way forward. Perhaps you can affirm that you appreciate all his hard work for you but would love to relax with him occasionally. Our Personality Profiler (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/pp/personprofile1.html) can sometimes help couples to understand he different ways they view life and so understand each other.

Have you thought of kidnapping him onto a romantic weekend somewhere or a fun holiday. You might consider a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) away from all the ties of work and home. Some time away from work and home rediscovering the special person you each fell in love with might be worth a try.

[Unregistered]

Hi Mandie. I am in the almost exact same shoes as you, with one exception. We are in our mid-30's and have 2 children ages 14 and 10. We have been married 16 years and never even taken a family vacation. It is really sad because it makes my children think he is not interested. My husband is a farmer and puts in way over 60-70 hours per week. I don't know what to do. We have almost been separated twice but always seem to talk our way out of it. The most recent was about a month ago and our son was having major behavioral problems. We sat the kids down to tell them we wanted to separate for awhile, my son went ballistic. We are just the same, we agree to try again and things get better for a week or two and then it goes downhill again. My hubby is jealous of my friends. He runs everyone I get close to away. He doesn't like it when i want to spend time with them and not him. But you know, sometimes I just need time away and he doesn't understand that. We fight constantly and we also do it in front of the kids. I hate that. He also calls the kids names and curses at them too much. I think that is why my son is having problems. The name calling is horrible. I have talked to him about it and he tries but it never lasts long.

I am 35 years young. I love to have fun. I love to laugh and joke but there is none of that at home. I have to go to my girlfriends house to get any relief and then pay the price when I come home. I have so many dreams for my future and for my children but I don't see those dreams coming true with the life we are leading now. I am scared to death to leave. Not sure I can make it alone on my salary. I know my mom did it and she raised 2 wonderful girls. I just am at a loss. I don't feel like I can go to any of my family for help because I feel like they would take his side and I would there again have no support. I also feel like my life is empty. We are trying the counseling but he doesn't like it and I am not sure how long that will last either. He doesn't like airing his problems to someone he doesn't know. But hell, he won't talk to me either. He is the type that bottles it all up and won't talk.
I work 8 hours a day, travel 60 miles at least round trip to work, do all the running around and juggle kids everywhere they need to be and go home at nite and never stop.

I could go on and on and on but it is the same old story, just different days? Where do I go from here?

suntansuzie