Wants Nothing To Do With Me

[Unregistered]

MY WIFE AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 6YRS. WE HAVE HAD OUR GOOD AND BAD TIMES. SHE NO LONGER WANTS TO BE MARRIED TO ME. I HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM AND THAT IS THE MAIN REASON. I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO BEAT IT BUT SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME AND IS NOT WILLING TO GIVE ME ANOTHER SHOT. SHE SAID SHE IS TIRED OF ALL THE LIES. SHE SAID I HAVE SAID THAT BEFORE. SHE WANTS TO BE SINGLE AGAIN. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE IS NOT WILLING TO GIVE ME ANOTHER SHOT. WHAT MAKES IT SO BAD IS WE HAVE THREE KIDS (3,2,7MON). SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH HER FRIENDS AND SEE IF SHE MISSES ME. I LOVE HER SO MUCH THAT I AM WILLING TO LET HER DO THAT. I AM SCARED THAT SHE IS GOING TO MEET SOME GUY WHO IS GOING TO TAKE HER FROM ME. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY WIFE. I LOVE HER MORE THAN ITSELF.

IS THERE SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT CAN GIVE ME SOME ADVICE

JOHN
FRESNO,CA

[Kate]

The strength of your emotion especially anger has been heard! Good for you to have tackled the gambling addiction, but what is going to be even harder than beating that is facing up to the hurt you have caused your wife. You can't just wipe that out.

Have you asked her to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) you for the hurt you have caued her and all the lies. There is a risk when we ask for forgiveness rather than say sorry, because we allow the other person the choice of saying yes or no.

Beyond that step lies rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/) after all the lies you have told. I've put in a couple of links to help you think these things through.

One of these days you might like to write her a letter and tell her just how much you love her and how special she is.

Your fear of losing her comes over as very real. No-one can take that fear away. Courage is not the absence of fear but facing ones fear - a platitude -I don't know - it helps me to accept that it's ok to feel afraid sometimes.

Keep in touch

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

KATE
THANK YOU FOR THE REPLY I AM TRING TO COPE WITH THE SITUATION. I HAVE ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS BUT I HAVEN'T GOTTEN AN ANSWER. I KNOW I HAVE PROBABLY SCARED HER FOR LIFE BUT I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO MEND THEM. I HAVE WRITTEN HER LETTERS BEFORE BUT SHE THINKS I ONLY WANT SEX. I MISS THE CUDDLING AND LOVING WE HAD TOGETHER. DON'T GET ME WRONG THE SEX WAS AWESOME BUT IT IS MORE THAN THAT. THE LOOKS, THE TOUCHING, THE KISSING, THE THINGS WE NEED IN LIFE. I AM SCARED AND FEELING REALLY ALONE RIGHT NOW. AGAIN THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE

JOHN

[Kate]

Hello again, John

Hope you've had a chance to look at the links I put into the posting last time. I don't think it's surprising your wife hasn't said yet whether she can forgive you - it's best if she takes time to think about it and make a decision that she can stand by. She will want to see whether the changes in you are going to last and whether there is hope that she won't end up being badly hurt again.

It will take time to reassure her and convince her that you want what is best for her.

The loneliness that comes from someone you love turning away from you is very painful. When we marry we try to share our very selves with each other and so the pain of even potential rejection is very deep. How do you think she is feeling right now? Alone, afraid, hurt, scared. I'm sure inside you long to reach into the pain she's in and sooth it, but you have to be sensitive, slow and gentle. I'm sure that you have that sort of love within you, a love that's not concerned with soothing it's own pain, but is willing to hurt a while if only it can love and care for the one who is dearest to it.

All the best

Kate