love possible after affair?

[confused]

My husband had an affair that lasted four months about two and a half years ago. When I first found out (the other woman phoned me to tell me) he told me it had already been over for a year. He said it was the worst mistake of his life and all he wanted was to fix things between us. At the beginning we worked very hard on our marriage and I think it was very good. Now things seem to be settling into the old routine and I am unhappy. I don't think he is about to cheat again, but I do think he is starting to take our marriage for granted. I also don't feel any love for him any more and I have no desire to have sex wiht him. After I first found out, I wanted sex all the time. It seemed like I was desperate for it. Maybe I thought it would prove we still love each other. Nothing has really changed since then, but I just have no desire for him at all. It would be fine with me if we never had sex again. I know this is a bad thing, if he doesn't get sex at home I am only pushing him to cheat again. He does not put any pressure on me. Historically in our relationship, I have always wanted it more than him. This is one reason I was so shocked at the affair. Now I think maybe he just doesn't like sex with me even though he says that is not true. He also says that although the affair lasted four months, he only had sex wiht her a few times. He says he was flattered by the way she always told him how wonderful he was and at the time we were stuggling with his son from his first marriage who was in a lot of trouble with the law and had come to live with us to shape up. He said there was always stress at home because we were so worried about this boy that he liked to be with this woman where he could escape the pressure. I don't know if I will ever feel like I love him agian, but I don't want to leave him. We have three kids.

[Kate]

Have you had a look at the articles in the Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) section of the site? You say that in the begining you worked hard on your marriage after the affair, but you seem to have let that lapse. All marriages flourish when they are worked on and marriage enrichment weekends (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html) can help with this - they give you space away from the pressures of life and encourage honesty, trust and communication.

Problems in your sexual life can reflect things in other parts of your relationship. If you are disillusioned with each other, then making love won't come naturally as it is, at its best, an expression of your love for each other. Try taking the time to relax together, have some fun, introduce a bit of romance into your lives, show your appreciation of each other, even in the little things of life and you may find things beginning to improve.

Why not check out some of the articles in the Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) section especially the ones on communication, forgiveness, love and feelings. Love is more than a feeling and when we stop measuring our relationship simply by our feelings we can often see the way forward.

You were obviously shaken up by the affair and you need to come to terms with what happened and forgive him and get your trust and confidence back. Don't give up, but get back to building up the basics of your relationship.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Hi Confused... hopefully I won't confuse you more, and I'm sure there are other people out there who will probably contradict me on some of the points I'm about to make. I'll make them anyway...

I am male, I had a friendship with someone at work. I wouldn't call it a physical affair because we never even kissed, but I know it was an affair of the heart, which I think is harder to deal with. She knew I was married with two children. Our friendship got really close and we just wanted to stay with each other. Anyway. That's the background. My wife found out that I was seeing another woman and didn't approve (as if any wife would). We went on holiday with the kids (preplanned) and after the holiday I moved out of the house for a couple of weeks to get myself sorted out. The main reason I came back was for the children, I accepted that I would remain married and I still love my wife. Since then (18 months ago) we went through the same thing you went through. Loads of sex, weekends away without the kiddies, more family activities etc. everything that a young married family should be doing.

There is one thing missing though, and this is something I'll never get back. <b>HER TRUST</b>. Ask yourself if you truly trust your husband without a doubt in your mind. I know my wife certainly doesn't. I trust her to the ends of the earth, but it isn't returned. An innocent drink with the workmates after work results in a barrage of phone calls and 1000 questions when I get home. This is what I have to live with. (Tough sh*t) I hear people say, I brought it upon myself. True, but people change all the time.

The other thing missing from my marriage is emotion. I come home, kiss her, play with the kids, stike up conversations etc. all the things I am expected to do (and want to do), but there is very little in return. Yes it would be nice if she sat and listened to me and my concerns. Kissed me when I didn't expect it. Do all the things we used to do when we were first married. I still want to cuddle up in front of the fire, but I don't believe that I should be the one that makes the first move every time. Why should I. yes, I did wrong, I have accepted the consequences, but I want to have the love coming back. She says she loves me, but only after I tell her I love her. She says she doesn't want to be hurt again, but she is taking and not giving all the time.

I believe men like to be loved, they like to feel wanted. Is he taking your marriage for granted, or are you? What do you expect from him, what are you willing to give him <b>unconditionally</b>. You said your husband was flattered by the other womans attention. Any man would. If he doesn't get the attention he seeks at home (and I'm not talking sex), he will go outside the home.

I am flattered when a woman talks to me now. A couple of occasions I have enjoyed the company of another woman just to talk, I like people taking an interest in me as a person. Do I tell my wife. No. She'll just jump to conclusions and think I'm after a affair. Nothing is further from the truth. I just want to be treated as an equal.

I hope you come up with a solution. You only have one crack at this life, and time is the most precious thing on earth.

Most importantly...Keep smiling, if not you'll go NUTS! http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/smile.gif