?

[HURTHUBBY]

Hello. My wife and I are in the process of getting a divorce. She has said that she doesn't want "divorce", she wants us to have everything a husband and wife have but we will live in different rooms with no intimacy. She has said she is gay or at least bi-sexual after I found out she had an affair with her best friend. The first 7 years of our marriage was great. After our daughter was born three years ago everything between us went down hill. She stayed out drinking all night and cheating on me. She has been drinking and driving with our daughter several times which pushed me to file for divorce with full custody. This was the hardest thing in the world to do as I am still so much in love with her. The last couple of weeks we have been getting along great- it feels like old times. My friends say this is either manipulation to drop the full custody or she is happy because she is getting what she wanted- friendship only. She does not understand what she has done. It is my fault she drinks and cheats and I am evil for filinf for full custody. These things were said prior to the past couple of weeks. She has told me to schedule a marriage counselor so the counselor can tell me I'm screwed up. She has also asked me to do counseling with a mutual friend who is supportive of me wanting my wife back. Is it too late for us? What will it take for the woman who loved me to come back?

[HURTHUBBY]

We went to a marriage counselor yesterday. The counselor asked why we were there. I was there to work on my marriage. My wife said she was there to try and understand me and said she does not want her marriage back and said she plans on following through with our divorce in September. We are scheduled for another session September 4 but the counselor is not calling it marriage counseling and even said that since My wife is uninterested in our relationship and I still want to be married, that we should spend no social time together. We have been doing everything together the last two weeks and have rekindled a friendship that feels like the one that helped us fall in love ten years ago. Can it be true that we should not hang out even though we are having a blast?

[Kate]

Counselling does not always heal a marriage, but often seems to be about helping individuals to decide what they want to do, so your counsellor is not necessarily going to be in the business of changing your wife's mind.

The fact that you have been getting on great together, may mean that your wife now feels cared for and accepted by you. It doesn't necessarily mean she has changed her mind about who she wants to live with. She may have ulterior motives about custody, but she may not.

Can I suggest that you look at the article (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffpressures/helpgay/) on support for those discovering a member of their family are gay and the work of True freedom Trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffpressures/tft/) to help you understand what your wife is going through and how it may be affecting you. There is a book advertised on their site called Out of the Blue, I think, which I have recently read and found very helpful. The folk in TFT will also respond to you if you email them and put you in touch with people more locally to support you.

Best wishes

Kate


PS - seen your posting on the other forum too