what to do

[unsure]

I am 33 and married for 10years but together for 15. When we got together, I know for sure I was very naive. I have had to grow up on my own, my mum had other interests and there was no other older woman I could ask for advice. So when I met my husband I thought I was being cool by having a boyfriend who was 6 years older. To cut a long story short, he abused me physically and mentally but I could not let go. We got married and we have two children now. There is no more abuse for whatever reason but the scars are deep and I feel after all I have been through I don't love my husband anymore, if i ever did.
His best friend approached me with words and actions that made my heart miss so many beats, I had an affair with him for seven months. He wanted me to leave my husband which I was prepared to do but I would lose custody of my kids, I live in an african country. That I could not do. He pressurized me so much, I told my husband. I don't know what I was expecting from this action. But my affair is over.
My husband has realized he has treated me badly, that he loved me and he did not want us to separate. For the kids' sake, I wanted us to work things out but I don't love him so motivation is very low. I have strong feelings for the other guy who was nothing but wonderful to me except the pressure bit.
My husband's manhood has been hurt, he says, best friend + wife, so to make him feel better we have sex at least once at most 4 times a day which makes me feel cheap but makes him feel good for at least 1 hour. This is not the solution to the problem, I am confused about what the problem is exactly now. Maybe someone can understand what I am trying to say and can help me to see things clearly. Thanks

[Kate]

Neither guy seems to be treating you too well. I'd be a bit wary of someone putting you under pressure however attractive they seem otherwise.

There was another posting the other day, where the wife's reaction to her husband after his affair was to want to make love lots. It seemed to be for her a way of seeking reassurance, but it didn't solve anything or last like that. After all sex is designed for the expression of your love for each other, not a way to make one or other of you feel good especially at the others expense.

You and your husband need to talk. If you want to make the marriage work, then find a way to make it work, not simply for the children, but also for you both. Love is not just warm fuzzy feelings, it's commitment and faithfulness and it involves deciding to act lovingly even when you don't feel loving, but it also needs mutual respect. It sounds as if there have been hurts and misunderstandings accumulating from early days and it would be a good idea to get some counselling, both individiually and together, to work through it.

Check out the abuse section (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/) on the site, it may help you to understand some of the hurt from the past. There's also a good "first aid" section (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/). The counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) one covers the UK. If your not in the UK, I'm afraid you'll have to investigate where counselling is available in your own country.

It's tempting to want to leave the problems behind and make a fresh start especially when life is so painful, but it doesn't always work out for the best. I hope you can find a way forward with your husband, a way to sort the problems out and heal the hurt.